上篇 逗比朋友
1.I Have the Key
Jesse called after his friend Edwin."Hey, Edwin! Someone has stolen your treasure box."
Edwin smiled and said."Don't worry, John. I have the key."
我拿着钥匙呢
杰西在他的朋友艾德文后面高声地叫着：“嗨，艾德文！有人把你的珠宝盒给偷走。”
艾德文边笑边回答：“不要紧，我拿着盒子上的钥匙。”
2.That'.What I Want to Find Out
"We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him."
"Well, I don't know. Does he bite."
"That'.what I want to find out."
那正是我想知道的
“我们新养了一条狗，你要过来和他玩玩。”
“哦，我不知道。他咬人。”
“这正是我想要知道。”
3.My Dog Can't Read
Mrs. Jack: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Jack: It'.no use, my little dog can't read.
狗不识字
杰克夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把最爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：你该在报纸上登广告啊！
杰克夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。
4.Two Friends
"Sandy, please wait a minute! I wouldn't say this to you, but now I can't help it. You borrowed my umbrella three days ago, and haven't returned it yet."
"Oh, Jenny, I had no choice because it has been raining since then, you know."
两个朋友
“桑迪，请等一下！我不能不和你说一下了。三天前你就把我的伞借走了，可到现在你还没有还。”
“哦，詹妮，我也没办法呀，你知道的，从那天起雨就一直在。”
5.Who Is this Speaking
Mr. Marcus was in the hospital for a long time.
One night the phone rang at the nurses'.tation.
"How is Mr. Marcus."the caller asked.
"He'.doing very well. In fact, he'.being discharged tomorrow. Who is this speaking."
"This is Mr. Marcus—the doctors don't tell me a thing."
你是谁
马库斯先生住院很长时间了。
一天夜里，护士站的电话铃响了。
“马库斯先生还好。”打电话的人问。
“他很好。事实上，他明天就可以出院了。你是。”
“我就是马库斯先生——医生们什么都不告诉。”
6.Go Swimming
An American touring in the Sahara was dressed in a bathing suit. An Arabian gazed at him in amazement.
"I'.going swimming."the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is five hundred miles away."the Arab informed him.
"Five hundred miles."the American exclaimed with a huge smile."Boy, what a beach."
去游泳
一位美国游客正身着泳装在撒哈拉沙漠观光。一个阿拉伯人惊奇地看着他。
“我要去游。”游客解释说。
“可大洋还有500英里。”阿拉伯人对他说。
“500英。”美国人笑着惊叫道，“小伙子，这是一个多么大的海滩。”
7.What Do You Call Your Other Arm
I went to a restaurant one day recently wearing a shirt with the designer'.signature on the right sleeve.
As I stood in line to wait for a table, an elderly gentleman tapped me on the shoulder. Pointing to the label, he said."Nice name."Then, in a curious tone, he asked,"What do you call your other arm."
另一只手臂叫什么名字
最近有一天，我穿着一件右边袖子上有设计者签名的衬衫去了一家餐馆。
排队等候空桌时，一位年长的先生拍了拍我的肩膀，指着签名说：“好名。”然后，他又好奇地问道：“你管另一只手臂叫什。”
8.Tell the Difference
I stopped by a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered."Yeah, three males and two females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered."Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
区分不同
几天前，我顺便到一个朋友家拜访，发现他正举着苍蝇拍四处拍打苍蝇。
我问他是否拍到几只苍蝇，他回答说：“拍到了，三只公的，两只母。”
出于好奇，我问他是怎么区分的。
他回答说：“三只趴在啤酒罐上，两只贴在电话机。”
9.A Big Tiger
"Last week,"Tom said to his friend Kenneth."I went for a walk in a large park. The day was very cold, and the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a big tiger."
"What did you do."asked Kenneth.
"I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home."answered Tom.
"Did it run after you."asked Kenneth.
"Oh, no, it didn't. You see, it was in the coop."
大老虎
“上星。”汤姆对他的朋友肯尼斯说，“我在一个大公园里散步。天冷风大。突然，我看到一只大老。”
“你是怎么做的。”肯尼斯问道。
“我看了看它，双手插进口袋就回家去。”汤姆答道。
“它追你了。”肯尼斯又问道。
“噢，没有。你明白，它是在笼子。”
10.Choice Questions
My husband took two Graduate Record Exams on the same day and came home exhausted from hours of answering multiple choice questions. He collapsed on the sofa.
His wife came to inform him that dinner was ready and asked if he would prefer water, lemonade or milk with his meal.
He paused for a moment and then replied."I'.l take C, the milk."
