Wax figgers is my perfeshun.I'm the father of Twins, and they look like me--BOTH OF THEM.I cum to pay a friendly visit to the President eleck of the United States.If so be you wants to see me, say so,--if not, say so & I'm orf like a jug handle.""Mr.Ward, sit down.I am glad to see you, Sir.""Repose in Abraham's Buzzum!" sed one of the orfice seekers, his idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense.
"Wall," sez I, "ef all you fellers repose in that there Buzzum thar'll be mity poor nussin for sum of you!" whereupon Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet 16.Jest at this pint of the conversation another swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the parler.Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted collectorships, sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin.I thought Old Abe would go crazy.He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em, before another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises.His house and dooryard was now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for a immejit interview with with Old Abe.One man from Ohio, who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me as "The Pra-hayrie Flower of the West!" Thinks I YOU want a offiss putty bad.Another man with a gold-heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe he was "a seckind Washington & the Pride of the Boundliss West."Sez I, "Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offiss if you could git it, would you?"Sez he, "A patrit is abuv them things, sir!""There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, ain't there, Squire?" sez I, when ANOTHER crowd of offiss seekers pored in.The house, dooryard, barng & woodshed was now all full, and when ANOTHER crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want of room as the hog-pen was still empty.One patrit from a small town in Michygan went up on top the house, got into the chimney and slid into the parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy.
The minit he reached the fireplace he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his eyes, and yelled: "Don't make eny pintment at the Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my papers.All the respectful men in our town is signers to that there dockyment!""Good God!" cried Old Abe, "they cum upon me from the skize--down the chimneys, and from the bowels of the yerth!" He hadn't more'n got them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat offiss-seekers from Winconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, & he would hev gone sprawlin into the fireplace if I hadn't caught him in these arms.But I hadn't more'n stood him up strate before another man cum crashing down the chimney, his head strikin me viliently again the inards and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the floor."Mr.Linkin," shoutid the infatooated being, "my papers is signed by every clergyman in our town, and likewise the skoolmaster!"Sez I, "You egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the dust from my eyes, "I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don't be a little more keerful how you make my bread basket a depot in the futur.How do you like that air perfumery?" sez I, shuving my fist under his nose."Them's the kind of papers I'll give you!
Them's the papers YOU want!"
"But I workt hard for the ticket; I toiled night and day! The patrit should be rewarded!""Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat-collar, "virtoo, sir, is its own reward.Look at me!" He did look at me, and qualed be4 my gase."The fact is," I continued, lookin' round on the hungry crowd, "there is scacely a offiss for every ile lamp carrid round durin' this campane.I wish thare was.I wish thare was furrin missions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where eppydemics rage incessantly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd send every mother's son of you to them.What air you here for?" Icontinnered, warmin up considerable, "can't you giv Abe a minit's peace? Don't you see he's worrid most to death? Go home, you miserable men, go home & till the sile! Go to peddlin tinware--go to choppin wood--go to bilin' sope--stuff sassengers--black boots--git a clerkship on sum respectable manure cart--go round as original Swiss Bell Ringers--becum 'origenal and only' Campbell Minstrels--go to lecturin at 50 dollars a nite--imbark in the peanut bizniss--WRITE FOR THE 'LEDGER'--saw off your legs and go round givin concerts, with tuchin appeals to a charitable public, printed on your handbills--anything for a honest living, but don't come round here drivin Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up!
Go home.Stand not upon the order of your goin,' but go to onct!
Ef in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their eyes, "Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you remains on these here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor loose! & ef he gits amung you, you'll think old Solferino has cum again and no mistake!" You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr.Fair.They run ort as tho Satun hisself was arter them with a red hot ten pronged pitchfork.In five minits the premises was clear.
"How kin I ever repay you, Mr.Ward, for your kindness?" sed Old Abe, advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand."How kin I ever repay you, sir?""By givin the whole country a good, sound administration.By poerin' ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South.By pursooin' a patriotic, firm, and just course, and then if any State wants to secede, let 'em Sesesh!""How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward?" sed Abe.
"Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Showmen, is devoid of politics.
