But what have I done with my life？thought Mrs。Ramsay，taking her place at the head of the table，and looking at all the plates making white circles on it。“William，sit by me，”she said。“Lily，”she said，wearily，“over there。”They had that-Paul Rayley and Minta Doyle-she，only this-an infinitely long table and plates and knives。At the far end was her husband，sitting down，all in a heap，frowning。What at？She did not know。She did not mind。She could not understand how she had ever felt any emotion or affection for him。She had a sense of being past everything，through everything，out of everything，as she helped the soup，as if there was an eddy-there-and one could be in it，or one could be out of it，and she was out of it。It's all come to an end，she thought，while they came in one after another，Charles Tansley-“Sit there，please，”she said-Augustus Carmichael-and sat down。And meanwhile she waited，passively，for some one to answer her，for something to happen。But this is not a thing，she thought，ladling out soup，that one says。
Raising her eyebrows at the discrepancy-that was what she was thinking，this was what she was doing-ladling out soup-she felt，more and more strongly，outside that eddy；or as if a shade had fallen，and，robbed of colour，she saw things truly。The room（she looked round it）was very shabby。There was no beauty anywhere。She forebore to look at Mr。Tansley。Nothing seemed to have merged。They all sat separate。And the whole of the effort of merging and flowing and creating rested on her。Again she felt，as a fact without hostility，the sterility of men，for if she did not do it nobody would do it，and so，giving herself a little shake that one gives a watch that has stopped，the old familiar pulse began beating，as the watch begins ticking-one，two，three，one，two，three。And so on and so on，she repeated，listening to it，sheltering and fostering the still feeble pulse as one might guard a weak flame with a newspaper。And so then，she concluded，addressing herself by bending silently in his direction to William Bankes-poor man！who had no wife，and no children and dined alone in lodgings except for tonight；and in pity for him，life being now strong enough to bear her on again，she began all this business，as a sailor not without weariness sees the wind fill his sail and yet hardly wants to be off again and thinks how，had the ship sunk，he would have whirled round and round and found rest on the floor of the sea。
“Did you find your letters？I told them to put them in the hall for you，”she said to William Bankes。
Lily Briscoe watched her drifting into that strange no-man's land where to follow people is impossible and yet their going inflicts such a chill on those who watch them that they always try at least to follow them with their eyes as one follows a fading ship until the sails have sunk beneath the horizon。
How old she looks，how worn she looks，Lily thought，and how remote。Then when she turned to William Bankes，smiling，it was as if the ship had turned and the sun had struck its sails again，and Lily thought with some amusement because she was relieved，Why does she pity him？For that was the impression she gave，when she told him that his letters were in the hall。Poor William Bankes，she seemed to be saying，as if her own weariness had been partly pitying people，and the life in her，her resolve to live again，had been stirred by pity。And it was not true，Lily thought；it was one of those misjudgments of hers that seemed to be instinctive and to arise from some need of her own rather than of other people's。He is not in the least pitiable。He has his work，Lily said to herself。She remembered，all of a sudden as if she had found a treasure，that she had her work。In a flash she saw her picture，and thought，Yes，I shall put the tree further in the middle；then I shall avoid that awkward space。That's what I shall do。That's what has been puzzling me。She took up the salt cellar and put it down again on a flower pattern in the table-cloth，so as to remind herself to move the tree。
“It's odd that one scarcely gets anything worth having by post，yet one always wants one's letters，”said Mr。Bankes。
What damned rot they talk，thought Charles Tansley，laying down his spoon precisely in the middle of his plate，which he had swept clean，as if，Lily thought（he sat opposite to her with his back to the window precisely in the middle of view），he were determined to make sure of his meals。Everything about him had that meagre fixity，that bare unloveliness。But nevertheless，the fact remained，it was impossible to dislike any one if one looked at them。She liked his eyes；they were blue，deep set，frightening。
“Do you write many letters，Mr。Tansley？”asked Mrs。Ramsay，pitying him too，Lily supposed；for that was true of Mrs。Ramsay-she pitied men always as if they lacked something-women never，as if they had something。He wrote to his mother；otherwise he did not suppose he wrote one letter a month，said Mr。Tansley，shortly。
For he was not going to talk the sort of rot these condescended to by these silly women。He had been reading in his room，and now he came down and it all seemed to him silly，superficial，flimsy。Why did they dress？He had come down in his ordinary clothes。He had not got any dress clothes。“One never gets anything worth having by post”-that was the sort of thing they were always saying。They made men say that sort of thing。Yes，it was pretty well true，he thought。They never got anything worth having from one year's end to another。They did nothing but talk，talk，talk，eat，eat，eat。It was the women's fault。Women made civilisation impossible with all their“charm，”all their silliness。