选择题
丈夫同一天参加了两项研究生入学考试。几个小时的多项选择题使他筋疲力尽，回家后他瘫倒在沙发上。
他的妻子走过来对他说，晚饭准备好了，问他吃饭时是想喝水、柠檬汁还是牛奶。
他停顿了一会儿，回答说：“我选C，牛。”
11.I Don't Know
Blake: My wife doesn't understand me, does yours？
John: I don't know. I'.e never heard her even mention your name.
我不知道
布莱克：我妻子不理解我，你妻子呢？
约翰：我不知道，我从来没听她提起过你的名字。
12.Little Room
Billy checked into a hotel. But his wrath rose almost as soon as he left the desk."I may be looked upon as a simple Irish lad from bogs,"he roared to the porter who was carrying his bags."but I'.not paying good money for a room no bigger than a cupboard with nothing but a little folding chair in it."
"Please go in, sir."said the porter."That'.a lift."
小房间
比利在一家旅馆办理了登记手续。但刚一离开服务台，他就火冒三丈。“你们竟敢把我当成从沼泽地里来的爱尔兰傻小。”他对行李搬运工大声吼道，“我可不会付高价来住这样一个碗柜大小、只有一把小折椅的小房。”
“请进来吧，先。”行李搬运工说，“这是电。”
13.A Tip to Stay Awake
Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'.been a long‐haul truck driver."I'.love to drive a big rig."I said."but I'.worry about falling asleep at the wheel.""Here'.a tip to stay awake."he offered."Put a ＄100 bill in your left hand and hold it out of the window."
保持清醒的诀窍
像我这样的技术支持人员会整天在电话里和顾客谈天说地。许多人喜欢在等他们的电脑重新启动的时候聊天。有一名男子告诉我，他曾经是长途卡车司机。我说：“我喜欢开大卡车，但是又担心开车的时候会睡。”他说：“有一个诀窍，可以让你保持清醒。左手握一张一百美元的大票，然后把手伸到窗外。”
14.The Umbrella
A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written."This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes."When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written."This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. I shall not come back."
雨伞
一位住在旅馆的先生把他的雨伞落在了大厅里，不过他在伞柄上系了一张卡片，上面写着：“此伞属于一位能举百磅的绅士。我将在十分钟内回。”等他回来时，发现雨伞已经不翼而飞，取而代之的是另一张卡片，上面写着：“此卡是一位一小时能跑十英里的人留下的，我永远不回来。”
15.Good Points and Bad Points
"This house,"said the real estate salesman."has both its good points and bad points.To show you I'.honest, I'.going to tell you about the disadvantage—there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."
"What are the advantages."inquired the prospective buyer.
"The good thing about it,"said the agent."is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
优缺点
“这幢房。”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了证明我是诚实的，我将告诉你它的缺点——往南面一个街区有一家化工厂，往北面一个街区有一家屠宰。”
“那么它有什么优点。”准备购买房子的人问道。
“它的优。”代理商说道，“就是你总能分出风是从哪边吹过来。”
16.I Wasn't Dead
A young man fell into a state of coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of them asked what it felt like to be dead.
"Dead."he exclaimed."I wasn't dead. And I knew I wasn't dead because my feet were cold and I was hungry."
"But how did that make you sure."
"Well, I knew that if I were in heaven I shouldn't be hungry, and if I was in the other place my feet shouldn't be cold."
我还没死
一个年轻人昏死了过去，但是当他的朋友们要掩埋他的时候，他却又苏醒过来。
他的一个朋友问他死的感觉是怎样的。
“。”他喊道，“我并没有死，我知道我没死，因为我的脚是凉的，而我又很。”
“你怎么能肯定你没。”
“当然了，我知道如果我上了天堂，我就不会觉得饿；如果我下到地狱，那我的脚就不会是凉的。”
17.Fishing
Larry and Harry drove 300 miles to go fishing. They paid a huge sum to rent a cabin, a similar about to rent a boat. They fished for three days and caught only one fish between them.
On the way home, Harry fiddled with a calculator while Larry drove. After an hour, Harry said."Do you realize that this one fish we caught cost us almost ＄2,00."
"Wow."Larry said."It'.a good thing we didn't catch any more."
钓鱼
拉里和哈里驱车三百英里去钓鱼。两人花了一大笔钱租了一间小屋，又花了差不多同样的钱租了一条船。两人钓了三天，只钓到一条鱼。
在回家的路上，拉里开车，哈里拨弄着计算器。一小时后，哈里说：“你可知道我们钓的这条鱼几乎用掉我们2000美。”
“。”拉里说，“幸亏我们没有多钓到。”
18.Dog Temperament
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noticed that a test for a canine'.disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the owner, whereas a good would lick his owner'.face or show concern.
One day, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the table for my pizza.
