I've often thought that headstrong youths Of decent education， Determine all-important truths， With strange precipitation.
The ever-ready victims they， Of logical illusions， And in a self-assertive way They jump at strange conclusions.
Now take my case： Ere sorrow could My ample forehead wrinkle， I had determined that I should Not care to be a winkle.
"A winkle，" I would oft advance With readiness provoking， "Can seldom flirt， and never dance， Or soothe his mind by smoking."In short， I spurned the shelly joy， And spoke with strange decision -Men pointed to me as a boy Who held them in derision.
But I was young - too young， by far -
Or I had been more wary， I knew not then that winkles are The stock-in-trade of MARY.
I had not watched her sunlight blithe As o'er their shells it dances -I've seen those winkles almost writhe Beneath her beaming glances.
Of slighting all the winkly brood I surely had been chary， If I had known they formed the food And stock-in-trade of MARY.
Both high and low and great and small Fell prostrate at her tootsies， They all were noblemen， and all Had balances at COUTTS'S.
Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt， DUKE BAILEY and DUKE HUMPHY， Who ate her winkles till they felt Exceedingly uncomfy.
DUKE BAILEY greatest wealth computes， And sticks， they say， at no-thing， He wears a pair of golden boots And silver underclothing.
DUKE HUMPHY， as I understand， Though mentally acuter， His boots are only silver， and His underclothing pewter.
A third adorer had the girl， A man of lowly station -A miserable grov'ling Earl Besought her approbation.
This humble cad she did refuse With much contempt and loathing， He wore a pair of leather shoes And cambric underclothing！
"Ha！ ha！" she cried. "Upon my word！
Well， really - come， I never！
Oh， go along， it's too absurd！
My goodness！ Did you ever？
"Two Dukes would Mary make a bride， And from her foes defend her" -"Well， not exactly that，" they cried， "We offer guilty splendour.
"We do not offer marriage rite， So please dismiss the notion！""Oh dear，" said she， "that alters quite The state of my emotion."The Earl he up and says， says he， "Dismiss them to their orgies， For I am game to marry thee Quite reg'lar at St. George's."(He'd had， it happily befell， A decent education， His views would have befitted well A far superior station.)His sterling worth had worked a cure， She never heard him grumble；She saw his soul was good and pure， Although his rank was humble.
Her views of earldoms and their lot， All underwent expansion -Come， Virtue in an earldom's cot！
Go， Vice in ducal mansion！
第一章Ballad： Thomson Green And Harriet Hale (To be sung to the Air of "An 'Orrible Tale.")
Oh list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE；Its truth in one remark you'll sum -
"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum！"Oh， THOMSON GREEN was an auctioneer， And made three hundred pounds a year；And HARRIET HALE， most strange to say， Gave pianoforte lessons at a sovereign a day.
Oh， THOMSON GREEN， I may remark， Met HARRIET HALE in Regent's Park， Where he， in a casual kind of way， Spoke of the extraordinary beauty of the day.
They met again， and strange， though true， He courted her for a month or two， Then to her pa he said， says he， "Old man， I love your daughter and your daughter worships me！"Their names were regularly banned， The wedding day was settled， and I've ascertained by dint of search They were married on the quiet at St. Mary Abbot's Church.
Oh， list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE， Its truth in one remark you'll sum -"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum！"That very self-same afternoon They started on their honeymoon， And (oh， astonishment！) took flight To a pretty little cottage close to Shanklin， Isle of Wight.
But now - you'll doubt my word， I know -
In a month they both returned， and lo！
Astounding fact！ this happy pair Took a gentlemanly residence in Canonbury Square！
They led a weird and reckless life， They dined each day， this man and wife (Pray disbelieve it， if you please)， On a joint of meat， a pudding， and a little bit of cheese.
In time came those maternal joys Which take the form of girls or boys， And strange to say of each they'd one -A tiddy-iddy daughter， and a tiddy-iddy son！
Oh， list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE， Its truth in one remark you'll sum -"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum！"My name for truth is gone， I fear， But， monstrous as it may appear， They let their drawing-room one day To an eligible person in the cotton-broking way.
Whenever THOMSON GREEN fell sick His wife called in a doctor， quick， From whom some words like these would come -FIAT MIST. SUMENDUM HAUSTUS， in a COCHLEYAREUM.
For thirty years this curious pair Hung out in Canonbury Square， And somehow， wonderful to say， They loved each other dearly in a quiet sort of way.
Well， THOMSON GREEN fell ill and died；
For just a year his widow cried， And then her heart she gave away To the eligible lodger in the cotton-broking way.
Oh， list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE， Its truth in one remark you'll sum -"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum！"