“No going to the Lighthouse tomorrow，Mrs。Ramsay，”he said，asserting himself。He liked her；he admired her；he still thought of the man in the drain-pipe looking up at her；but he felt it necessary to assert himself。
He was really，Lily Briscoe thought，in spite of his eyes，but then look at his nose，look at his hands，the most uncharming human being she had ever met。Then why did she mind what he said？Women can't write，women can't paint-what did that matter coming from him，since clearly it was not true to him but for some reason helpful to him，and that was why he said it？Why did her whole being bow，like corn under a wind，and erect itself again from this abasement only with a great and rather painful effort？She must make it once more。There's the sprig on the table-cloth；there's my painting；I must move the tree to the middle；that matters-nothing else。Could she not hold fast to that，she asked herself，and not lose her temper，and not argue；and if she wanted revenge take it by laughing at him？
“Oh，Mr。Tansley，”she said，“do take me to the Lighthouse with you。I should so love it。”
She was telling lies he could see。She was saying what she did not mean to annoy him，for some reason。She was laughing at him。He was in his old flannel trousers。He had no others。He felt very rough and isolated and lonely。He knew that she was trying to tease him for some reason；she didn't want to go to the Lighthouse with him；she despised him：so did Prue Ramsay；so did they all。But he was not going to be made a fool of by women，so he turned deliberately in his chair and looked out of the window and said，all in a jerk，very rudely，it would be too rough for her tomorrow。She would be sick。
It annoyed him that she should have made him speak like that，with Mrs。Ramsay listening。If only he could be alone in his room working，he thought，among his books。That was where he felt at his ease。And he had never run a penny into debt；he had never cost his father a penny since he was fifteen；he had helped them at home out of his savings；he was educating his sister。Still，he wished he had known how to answer Miss Briscoe properly；he wished it had not come out all in a jerk like that。“You'd be sick。”He wished he could think of something to say to Mrs。Ramsay，something which would show her that he was not just a dry prig。That was what they all thought him。He turned to her。But Mrs。Ramsay was talking about people he had never heard of to William Bankes。
“Yes，take it away，”she said briefly，interrupting what she was saying to William Bankes to speak to the maid。“It must have been fifteen-no，twenty years ago-that I last saw her，”she was saying，turning back to him again as if she could not lose a moment of their talk，for she was absorbed by what they were saying。So he had actually heard from her this evening！And was Carrie still living at Marlow，and was everything still the same？Oh，she could remember it as if it were yesterday-on the river，feeling it as if it were yesterday-going on the river，feeling very cold。But if the Mannings made a plan they stuck to it。Never should she forget Herbert killing a wasp with a teaspoon on the bank！And it was still going on，Mrs。Ramsay mused，gliding like a ghost among the chairs and tables of that drawing-room on the banks of the Thames where she had been so very，very cold twenty years ago；but now she went among them like a ghost；and it fascinated her，as if，while she had changed，that particular day，now become very still and beautiful，had remained there，all these years。Had Carrie written to him herself？she asked。
“Yes。She says they're building a new billiard room，”he said。No！No！That was out of the question！Building a new billiard room！It seemed to her impossible。
Mr。Bankes could not see that there was anything very odd about it。They were very well off now。Should he give her love to Carrie？
“Oh，”said Mrs。Ramsay with a little start，“No，”she added，reflecting that she did not know this Carrie who built a new billiard room。But how strange，she repeated，to Mr。Bankes's amusement，that they should be going on there still。For it was extraordinary to think that they had been capable of going on living all these years when she had not thought of them more than once all that time。How eventful her own life had been，during those same years。Yet perhaps Carrie had not thought about her，either。The thought was strange and distasteful。
“People soon drift apart，”said Mr。Bankes，feeling，however，some satisfaction when he thought that after all he knew both the Mannings and the Ramsays。He had not drifted apart he thought，laying down his spoon and wiping his clean-shaven lips punctiliously。But perhaps he was rather unusual，he thought，in this；he never let himself get into a groove。He had friends in all circles……Mrs。Ramsay had to break off here to tell the maid something about keeping food hot。That was why he preferred dining alone。All those interruptions annoyed him。Well，thought William Bankes，preserving a demeanour of exquisite courtesy and merely spreading the fingers of his left hand on the table-cloth as a mechanic examines a tool beautifully polished and ready for use in an interval of leisure，such are the sacrifices one's friends ask of one。It would have hurt her if he had refused to come。But it was not worth it for him。Looking at his hand he thought that if he had been alone dinner would have been almost over now；he would have been free to work。Yes，he thought，it is a terrible waste of time。The children were dropping in still。“I wish one of you would run up to Roger's room，”Mrs。Ramsay was saying。How trifling it all is，how boring it all is，he thought，compared with the other thing-work。Here he sat drumming his fingers on the table-cloth when he might have been-he took a flashing bird's-eye view of his work。