狗的性情
在一次关于狗的性情的研讨会上，教员告知大家一种测试犬科动物性情的方法——狗的主人摔倒并假装受伤。秉性差的狗会企图咬它的主人，而秉性好的狗会舔主人的脸或现出关心的神情。
有一天在卧室吃披萨的时候，我决定在自己的两条狗身上检验一下这个理论。我站起来，紧握住胸口，发出一声尖叫，然后倒在地上。这两条狗看了看我，又相互对视了一下，然后奔向餐桌去抢我的披萨。
19.What Does It Say
I returned from Russia after living there nearly three years. My sister decided to surprise me by creatin."Welcome Hom."signs in Russian. She went to a website that offered translations, and printed the translated phrase onto cardboards. When I got off the plane, I saw my whole family, excitedly waving colored cardboards. My sister gave me a big hug, and pointed proudly to her creation."Isn't that great."she said."Bet you didn't think I knew any Russian."I admitted that I was indeed surprised—the signs actually said."Translation is not found."
它是什么意思
我在俄国住了将近三年以后回国。我妹妹打算给我一个惊喜，她用俄文做了一个“欢迎。”的标语。她找了一个提供翻译的网站，并把翻译出来的文字打印在了硬纸板上。我一下飞机就看到全家人兴高采烈地挥舞着彩色的硬纸板。我妹妹给了我一个热烈的拥抱，并且自豪地指着她的作品说：“是不是很棒？我敢打赌你一定没想到我还懂一点俄。”我承认我确实是大吃一惊。这标语实际上是说：“没有找到译。”
20.Silly Dog
Ian is a young man. He does not have a wife, but he has a very big dog, and he has a very small car too. He likes playing tennis. Last Monday he played tennis for an hour at his club, and then he ran out and jumped into a car. His dog came after him, but it didn't jump into the same car. It jumped into the next one.
"Come here, silly dog."Ian shouted at it, but the dog stayed in the other car.
Ian put his key into the lock of the car, but the key did not turn. Then he looked at the car again. It was not his!
He was in the wrong car! And the dog was in the right one!
蠢狗
伊恩是个小伙子，还没有妻子，但他有一条很大的狗和一辆很小的汽车。他喜欢打网球。上星期一，他在俱乐部打了一个小时网球，匆匆走出俱乐部，跳上了一辆车。狗跟随其后，却没有和伊恩上同一辆车，而是上了旁边的另一辆车。
“过来，蠢。”伊恩对狗大声喊道，但狗卧在那辆车上一动不动。
伊恩把钥匙插进锁孔，却转不动钥匙。他仔细看了看车，发现这原来不是他的车！是他上错了车！而他的狗却上对了车！
21.One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker.
"Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain'.voice aga‐ in."Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious."For Pete'.sake."he shouted."If we lose another engine, we'.l be up here all night."
只剩一个引擎
一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小。”
过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了，只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时。”
正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都呆在天上。”
22.The Poem Was Stolen
One evening a young man at Oxford who was known to be something of a poet read one of his poems to a small group of friends in his room. The poem was greatly admired, but as they came away, one of the friends, Glen, said, I was very much interested in Alfred's poem but it was stolen from a book."
This remark was repeated to Alfred, who was very annoyed and demanded an apology.
"Well."said Glen."I don't often take back what I have said, but on this occasion I admit I was mistaken. When I returned to my room I looked in the book from which I thought the poem was stolen and I found it was still there."
偷诗
一天晚上，牛津大学一位有点诗才的年轻人在他的房间里给几个朋友念他写的一首诗，他这首诗大受称赞。但是，他们离开后，一个名叫格林的朋友说：“我对阿尔弗雷德的诗非常感兴趣，但他这是从一本书上偷来。”
这话传到了阿尔弗雷德那里，他非常气恼，要求格林道歉。
“。”格林说，“我说出去的话通常不会收回，但这次我承认是我错了。我以为他从那本书里偷走了这首诗，但等我回到房间看那本书时，发现那首诗还在那。”
23.Tossing the Coin
A beautiful girl reports for her University Final Examination that consists of Y／N‐type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the questions paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads for Y and tails for N.
Within half an hour she finishes her paper whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is desperately throwing the coin.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But."she says."I'.rechecking my answers."
掷硬币
一个漂亮的女孩参加大学期末考试，试题均为是非题。
她在考场座位上坐下来，盯着考题看了5分钟，随后突然灵机一动，拿出钱夹，掏出一枚硬币，然后一边抛硬币，一边填写答题纸。硬币正面朝上填。反面朝上填。
她不到半小时就做完了考题，而其他考生正在吃力地答题。在最后几分钟，她又在拼命掷硬币。
监考老师对她的行为提高了警惕，走到她跟前，问发生了什么事儿。
“我半小时就做完了。不。”她说，“我正在复查答。”
24.My First and My Last
When George was thirty‐two, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.
