Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine.I suggested to him that if he could induce the citizens of Philadelphy to believe it would be a good idea to have white winder-shutters on their houses and white door-stones, he might make a fortin."It's a novelty," I added, "and may startle 'em at fust, but they may conclood to adopt it.
As several of our public men are constantly being surprised with serenades, I concluded I'd be surprised in the same way, so I made arrangements accordin.I asked the Brass Band how much they'd take to take me entirely by surprise with a serenade.They said they'd overwhelm me with a unexpected honor for seven dollars, which Iexcepted.
I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand bein very careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin particuler attention to the punktooation.It was, if I may say it without egitism, a manly effort; but, alars! I never delivered it, as the sekel will show you.I paced up and down the kitchin speakin my piece over so as to be entirely perfeck.My bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by singin, "Why do summer roses fade?""Because," said I, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen times, "because it's their biz! Let 'em fade!""Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and letting my eagle eye wander from the manuscrip--"Betsy, on the night of this here serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder dressed in white, and wave a lily-white handkercher.D'ye hear?""If I appear," said that remarkable female, "I shall wave a lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be scalded.
One bald-headed old fool will get HIS share."She refer'd to her husband.No doubt about it in my mind.But for fear she might exasperate me I said nothin.
The expected night cum.At nine o'clock precisely there was sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively air, which when they did finish it, there was cries of "Ward! Ward!" I stept out onto the portico.A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut mixed.There was a great many ragged boys, and there was quite a number of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin bole.The Band was also drunk.Dr.Schwazey, who was holdin up a post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk--so much so that it had got into his spectacles, which were staggerin wildly over his nose.But I was in for it, and I commenced:--"Feller Citizens,--For this onexpected honor--"LEADER OF THE BAND.--Will you give us our money now, or wait till you git through?"To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no attention.
"--for this onexpected honor, I thank you."LEADER OF THE BAND.--"But you said you'd give us seven dollars if we'd play two choons."Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows:--"I say, I thank you warmly.When I look at this crowd of true Americans, my heart swells--"DR.SCHWAZEY.--"So do I!"
A VOICE.--"We all do!"
"--my heart swells--"
A VOICE.--"Three cheers for the swells."
"We live," said I, "in troublous times, but I hope we shall again resume our former proud position, and go on in our glorious career!"DR.SCHWAZEY.--I'm willin for one to go on in a glorious career!
Will you join me, fellow-citizens, in a glorious career? What wages does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds himself?""Dr, Schwazey," said I, sternly, "you are drunk.You're disturbin the meetin."DR.S.--Have you a banquet spread in the house? I should like a rhunossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a horse and wagon roasted whole.Anything that's handy.Don't put yourself out on me account.
At this point the Band begun to make hidyous noises with their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to know if there wasn't to be some wittles afore the concern broke up? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just on the point of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened, and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the disorderly crowd, who took the hint and retired at once.
When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, among other arrangements, have a respectful company on hand.So no more from me to-day.When this you see, remember me.
7.4.O'BOURCY'S "ARRAH-NA-POGUE."
You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to the new Irish dramy at Niblo's Garding.I will do it, sir.
I knew your grandfather well, sir.Sum 16 years ago, while I was amoosin and instructin the intellectoal peple of Cape Cod with my justly pop'lar Show, I saw your grandfather.He was then between 96 years of age, but his mind was very clear.He told me I looked like George Washington.He said I had a massiv intellect.Your grandfather was a highly-intelligent man, and I made up my mind then that if I could ever help his family in any way, I'd do so.Your grandfather gave me sum clams and a Testament.He charged me for the clams but threw in the Testament.He was a very fine man.
I therefore rite for you, which insures your respectability at once.
It gives you a moral tone at the word go.
I found myself the other night at Niblo's Garding, which is now, by the way, Wheatley's Garding.(I don't know what's bcum of Nib.) Icouldn't see much of a garding, however, and it struck me if Mr.
Wheatley depended on it as regards raisin things, he'd run short of gardin sass.[N.B.--These remarks is yoomerous.The older I gro, the more I want to goak.]
I walked down the isle in my usual dignified stile, politely tellin the people as I parsed along to keep their seats."Don't git up for me," I sed.One of the prettiest young men I ever saw in my life showed me into a seat, and I proceeded to while away the spare time by reading Thompson's "Bank Note Reporter" and the comic papers.
The ordinance was large.
I tho't, from a cursiry view, that the Finnigan Brotherhood was well represented.
There was no end of bootiful wimin, and a heap of good clothes.
There was a good deal of hair present that belonged on the heds of peple who didn't cum with it--but this is a ticklish subjeck for me.