What a waste of time it all was to be sure！Yet，he thought，she is one of my oldest friends。I am by way of being devoted to her。Yet now，at this moment her presence meant absolutely nothing to him：her beauty meant nothing to him；her sitting with her little boy at the window-nothing，nothing。He wished only to be alone and to take up that book。He felt uncomfortable；he felt treacherous，that he could sit by her side and feel nothing for her。The truth was that he did not enjoy family life。It was in this sort of state that one asked oneself，What does one live for？Why，one asked oneself，does one take all these pains for the human race to go on？Is it so very desirable？Are we attractive as a species？Not so very，he thought，looking at those he supposed。Foolish questions，vain questions，questions one never asked if one was occupied。Is human life this？Is human life that？One never had time to think about it。But here he was asking himself that sort of question，because Mrs。Ramsay was giving orders to servants，and also because it had struck him，thinking how surprised Mrs。Ramsay was that Carrie Manning should still exist，that friendships，even the best of them，are frail things。One drifts apart。He reproached himself again。He was sitting beside Mrs。Ramsay and he had nothing in the world to say to her。
“I'm so sorry，”said Mrs。Ramsay，turning to him at last。He felt rigid and barren，like a pair of boots that have been soaked and gone dry so that you can hardly force your feet into them。Yet he must force his feet into them。He must make himself talk。Unless he were very careful，she would find out this treachery of his；that he did not care a straw for her，and that would not be at all pleasant，he thought。So he bent his head courteously in her direction。
“How you must detest dining in this bear garden，”she said，making use，as she did when she was distracted，of her social manner。So，when there is a strife of tongues，at some meeting，the chairman，to obtain unity，suggests that every one shall speak in French。Perhaps it is bad French；French may not contain the words that express the speaker's thoughts；nevertheless speaking French imposes some order，some uniformity。Replying to her in the same language，Mr。Bankes said，“No，not at all，”and Mr。Tansley，who had no knowledge of this language，even spoke thus in words of one syllable，at once suspected its insincerity。They did talk nonsense，he thought，the Ramsays；and he pounced on this fresh instance with joy，making a note which，one of these days，he would read aloud，to one or two friends。There，in a society where one could say what one liked he would sarcastically describe“staying with the Ramsays”and what nonsense they talked。It was worth while doing it once，he would say；but not again。The women bored one so，he would say。
Of course Ramsay had dished himself by marrying a beautiful woman and having eight children。It would shape itself something like that，but now，at this moment，sitting stuck there with an empty seat beside him，nothing had shaped itself at all。It was all in scraps and fragments。He felt extremely，even physically，uncomfortable。He wanted somebody to give him a chance of asserting himself。He wanted it so urgently that he fidgeted in his chair，looked at this person，then at that person，tried to break into their talk，opened his mouth and shut it again。They were talking about the fishing industry。Why did no one ask him his opinion？What did they know about the fishing industry？
Lily Briscoe knew all that。Sitting opposite him，could she not see，as in an X-ray photograph，the ribs and thigh bones of the young man's desire to impress himself，lying dark in the mist of his flesh-that thin mist which convention had laid over his burning desire to break into the conversation？But，she thought，screwing up her Chinese eyes，and remembering how he sneered at women，“can't paint，can't write，”why should I help him to relieve himself？
There is a code of behaviour，she knew，whose seventh article（it may be）says that on occasions of this sort it behoves the woman，whatever her own occupation might be，to go to the help of the young man opposite so that he may expose and relieve the thigh bones，the ribs，of his vanity，of his urgent desire to assert himself；as indeed it is their duty，she reflected，in her old maidenly fairness，to help us，suppose the Tube were to burst into flames。Then，she thought，I should certainly expect Mr。Tansley to get me out。But how would it be，she thought，if neither of us did either of these things？So she sat there smiling。
“You're not planning to go to the Lighthouse，are you，Lily，”said Mrs。Ramsay。“Remember poor Mr。Langley；he had been round the world dozens of times，but he told me he never suffered as he did when my husband took him there。Are you a good sailor，Mr。Tansley？”she asked。