George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought." I'.e travelled in a big plane several times, but I'.e never been in a small one, so I'.l go."
They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.
When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice."Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."
George was very surprised and said."Two trips."
"Yes, my first and my last."answered Mark.
第一次与最后一次
乔治三十二岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。
乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。
马克心想：“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一。”
升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。
后来他们着陆了，马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说：“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞。”
乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞。”
“是的，我的第一次和最后一。”马克答道。
25.Pay As Little As Possible
A businessman, who always tried to pay as little as possible for what he needed, felt ill one day. He decided to go to a doctor and asked a friend to recommend one.
"Dr. Smith has a good reputation."the friend told him.
"Is he expensive."the businessman asked.
"Yes and no.He charges fifty dollars for the first visit, but only twenty dollars for each visit after that."
"That seems reasonable."the businessman said, and went to visit Dr. Smith. As he walked into the consulting room, he said."Well, here I am again, doctor,"and put twenty dollars on the table.
The doctor looked at him carefully for a moment, then smiled and put the money into the drawer of this desk."Thank you,"he said."And what can I do for you today."
"Examine me, of course,"the businessman said."and tell me what'.wrong with me."
"Oh, there'.no need for me to examine you again."the doctor said."Just continue taking the medicine I prescribed for you when you came to see me last time."
省钱
一个商人总是想方设法为他需要的东西省钱。有一天，他突
然病了，决定去看医生，便请一位朋友给他推荐一位。
“史密斯大夫声望不。”朋友对他说。
“他收费高。”商人问道。
“高，但也可以说不算高。他第一次看病收费50美元，以后每次看病只收二十美。”
“听起来很合。”商人说，然后就去史密斯大夫那里了。走进诊所时，他说：“噢，我又来了，大。”然后将二十美元放在了桌子上。
医生仔细看了他一会儿，然后面带微笑，将钱放进了办公桌抽屉里，说：“谢谢，你今天看什么。”
“当然是给我检查。”商人说，“给我看看得了什么。”
“噢，我没必要再给你检查。”医生说，“请继续吃你上次来时我给你开的药。”
中篇 走调职员
1.Fresh Milk
Customer: I wonder if this milk is fresh.
Waiter: Fresh？ Three hours ago it was grass!
新鲜奶
顾客：我想知道这牛奶是否新鲜。
侍者：新鲜？三小时前它还是草呢！
2.Argue
A pair of economists went to a restaurant for lunch.
"Never mind the food."one said to the waitress."Just bring us the bill, so we can argue about it."
争论
两名经济学家走进一家饭店吃午饭。
“不要管是什么。”其中一位对女侍者说，“请把账单拿来，这样我们就能争论。”
3.Do What You Can
In a courtroom, the judge sentenced a criminal to thirty years in prison and the prisoner said."But Sir, I won'to live that long."
So the judge replied."Don't worry, just do what you can."
尽力就好
在法庭上，法官宣判某个罪犯要服三十年徒刑。犯人说：“法官，我活不了那么久。”
法官说：“别担心！你尽力而为就。”
4.What Should I Do
A man was at the doctor'.office."Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do."he asked.
"Take the spoon out of your coffee cup."answered the doctor.
我该怎么办
“医生，每次我喝咖啡，右眼都有一种刺痛感。我该怎么。”他问道。
“把勺子从咖啡杯里拿出。”医生回答说。
5.Interview God
A reporter covering a coal‐mine disaster filed a story that began."God looked at the grief today in this little West Virginia mining town, and He wept."
The city editor emailed back."Forget the mine cave‐in.Interview God."
采访上帝
一名记者报道一次煤矿惨案时，发出的新闻是这样开始的：
“上帝看着这座小小的西弗吉尼亚矿城今天沉浸在悲痛之中，也禁不住哭。”
城里的编辑回信说：“别再报道矿井坍塌事件了，采访上。”
6.Yes or No
Approaching a passerby, a street bum asked."Sir, would you give me a hundred dollar for a cup of coffee."
"That'.ridiculous."the man replied.
"Just a yes or no, fella,"the beggar growled."I don't need a lecture about how to run my business."
是与否
街头流浪汉走近一个行人，问道：“先生，你愿意给我一百元买一杯咖啡。”
“真荒。”那人答道。
“伙计，只说行或不。”乞丐咆哮说，“我不需要谁来教训我怎样经营自己的生。”
7.How to Do It
A schoolgirl was sitting with her feet stretched far out into the aisle, and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her.
"Sheila."called the teacher sharply.
"Yes, sir."questioned the girl.
"Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in."
怎样做
一女生坐在座位上，嘴里拼命地嚼着口香糖，脚还伸到过道里，被老师给看见了。
“希。”老师大声地叫她。
“怎么了，老。”这个女孩问道。
“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把你的脚放进。”
8.Sooner or Later
A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.
