Brown and MacShaughnassy came down together on the Saturday afternoon; and, as soon as they had dried themselves, and had had some tea, we settled down to work.
Jephson had written that he would not be able to be with us until late in the evening, and Brown proposed that we should occupy ourselves until his arrival with plots.
"Let each of us," said he, "sketch out a plot. Afterwards we can compare them, and select the best."This we proceeded to do. The plots themselves I forget, but Iremember that at the subsequent judging each man selected his own, and became so indignant at the bitter criticism to which it was subjected by the other two, that he tore it up; and, for the next half-hour, we sat and smoked in silence.
When I was very young I yearned to know other people's opinion of me and all my works; now, my chief aim is to avoid hearing it. In those days, had any one told me there was half a line about myself in a newspaper, I should have tramped London to obtain that publication. Now, when I see a column headed with my name, Ihurriedly fold up the paper and put it away from me, subduing my natural curiosity to read it by saying to myself, "Why should you?
It will only upset you for the day."
In my cubhood I possessed a friend. Other friends have come into my life since--very dear and precious friends--but they have none of them been to me quite what this friend was. Because he was my first friend, and we lived together in a world that was much bigger than this world--more full of joy and of grief; and, in that world, we loved and hated deeper than we love and hate in this smaller world that I have come to dwell in since.
He also had the very young man's craving to be criticised, and we made it our custom to oblige each other. We did not know then that what we meant, when we asked for "criticism," was encouragement. We thought that we were strong--one does at the beginning of the battle, and that we could bear to hear the truth.
Accordingly, each one pointed out to the other one his errors, and this task kept us both so busy that we had never time to say a word of praise to one another. That we each had a high opinion of the other's talents I am convinced, but our heads were full of silly saws. We said to ourselves: "There are many who will praise a man;it is only his friend who will tell him of his faults." Also, we said: "No man sees his own shortcomings, but when these are pointed out to him by another he is grateful, and proceeds to mend them."As we came to know the world better, we learnt the fallacy of these ideas. But then it was too late, for the mischief had been done.
When one of us had written anything, he would read it to the other, and when he had finished he would say, "Now, tell me what you think of it--frankly and as a friend."Those were his words. But his thoughts, though he may not have known them, were:-"Tell me it is clever and good, my friend, even if you do not think so. The world is very cruel to those that have not yet conquered it, and, though we keep a careless face, our young hearts are scored with wrinkles. Often we grow weary and faint-hearted. Is it not so, my friend? No one has faith in us, and in our dark hours we doubt ourselves. You are my comrade. You know what of myself Ihave put into this thing that to others will be but an idle half-hour's reading. Tell me it is good, my friend. Put a little heart into me, I pray you."But the other, full of the lust of criticism, which is civilisation's substitute for cruelty, would answer more in frankness than in friendship. Then he who had written would flush angrily, and scornful words would pass.
One evening, he read me a play he had written. There was much that was good in it, but there were also faults (there are in some plays), and these I seized upon and made merry over. I could hardly have dealt out to the piece more unnecessary bitterness had I been a professional critic.
As soon as I paused from my sport he rose, and, taking his manuscript from the table, tore it in two, and flung it in the fire--he was but a very young man, you must remember--and then, standing before me with a white face, told me, unsolicited, his opinion of me and of my art. After which double event, it is perhaps needless to say that we parted in hot anger.
I did not see him again for years. The streets of life are very crowded, and if we loose each other's hands we are soon hustled far apart. When I did next meet him it was by accident.
I had left the Whitehall Rooms after a public dinner, and, glad of the cool night air, was strolling home by the Embankment. A man, slouching along under the trees, paused as I overtook him.
"You couldn't oblige me with a light, could you, guv'nor?" he said.
The voice sounded strange, coming from the figure that it did.
I struck a match, and held it out to him, shaded by my hands. As the faint light illumined his face, I started back, and let the match fall:-"Harry!"
He answered with a short dry laugh. "I didn't know it was you," he said, "or I shouldn't have stopped you.""How has it come to this, old fellow?" I asked, laying my hand upon his shoulder. His coat was unpleasantly greasy, and I drew my hand away again as quickly as I could, and tried to wipe it covertly upon my handkerchief.
"Oh, it's a long, story," he answered carelessly, "and too conventional to be worth telling. Some of us go up, you know. Some of us go down. You're doing pretty well, I hear.""I suppose so," I replied; "I've climbed a few feet up a greasy pole, and am trying to stick there. But it is of you I want to talk. Can't I do anything for you?"We were passing under a gas-lamp at the moment. He thrust his face forward close to mine, and the light fell full and pitilessly upon it.
"Do I look like a man you could do anything for?" he said.
We walked on in silence side by side, I casting about for words that might seize hold of him.
"You needn't worry about me," he continued after a while, "I'm comfortable enough. We take life easily down here where I am.
We've no disappointments."