Mr。Tansley raised a hammer：swung it high in air；but realising，as it descended，that he could not smite that butterfly with such an instrument as this，said only that he had never been sick in his life。But in that one sentence lay compact，like gunpowder，that his grandfather was a fisherman；his father a chemist；that he had worked his way up entirely himself；that he was proud of it；that he was Charles Tansley-a fact that nobody there seemed to realise；but one of these days every single person would know it。He scowled ahead of him。He could almost pity these mild cultivated people，who would be blown sky high，like bales of wool and barrels of apples，one of these days by the gunpowder that was in him。
“Will you take me，Mr。Tansley？”said Lily，quickly，kindly，for，of course，if Mrs。Ramsay said to her，as in effect she did，“I am drowning，my dear，in seas of fire。Unless you apply some balm to the anguish of this hour and say something nice to that young man there，life will run upon the rocks-indeed I hear the grating and the growling at this minute。My nerves are taut as fiddle strings。Another touch and they will snap”-when Mrs。Ramsay said all this，as the glance in her eyes said it，of course for the hundred and fiftieth time Lily Briscoe had to renounce the experiment-what happens if one is not nice to that young man there-and be nice。
Judging the turn in her mood correctly-that she was friendly to him now-he was relieved of his egotism，and told her how he had been thrown out of a boat when he was a baby；how his father used to fish him out with a boat-hook；that was how he had learnt to swim。One of his uncles kept the light on some rock or other off the Scottish coast，he said。He had been there with him in a storm。This was said loudly in a pause。They had to listen to him when he said that he had been with his uncle in a lighthouse in a storm。Ah，thought Lily Briscoe，as the conversation took this auspicious turn，and she felt Mrs。Ramsay's gratitude（for Mrs。Ramsay was free now to talk for a moment herself），ah，she thought，but what haven't I paid to get it for you？She had not been sincere。
She had done the usual trick-been nice。She would never know him。He would never know her。Human relations were all like that，she thought，and the worst（if it had not been for Mr。Bankes）were between men and women。Inevitably these were extremely insincere she thought。Then her eye caught the salt cellar，which she had placed there to remind her，and she remembered that next morning she would move the tree further towards the middle，and her spirits rose so high at the thought of painting tomorrow that she laughed out loud at what Mr。Tansley was saying。Let him talk all night if he liked it。
“But how long do they leave men on a Lighthouse？”she asked。He told her。He was amazingly well informed。And as he was grateful，and as he liked her，and as he was beginning to enjoy himself，so now，Mrs。Ramsay thought，she could return to that dream land，that unreal but fascinating place，the Mannings'drawing-room at Marlow twenty years ago；where one moved about without haste or anxiety，for there was no future to worry about。She knew what had happened to them，what to her。It was like reading a good book again，for she knew the end of that story，since it had happened twenty years ago，and life，which shot down even from this dining-room table in cascades，heaven knows where，was sealed up there，and lay，like a lake，placidly between its banks。He said they had built a billiard room-was it possible？Would William go on talking about the Mannings？She wanted him to。But，no-for some reason he was no longer in the mood。She tried。He did not respond。She could not force him。She was disappointed。
“The children are disgraceful，”she said，sighing。He said something about punctuality being one of the minor virtues which we do not acquire until later in life。
“If at all，”said Mrs。Ramsay merely to fill up space，thinking what an old maid William was becoming。Conscious of his treachery，conscious of her wish to talk about something more intimate，yet out of mood for it at present，he felt come over him the disagreeableness of life，sitting there，waiting。Perhaps the others were saying something interesting？What were they saying？
That the fishing season was bad；that the men were emigrating。They were talking about wages and unemployment。The young man was abusing the government。William Bankes，thinking what a relief it was to catch on to something of this sort when private life was disagreeable，heard him say something about“one of the most scandalous acts of the present government。”Lily was listening；Mrs。Ramsay was listening；they were all listening。But already bored，Lily felt that something was lacking；Mr。Bankes felt that something was lacking。Pulling her shawl round her Mrs。Ramsay felt that something was lacking。All of them bending themselves to listen thought，“Pray heaven that the inside of my mind may not be exposed，”for each thought，“The others are feeling this。They are outraged and indignant with the government about the fishermen。Whereas，I feel nothing at all。”