Judge: Have you ever stolen things？
Thief: Oh, now and then.
Judge: And where have you stolen these things？
Thief: Oh, here and there.
Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.
Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail？
Judge: Oh, sooner or later.
迟早
一个有一长串案底的小偷被带到法官面前。
法官：你有没有偷东西？
小偷：噢，偶尔。
法官：你在哪儿偷的东西？
小偷：噢，到处。
法官：好吧。把他拷起来，警官。
小偷：嘿，我什么时候能出狱？
法官：噢，迟早。
9.Let Me Know What You Think
Despite his best sales pitch, a life‐insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision."he announced, standing up to leave."Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
告诉我你们的想法
尽管推销手段非常高超，但这名人寿保险推销员还是没能让一对夫妇签下这一单。
“我确实不想吓唬你们作决。”他站起来要离开时说，“请今晚睡觉时好好想想，如果你们第二天早上能醒来的话，务必把你们的想法告诉。”
10.Two Attorneys
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner marched over and told them."You can't eat your own sandwiches here."
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
两个律师
两个律师走进一个餐厅要了两杯饮料，从手提箱中拿出三明治开始吃起来。
餐厅老板走过来警告说：“你们不能在这里吃自己的三明。”
两个律师对看了一眼，耸耸肩，然后交换了手中的三明治。
11.He'.Not Doing Any Digging
The squad was having visual training. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but without hesitation the recruit replied."Sixteen men and a sergeant, sir."
"Right, but how do you know there'.a sergeant there."
"He'.not doing any digging, sir."
他没有在挖
分队正在进行视力训练。一个机灵的新兵被分队长叫出来，清点远处旷野上采掘队的人数。挖掘队离得很远，那些人看起来只是一些小黑点，但这个新兵毫不犹豫地回答说：“16名士兵、一个军士，长。”
“不错，但你怎么知道那里有一个军。”
“他没有在挖，队。”
12.Connection
When I went to a country inn for lunch, an eager young hostess with a lovely French accent said."This way, monsieur."I'.e spent quite a bit of time in France and always welcome the opportunity to practice the language.
"And what is your connection with France."I asked in French.
Without turning a hair, she replied in perfect English."Oh, my parents spent their honeymoon there."
联系
我去一家乡村酒店吃午饭时，一个操着甜美法国口音的年轻女招待说：“先生，这边。”我已经在法国度过了相当一段时间，总是期待这种难得的锻炼语言的机会。
“你和法国有什么联系。”我用法语问道。
她连头也没回，用完美的英语回答说：“噢，我的父母亲曾在那里度过蜜。”
13.Keep Secret
A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out‐of‐town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar‐and‐grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace."I'.rather not."the clergyman said."I don't want him to know I'.here."
向主保密
一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，他们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。
饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想还是免了。”牧师说，“我不想让主知道我在这。”
14.Make Him a Conductor
My musical director wasn't happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummr to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration."When a musician just can't handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer."A whisper was heard from the percussion section."And if he can't handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
让他当乐队指挥
我们的乐队指挥对一个打击乐手的表现很不满意。尽管再三试着让那个鼓手有所长进却还是失败了。最后，在整个管弦乐队面前，指挥沮丧地说：“如果一个音乐家就是演奏不好他的乐器，那别人就会把乐器拿走，给他两根棍子，让他当一个鼓。”这时，打击乐器那块儿有人咕哝说：“然而如果他连鼓都打不好，那别人就拿走其中一根棍子，让他当乐队指。”
15.You Were the Closest
An accountant answered an ad for a top job with a large firm.At the end of the interview, the chairman said."One last question—what is four times eight."
The accountant thought for a moment and replied."Thirty‐ three."
Outside he checked himself on his calculator and concluded he had lost the job. But two weeks later he was offered the post. He asked the chairman why he had been appointed when he had given the wrong answer.
"You were the closest."the chairman replied.
你是最接近答案的
一名会计去一家大公司应聘一项高级工作。面试快结束时，董事长说：“最后一个问题——4乘以8是多。”
会计想了一会儿，回答说：“3。”
到了外面，他在计算器上演算了一下，最后得出结论他已经失去了这份工作。但两周后，他却得到了这个职位。他问董事长为什么他说错了答案还得到了工作。
“你的答案是最接近。”董事长回答说。
16.Brag
Three famous surgecons were bragging about their skills.
"A man came to me who had his hand cut off."said one."Today that man is a concert violinist."
"That'.nothing."said another."A guy came to me who hadhis legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."
"I can top both of you."said the third."One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse'.posterior and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in the United States Senate."
