I had several times noticed that every time he planted a knife in the board, she uttered a laugh, so low as scarcely to be heard, but which was very significant when one heard it, for it was a hard and very mocking laugh. I had always attributed that sort of reply to an artifice which the occasion required. It was intended, I thought, to accentuate the danger she incurred and the contempt that she felt for it, thanks to the sureness of the thrower's hands, and so I was very much surprised when the mountebank said to me:
"Have you observed her laugh, I say? Her evil laugh which makes fun of me, and her cowardly laugh which defies me? Yes, cowardly, because she knows that nothing can happen to her, nothing, in spite of all she deserves, in spite of all that I ought to do to her, in spite of all that I WANT to do to her.""What do you want to do?"
"Confound it! Cannot you guess? I want to kill her.""To kill her, because she has--"
"Because she has deceived me? No, no, not that, I tell you again.
I have forgiven her for that a long time ago, and I am too much accustomed to it! But the worst of it is that the first time Iforgave her, when I told her that all the same I might some day have my revenge by cutting her throat, if I chose, without seeming to do it on purpose, as if it were an accident, mere awkwardness--""Oh! So you said that to her?"
"Of course I did, and I meant it. I thought I might be able to do it, for you see I had the perfect right to do so. It was so ******, so easy, so tempting! Just think! A mistake of less than half an inch, and her skin would be cut at the neck where the jugular vein is, and the jugular would be severed. My knives cut very well! And when once the jugular is cut--good-bye. The blood would spurt out, and one, two, three red jets, and all would be over; she would be dead, and I should have had my revenge!""That is true, certainly, horribly true!""And without any risk to me, eh? An accident, that is all; bad luck, one of those mistakes which happen every day in our business. What could they accuse me of? Whoever would think of accusing me, even? Homicide through imprudence, that would be all! They would even pity me, rather than accuse me. 'My wife! My poor wife!' I should say, sobbing. 'My wife, who is so necessary to me, who is half the breadwinner, who takes part in my performance!' You must acknowledge that I should be pitied!""Certainly; there is not the least doubt about that.""And you must allow that such a revenge would he a very nice revenge, the best possible revenge which I could have with assured impunity.""Evidently that is so."
"Very well! But when I told her so, as I have told you, and more forcibly still; threatening her as I was mad with rage and ready to do the deed that I had dreamed of on the spot, what do you think she said?""That you were a good fellow, and would certainly not have the atrocious courage to--""Tut! tut! tut! I am not such a good fellow as you think. I am not frightened of blood, and that I have proved already, though it would be useless to tell you how and where. But I had no necessity to prove it to her, for she knows that I am capable of a good many things; even of crime; especially of one crime.""And she was not frightened?"
"No. She merely replied that I could not do what I said; you understand. That I could not do it!""Why not?"
"Ah! Monsieur, so you do not understand? Why do you not? I have Inot explained to you by what constant, long, daily practice Ihave learned to plant my knives without seeing what I am doing?""Yes, well, what then?"
"Well! Cannot you understand what she has understood with such terrible results, that now my hand would no longer obey me if Iwished to make a mistake as I threw?"
"Is it possible?"
"Nothing is truer, I am sorry to say. For I really have wished to have the revenge which I have dreamed of, and which I thought so easy. Exasperated by that bad woman's insolence and confidence in her own safety, I have several times made up my mind to kill her, and have exerted all my energy and all my skill to make my knives fly aside when I threw them to make a border round her neck. Ihave tried with all my might to make them deviate half an inch, just enough to cut her throat. I wanted to, and I have never succeeded, never. And always the slut's horrible laugh makes fun of me, always, always."And with a deluge of tears, with something like a roar of unsatiated and muzzled rage, he ground his teeth as he wound up:
"She knows me, the jade; she is in the secret of my work, of my patience, of my trick, routine, whatever you may call it! She lives in my innermost being, and sees into it more closely than you do, or than I do myself. She knows what a faultless machine Ihave become, the machine of which she makes fun, the machine which is too well wound up, the machine which cannot get out of order--and she knows that I CANNOT make a mistake."
