"Excuse this outbreak!" he said."But Dr.Dale has inflicted injuries "Scrope got up, walked slowly to the window, clasping his hands behind his back, and turned.His manner still retained much of his episcopal dignity."I am sorry.But still you can no doubt tell from your books what it was he gave me.It was a tonic that had a very great effect on me.And I need it badly now."Dr.Brighton-Pomfrey was quietly malignant."He kept no diary at all," he said."No diary at all.""But"If he did," said Dr.Brighton-Pomfrey, holding up a flat hand and wagging it from side to side, "I wouldn't follow his treatment." He intensified with the hand going faster."Iwouldn't follow his treatment.Not under any circumstances.""Naturally," said Scrope, "if the results are what you say.But in my case it wasn't a treatment.I was sleepless, confused in my mind, wretched and demoralized; I came here, and he just produced the stuff--It clears the head, it clears the mind.One seems to get away from the cloud of things, to get through to essentials and fundamentals.It straightened me out....You must know such a stuff.Just now, confronted with all sorts of problems arising out of my resignation, I want that tonic effect again.I must have it.I have matters to decide--and I can't decide.I find myself uncertain, changeable from hour to hour.I don't ask you to take up anything of this man Dale's.This is a new occasion.
But I want that drug."
At the beginning of this speech Dr.Brighton-Pomfrey's hands had fallen to his hips.As Scrope went on the doctor's pose had stiffened.His head had gone a little on one side; he had begun to play with his glasses.At the end he gave vent to one or two short coughs, and then pointed his words with his glasses held out.
"Tell me," he said, "tell me." (Cough.) "Had this drug that cleared your head--anything to do with your resignation?"And he put on his glasses disconcertingly, and threw his head back to watch the reply.
"It did help to clear up the situation."
"Exactly," said Dr.Brighton-Pomfrey in a tone that defined his own position with remorseless clearness."Exactly." And he held up a flat, arresting hand..
"My dear Sir," he said."How can you expect me to help you to a drug so disastrous?--even if I could tell you what it is.""But it was not disastrous to me," said Scrope.
"Your extraordinary resignation--your still more extraordinary way of proclaiming it!""I don't think those were disasters."
"But my dear Sir!"
"You don't want to discuss theology with me, I know.So let me tell you simply that from my point of view the illumination that came to me--this drug of Dr.Dale's helping--has been the great release of my life.It crystallized my mind.It swept aside the confusing commonplace things about me.Just for a time I saw truth clearly....I want to do so again.""Why?"
"There is a crisis in my affairs--never mind what.But Icannot see my way clear."
Dr.Brighton-Pomfrey was meditating now with his eyes on his carpet and the corners of his mouth tucked in.He was swinging his glasses pendulum-wise."Tell me," he said, looking sideways at Scrope, "what were the effects of this drug? It may have been anything.How did it give you this--this vision of the truth--that led to your resignation?"
Scrope felt a sudden shyness.But he wanted Dale's drug again so badly that he obliged himself to describe his previous experiences to the best of his ability.
"It was," he said in a matter-of-fact tone, "a golden, transparent liquid.Very golden, like a warm-tinted Chablis.When water was added it became streaked and opalescent, with a kind of living quiver in it.I held it up to the light.""Yes? And when you took it?"
"I felt suddenly clearer.My mind--I had a kind of exaltation and assurance.""Your mind," Dr.Brighton-Pomfrey assisted, "began to go twenty-nine to the dozen.""It felt stronger and clearer," said Scrope, sticking to his quest.
"And did things look as usual?" asked the doctor, protruding his knobby little face like a clenched fist.
"No," said Scrope and regarded him.How much was it possible to tell a man of this type?
"They differed?" said the doctor, relaxing.
"Yes....Well, to be plain....I had an immediate sense of God.
I saw the world--as if it were a transparent curtain, and then God became--evident....Is it possible for that to determine the drug?""God became--evident," the doctor said with some distaste, and shook his head slowly.Then in a sudden sharp cross-examining tone: "You mean you had a vision? Actually saw 'um?""It was in the form of a vision." Scrope was now mentally very uncomfortable indeed.
The doctor's lips repeated these words noiselessly, with an effect of contempt."He must have given you something--It's a little like morphia.But golden--opalescent? And it was this vision made you astonish us all with your resignation?""That was part of a larger process," said Scrope patiently."Ihad been drifting into a complete repudiation of the Anglican positions long before that.All that this drug did was to make clear what was already in my mind.And give it value.Act as a developer."The doctor suddenly gave way to a botryoidal hilarity."To think that one should be consulted about visions of God--in Mount Street!" he said."And you know, you know you half want to believe that vision was real.You know you do."So far Scrope had been resisting his realization of failure.
Now he gave way to an exasperation that made him reckless of Brighton-Pomfrey's opinion."I do think," he said, "that that drug did in some way make God real to me.I think I saw God."Dr.Brighton-Pomfrey shook his head in a way that made Scrope want to hit him.