吹牛
三个著名外科医生在吹嘘他们的技术。
“一个人砍掉了一只手，来到我这。”其中一个说，“如今那个人成了一名小提琴。”
“那没什。”另一个说，“一个失去双腿的家伙来找我，我把他的腿接了上去，现在那个人成了一名马拉松运动。”
“我可能会胜过你们。”第三个医生说，“有一天，我赶到一个严重的车祸现场，那里只剩下了马屁股和一副眼镜，如今那个人坐上了美国参议员的议。”
17.The Oldest Profession
A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.
The surgeon says."Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."
The architect says."Hold on!In fact, God was the first architect, when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than that."
The lawyer puffs his cigar and says."Gentlemen, gentlemen...who do you think created the chaos."
最古老的职业
一名外科医生，一名建筑师以及一名律师正激烈地争论他们谁的职业是最古老的。
外科医生说：“外科手术是最古老的职业。上帝从亚当身上取下肋骨创造了夏娃，你们可找不出比这更久远的事。”
建筑师说：“等一等！事实上，上帝是第一个建筑师，他在七天内从混乱中创造出了世界，你们可找不出比这更久远的事。”
律师吐出一口烟说：“先生们，先生们……你们认为是谁制造了混乱。”
18.A Soldier Asked for Marriage
The soldier asked for a furlough, so he might get married.
"How long have you known the girl."his superior asked.
"A week."
"Why, lad, that'.hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married. I'.l grant you a furlough."
In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise.
"So you still want to get married？My, My ! I didn't expect that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays."
"I know, sir. But it isn't the same girl, sir."
小兵请婚嫁
有个士兵想请假结婚。
“你认识那姑娘多久。”他的长官问他。
“一个礼。”
“天哪，年轻人，那也太短了，我建议你再等两个月，如果到时你还想结婚，我就准你。”
两个月后，那个士兵又来了，提醒他的上级曾答应过自己的事儿。
“所以你还想结婚，对吗？我的天哪，真没想到在这个年代还会有男孩喜欢一个女孩这么。”
“我明白，长官，但不是同一个女。”
19.No Answer
A young man dashed into the electrician'.shop, his face flushed with angry."Didn't I ask you yesterday morning to send a man to repair our doorbell."he roared."and didn't you promise to send him round at once."
"But we did, sir,"broke in the manager."I'.quite sure of it!Hi, Duke."he called to one of his workmen at the back of the office."Didn't you go round to Park Lodge yesterday to do that job."
"Yes,sir,"replied Duke."I went round all right, and I rang the bell for over an ten minutes, but I could get no answer, so I guessed they must all be out."
没回应
一个年轻人冲进电器维修店，脸气得通红。“昨天上午我不是要你派人去修我们的门铃。”他大声吼道，“你不是也答应马上派人去修。”
“我们是派人去了，先。”经理插话说，“我完全能肯定这一。”他向办公室后面的一个工人喊道：“喂，杜克！昨天你不是去洛奇公园给人修门铃了。”
“是的，先。”杜克回答说，“我确实去了那里，而且按了十几分钟门铃，但没有人开门，所以我就想他们一定是外出。”
20.What the Heck Is Wrong with My Wife？
A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition.Her husband waits in the waiting room. After a few mintutes, the doctor comes out and asks his assistant for a wrench, which concerns the husband.
After a couple more minutes, the doctor reenters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer. The husband, in a state of terror, runs up the surgeon and asks."Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife."
"I don't know,"replies the flustered doctor."I can't get my damn cabinet open."
我太太究竟怎么了？
一个病情危急的女人被紧急送到医院。她的丈夫守在等待室里。几分钟后，医生出来让他的助理把扳手拿给他，这让那位丈夫很是担心。
又过了几分钟，这个医生又进等待室要了一把螺丝刀。那位丈夫便更加担忧起来，开始在屋里来回打转。
一会儿后，这个医生冲过几扇门，嚷着要一个锤子。那位丈夫慌乱恐惧起来，跑到那位医生跟前问：“医生，我妻子到底怎么。”
“我不知。”那位慌张的医生回答道，我打不开那该死的柜子了。
21.Weather Predict
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said."Tomorrow will rain." The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said."To-morrow will storm."The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible."said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him."I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow."said the director."and I'.depending on you. What will the weather be like.".
The Indian shrugged his shoulders."Don't know."he said,
"Radio is broken."
天气预报
一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作。一天，一个印第安老人到导演跟前告诉导演说：“明天要下。”第二天果然下雨了。
一周后，印第安人又来告诉导演说：“明天有风。”果然，第二天有风暴。
“这个印第安人真。”导演说。他告诉秘书雇佣这个印第安人来预报天气。
几次预报都很成功，然后，接下来的两周，印第安人不见了。
最后，导演派人去把他叫来了。“我明天必须拍一个很大的场。”导演说，“这得靠你了。明天天气如何。”
印第安人耸了耸肩。“我不知。”印度人说，“收音机坏。”
22.Problem with Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says."Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much.They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact. I'.e farted at least 20 times since I'.e been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says."I see. Here'.a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."
