There came back to his mind the substance of his two former visions; they assumed now a reciprocal quality, they explained one another and the riddle before him.The first had shown him the personal human aspect of God, he had seen God as the unifying captain calling for his personal service, the second had set the stage for that service in the spectacle of mankind's adventure.
He had been shown a great multitude of human spirits reaching up at countless points towards the conception of the racial unity under a divine leadership, he had seen mankind on the verge of awakening to the kingdom of God."That solves no mystery," he whispered, gripping the seat and frowning at the water;"mysteries remain mysteries; but that is the reality of religion.
And now, now, what is my place? What have I to do? That is the question I have been asking always; the question that this moment now will answer; what have I to do?...
God was coming into the life of all mankind in the likeness of a captain and a king; all the governments of men, all the leagues of men, their debts and claims and possessions, must give way to the world republic under God the king.For five troubled years he had been staring religion in the face, and now he saw that it must mean this--or be no more than fetishism, Obi, Orphic mysteries or ceremonies of Demeter, a legacy of mental dirtiness, a residue of self-mutilation and superstitious sacrifices from the cunning, fear-haunted, ape-dog phase of human development.
But it did mean this.And every one who apprehended as much was called by that very apprehension to the service of God's kingdom.
To live and serve God's kingdom on earth, to help to bring it about, to propagate the idea of it, to establish the method of it, to incorporate all that one made and all that one did into its growing reality, was the only possible life that could be lived, once that God was known.
He sat with his hands gripping his knees, as if he were holding on to his idea."And now for my part," he whispered, brows knit, "now for my part."Ever since he had given his confirmation addresses he had been clear that his task, or at least a considerable portion of his task, was to tell of this faith in God and of this conception of service in his kingdom as the form and rule of human life and human society.But up to now he had been floundering hopelessly in his search for a method and means of telling.That, he saw, still needed to be thought out.For example, one cannot run through the world crying, "The Kingdom of God is at hand." Men's minds were still so filled with old theological ideas that for the most part they would understand by that only a fantasy of some great coming of angels and fiery chariots and judgments, and hardly a soul but would doubt one's sanity and turn scornfully away.But one must proclaim God not to confuse but to convince men's minds.It was that and the habit of his priestly calling that had disposed him towards a pulpit.There he could reason and explain.The decorative genius of Lady Sunderbund had turned that intention into a vast iridescent absurdity.
This sense he had of thinking openly in the sight of God, enabled him to see the adventure of Lady Sunderbund without illusion and without shame.He saw himself at once honest and disingenuous, divided between two aims.He had no doubt now of the path he had to pursue.A stronger man of permanently clear aims might possibly turn Lady Sunderbund into a useful opportunity, oblige her to provide the rostrum he needed; but for himself, he knew he had neither the needed strength nor clearness; she would smother him in decoration, overcome him by her picturesque persistence.It might be ridiculous to run away from her, but it was necessary.And he was equally clear now that for him there must be no idea of any pulpit, of any sustained mission.He was a man of intellectual moods; only at times, he realized, had he the inspiration of truth; upon such uncertain snatches and glimpses he must live; to make his life a ministry would be to face phases when he would simply be "carrying on,"with his mind blank and his faith asleep.
His thought spread out from this perennial decision to more general things again.Had God any need of organized priests at all? Wasn't that just what had been the matter with religion for the last three thousand years?