But perhaps，thought Mr。Bankes，as he looked at Mr。Tansley，here is the man。One was always waiting for the man。There was always a chance。At any moment the leader might arise；the man of genius，in politics as in anything else。Probably he will be extremely disagreeable to us old fogies，thought Mr。Bankes，doing his best to make allowances，for he knew by some curious physical sensation，as of nerves erect in his spine，that he was jealous，for himself partly，partly more probably for his work，for his point of view，for his science；and therefore he was not entirely open-minded or altogether fair，for Mr。Tansley seemed to be saying，You have wasted your lives。You are all of you wrong。Poor old fogies，you're hopelessly behind the times。He seemed to be rather cocksure，this young man；and his manners were bad。But Mr。Bankes bade himself observe，he had courage；he had ability；he was extremely well up in the facts。Probably，Mr。Bankes thought，as Tansley abused the government，there is a good deal in what he says。
“Tell me now……”he said。So they argued about politics，and Lily looked at the leaf on the table-cloth；and Mrs。Ramsay，leaving the argument entirely in the hands of the two men，wondered why she was so bored by this talk，and wished，looking at her husband at the other end of the table，that he would say something。One word，she said to herself。For if he said a thing，it would make all the difference。He went to the heart of things。He cared about fishermen and their wages。He could not sleep for thinking of them。It was altogether different when he spoke；one did not feel then，pray heaven Then，realising that it was because she admired him so much that she was waiting for him to speak，she felt as if somebody had been praising her husband to her and their marriage，and she glowed all over without realising that it was she herself who had praised him。
She looked at him thinking to find this in his face；he would be looking magnificent……But not in the least！He was screwing his face up，he was scowling and frowning，and flushing with anger。What on earth was it about？she wondered。What could be the matter？Only that poor old Augustus had asked for another plate of soup-that was all。It was unthinkable，it was detestable（so he signalled to her across the table）that Augustus should be beginning his soup over again。He loathed people eating when he had finished。She saw his anger fly like a pack of hounds into his eyes，his brow，and she knew that in a moment something violent would explode，and then-thank goodness！she saw him clutch himself and clap a brake on the wheel，and the whole of his body seemed to emit sparks but not words。He sat there scowling。He had said nothing，he would have her observe。Let her give him the credit for that！But why after all should poor Augustus not ask for another plate of soup？He had merely touched Ellen's arm and said：
“Ellen，please，another plate of soup，”and then Mr。Ramsay scowled like that。
And why not？Mrs。Ramsay demanded。Surely they could let Augustus have his soup if he wanted it。He hated people wallowing in food，Mr。Ramsay frowned at her。He hated everything dragging on for hours like this。But he had controlled himself，Mr。Ramsay would have her observe，disgusting though the sight was。But why show it so plainly，Mrs。Ramsay demanded（they looked at each other down the long table sending these questions and answers across，each knowing exactly what the other felt）。Everybody could see，Mrs。Ramsay thought。There was Rose gazing at her father，there was Roger gazing at his father；both would be off in spasms of laughter in another second，she knew，and so she said promptly（indeed it was time）：
“Light the candles，”and they jumped up instantly and went and fumbled at the sideboard。
Why could he never conceal his feelings？Mrs。Ramsay wondered，and she wondered if Augustus Carmichael had noticed。Perhaps he had；perhaps he had not。She could not help respecting the composure with which he sat there，drinking his soup。If he wanted soup，he asked for soup。Whether people laughed at him or were angry with him he was the same。He did not like her，she knew that；but partly for that very reason she respected him，and looking at him，drinking soup，very large and calm in the failing light，and monumental，and contemplative，she wondered what he did feel then，and why he was always content and dignified；and she thought how devoted he was to Andrew，and would call him into his room，and Andrew said，“show him things。”And there he would lie all day long on the lawn brooding presumably over his poetry，till he reminded one of a cat watching birds，and then he clapped his paws together when he had found the word，and her husband said，“Poor old Augustus-he's a true poet，”which was high praise from her husband。
Now eight candles were stood down the table，and after the first stoop the flames stood upright and drew with them into visibility the long table entire，and in the middle a yellow and purple dish of fruit。What had she done with it，Mrs。Ramsay wondered，for Rose's arrangement of the grapes and pears，of the horny pink-lined shell，of the bananas，made her think of a trophy fetched from the bottom of the sea，of Neptune's banquet，of the bunch that hangs with vine leaves over the shoulder of Bacchus（in some picture），among the leopard skins and the torches lolloping red and gold……Thus brought up suddenly into the light it seemed possessed of great size and depth，was like a world in which one could take one's staff and climb hills，she thought，and go down into valleys，and to her pleasure（for it brought them into sympathy momentarily）she saw that Augustus too feasted his eyes on the same plate of fruit，plunged in，broke off a bloom there，a tassel here，and returned，after feasting，to his hive。That was his way of looking，different from hers。But looking together united them。