The next week the hay goes back."Doctor,"she says."I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly."
The doctor says."Good! Now that we'.e cleared up your sinuses, let'.start working on your hearing."
气体的问题
一位小老太太去看病，她说：“医生，我有个问题，就是总放屁。不过其实对我也并没有太大的困扰，我放屁不臭也没有声音。实际上，我自从来到您的办公室已经放了二十多个屁。不过你根本不知道我放屁了，因为不臭而且没有声音，对。”
医生说道：“我明白了。这药一天吃三次，服用七天，下星期再来找。”
到了下个星期，这老太太又来了，她说道：“医生，真不知道你到底给我开的什么药，尽管我现在放屁还是没有声音，可是却臭死。”
医生说：“很好，既然你的嗅觉恢复正常了，那么我们开始治疗你的听。”
23.I Present Arms
A new volunteer who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty.One night, he bought a pie from the canteen.
As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in plainclothes.The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major stopped and said,"What'.that you have there."
"Apple pie. Have a bite."said the sentry, good‐naturedly.
The major frowned.
"Do you know who I am."he asked.
"No."said the sentry."unless you'.e major'.groom."
The major shook his head.
"Guess again."
"The barber from the village."
"No."
"Maybe."the sentry laughed."maybe you'.e the major himself."
"That's right. I am the major."
The sentry scrambled to his feet."Good gracious."He exclaimed."Hold the pie, will you, while I present arms."
敬礼
轮到一个对自己职责不甚了解的新志愿兵站岗。一天夜里，他从食堂买了一个馅饼。
当他坐在草地上吃馅饼时，一名身着便服的少校溜达过来。
哨兵不认识他，就没有敬礼。少校停下来说：“你在那里吃什。”
“苹果馅饼。来一。”哨兵和气地说。少校皱了皱眉。
“你知道我是谁。”他问。
“不知。”哨兵说，“莫非你是少校的马。”
少校摇了摇头。
“再猜一。”
“乡村理发。”
“不。”
“大。”哨兵笑道，“大概你是少校本人。”
“不错。我正是少。”
哨兵从地上爬起来，惊叫道：“天啊！帮我拿着馅饼，我要举枪敬。”
24.Whose Dog Was the Smartest
Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest.
The first man, an engineer, called to his dog."T Square, show your stuff."The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out a paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.
The next guy, an accountant, called to his dog."Slide Rule, go ahead."The dog went to the kitchen, nibbled open a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.
The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog."Beaker, to show what you could do."The dog went to the fridge, took out a quart of milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.
The last man was a government worker."Coffee Break."he hollered to his dog."go to it."With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.
谁的狗最聪明
四个朋友在一起讨论谁的狗最聪明。
第一个人是工程师，他喊他的。T形角，把你的本事亮出来看看。然后这只狗跑到桌子旁边，拿出一张纸和一支笔，画了一个完美的三角形。
第二个人是会计，他喊他的狗：“计数尺，上。”然后这只狗走到厨房，轻轻咬开一包饼干，把它们平均分成了四份。
接下来的那个人是化学家，他召唤他的狗：“烧杯，展示一下你的才华。”这只狗走到冰箱，拿出一夸脱牛奶，然后准确地在量杯里倒进了八十盎司。
最后一个人是政府工作人员。“休息时。”他叫他的狗，“去。”这只狗马上跳起来，踏脏了那张纸，吃掉了饼干并喝掉了牛奶。
25.Researching This Insect
A prominent Polish scientist conducted a very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving it a verbal comman."Jump."
In a first stage of experiment he removed flea'.leg, told it to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook."Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."
So,he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, it obeyed, So he wrote again."Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."
There after he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again."Upon removing the next leg all fIea organs function properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion."Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing."
研究昆虫
一位杰出的波兰科学家做了一个非常重要的实验。他训练了一只跳蚤，当给它一个动作指令“。”时它就会跳起来。
在实验的第一阶段，他除去了跳蚤的一条腿，命令它跳，这只跳蚤跳了起来。于是他在他的科学记事本上写道：“在去掉一条腿的基础上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工。”
于是，他去掉了跳蚤的第二条腿，命令这只跳蚤跳，它听从了命令，于是他又写道：“在去掉第二条腿的基础上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工。”
然后，他只留了跳蚤一条腿，当给出指令时跳蚤还是听从了，于是他又写道：“在去掉第三条腿的基础上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工。”
然后他把最后一条腿去掉了，命令跳蚤跳，但毫无反应。他不想冒险，就把这实验重复做了几次，没腿的跳蚤一次都没有跳起来过。于是他得出了结论：“在跳蚤失去最后一条腿后，它丧失了听。”
26.Engineer
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says."Wait a second! You'.e in the wrong place! Beat it."
