Fitzstultz, our Colonel, will have 'em so.Must be a distinction you know.At his own expense Fitzstultz altered the plumes in the men's caps (you called them shaving-brushes, Snob, my boy: most absurd and unjust that attack of yours, by the way); that altewation alone cotht him five hundred pound.The year befaw latht he horthed the wegiment at an immenthe expenthe, and we're called the Queen'th Own Pyebalds from that day.Ever theen uth on pawade? The Empewar Nicolath burtht into tearth of envy when he thaw uth at Windthor.And you see,' continued my young friend, 'I brought Gules down with me, as the Governor is very sulky about shelling out, just to talk my mother over, who can do anything with him.Gules told her that I was Fitzstultz's favourite of the whole regiment; and, Gad! she thinks the Horse Guards will give me my troop for nothing, and he humbugged the Governor that I was the greatest screw in the army.Ain't it a good dodge?'
With this Wellesley left me to go and smoke a cigar in the stables with Lord Gules, and make merry over the cattle there, under Stripes's superintendence.Young Ponto laughed with his friend, at the venerable four-wheeled cruelty-chaise; but seemed amazed that the latter should ridicule still more an ancient chariot of the build of 1824, emblazoned immensely with the arme of the Pontos and the Snaileys, from which latter distinguished family Mrs.Ponto issued.
I found poor Pon in his study among his boots, in such a rueful attitude of despondency, that I could not but remark it.'Look at that!' says the poor fellow, handing me over a document.'It's the second change in uniform since he's been in the army, and yet there's no extravagance about the lad.Lord Gules tells me he is the most careful youngster in the regiment, God bless him! But look at that! by heaven, Snob, look at that and say how can a man of nine hundred keep out of the Bench?'
He gave a sob as he handed me the paper across the table;and his old face, and his old corduroys, and his shrunk shooting-jacket, and his lean shanks, looked, as he spoke, more miserably haggard, bankrupt, and threadbare.
LIEUT.WELLESLEY PONTO, 120TH QUEEN'S OWN PYEBALDHUSSARS, TO KNOPF AND STECKNADEL, CONDUIT STREET, LONDON.
L.s.d Dress Jacket, richly laced with gold.35 0 0Ditto Pelisse ditto, and trimmed with sable..60 0 0Undress Jacket, trimmed with gold 15 15 0Ditto Pelisse..30 0 0Dress Pantaloons12 0 0Ditto Overalls, gold lace on sides.6 6 0Undress ditto ditto.5 5 0Blue Braided Frock 14 14 0Forage Cap..3 3 0Dress Cap, gold lines, plume and chain...25 0 0Gold Barrelled Sash 11 18 0Sword..11 11 0Ditto Belt and Sabretache..16 16 0Pouch and Belt.15 15 0SwordKnot..1 4 0Cloak...13 13 0Valise...3 13 6Regulation Saddle.7 17 6Ditto Bridle, complete...10 10 0A Dress Housing, complete..30 0 0A pair of Pistols.10 10 0A Black Sheepskin, edged...6 18 0Total L347 9 0That evening Mrs.Ponto and her family made their darling Wellesley give a full, true, and particular account of everything that had taken place at Lord Fitzstultz's; how many servants waited at dinner; and how the Ladies Schneider dressed; and what his Royal Highness said when he came down to shoot; and who was there? "What a blessing that boy is to me!" said she, as my pimple-faced young friend moved off to resume smoking operations with Gules in the now vacant kitchen ;--and poor Ponto's dreary and desperate look, shall I ever forget that?
O you parents and guardians! O you men and women of sense in England! O you legislators about to assemble in Parliament! read over that tailor's bill above printed, read over that absurd catalogue of insane gimcracks and madman's tomfoolery--and say how are you ever to get rid of Snobbishness when society does so much for its education?
Three hundred and forty pounds for a young chap's saddle and breeches! Before George, I would rather be a Hottentot or a Highlander.We laugh at poor Jocko, the monkey, dancing in uniform; or at poor Jeames, the flunkey, with his quivering calves and plush tights; or at the nigger Marquis of Marmalade, dressed out with sabre and epaulets, and giving himself the airs of a field-marshal.Lo! is not one of the Queen's Pyebalds, in full fig, as great and foolish a monster?