So, the engineer goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there'.running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer."So how'.it going down there."
Satan replies."Hey, things are going great. We'.e got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there'.no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies."What! You'.e got an engineer？ That'.a mistake—he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away."
Satan says."No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'.keeping him."
God says."Send him back up here or I'.l sue."
"Oh，yeah."the Devil replies."Where are you going to get a lawyer."
工程师
一位工程师死后来到天堂。但是，当圣彼得在门口看到他时说：“等一下！你来错了地方！滚。”
于是，工程师下了地狱，在那儿安顿下来。他很快对周围的环境感到不满，于是开始改善状况。不久以后，这儿有了自来水、抽水马桶、电梯，甚至还装上了空调！工程师成了香馍馍。
一天，上帝打电话给撒旦，嘲讽地说：“你下面情况怎么样。”
撒旦回答：“嗯，不错不错。我们这儿已经有了空调、抽水马桶还有电梯。不知道工程师接下来会给我们制造什。”
上帝叫道：“什么！你们有一个工程师？出错了——他本不应该到那去的。马上把他送回。”
撒旦说：“没门！我喜欢有个工程师子民，我要留他在这。”
上帝说：“把他送回来，否则我便起诉。”
“噢，是。”魔鬼回道，“可你们到哪儿去找一名律师。”
下篇 尴尬问答
1.Two Tickets
"My husband is so ugly that when he goes to the zoo he has to buy the tickets: one to get in and one to get out."
两张票
“我丈夫长得特别丑，每次他去动物园都不得不买两张票：一张是进动物园的，另一张是出动物园。”
2.Still in the Same Cemetery
A man asked an acquaintance how his wife was; then, suddenly remembering that she had died, she blurted out."Still in the same cemetery."
还在原来的墓地
一个人问一个熟人他的妻子过得怎么样；接着，突然想起她已经去世，就脱口问道：“她还在原来那个墓地。”
3.She Is Too Fat
Large lady: I'.very annoyed with that scale.
Friend: Why is that？
Large lady: When I stepped on it, it said."One person at a time, please."
一个顶俩
胖女人：我对那台电子秤很恼火。
朋友：为什么？
胖女人：每次我站上面称体重时，它总是显示“一次请站。”。
4.I'.Not Beating My Wife
"Why do you go on the balcony when I sing？ Don't you like to hear me."
"It isn't that. I want the neighbors to see that I'.not beating my wife."
我没打老婆
“我唱歌时，你为什么到阳台上去？难道你不喜欢听我唱歌。”
“不是这样，我想让邻居们知道我没有在打老。”
5.It'.a Mirror
A middle‐aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big picture of a woman'.image and cried out."Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly."
"Don't be so fussy."said the husband."It'.not a picture, It'.a mirror."
那是镜子
一对中年夫妇来到画廊。妻子是个近视眼，站在一张女人的肖像前，大声喊道：“天啊，天下竟有这样丑的女。”
“别大惊小。”她的丈夫说，“那不是画，是镜。”
6.Of Course
An old woman drove an old car to the crossroad.
A policeman put up his hand and blew his whistle.He came up to her and asked,"Madam, don't you understand the meaning when I put up my hand."
"Yes, of course."answered the old woman."I have been a primary‐school teacher for forty years."
当然明白
一名老太太开着一辆旧车来到十字路口。
警察抬手示意，吹响口哨，来到她面前问：“太太，难道你不明白我扬起手臂是什么意思。”
“我当然明。”老太太回答说，“我都当了四十年小学教师。”
7.The Baldest Man
A colleague told me about the day he went to his highschool reunion."My wife and I walked in the door, and a man I didn't recognize started hugging me, saying how happy he was to see me.When I confessed that I didn't know him.He said,'I don't know you either, but until you came I was the baldest man here!'.
最秃的人
一位同事给我说了他有一天去参加高中同学聚会的事儿：
我和妻子一走进门，一个我不认识的人上来就拥抱我，说他看到我非常高兴。我直言相告说我不认识他，他说：我也不认识你，但在你来之前，我是这里最秃的人！
8.Wish He Were
A big crowd were gathered outside a hotel where a famous millionaire died of a car accident. Among the crowd a young man apparently looked very sad.An old man who felt sympathy and said to the young man."I understand you. I thought he was your relative. Am I right."
"There lies the problem. He was not my relative at all."
但愿他是
一大群人聚集在一家旅馆外面。在那里，一个很有名的百万富翁刚刚因为车祸死了。人群中，一位男青年显得分外伤心。有个富有同情心的老人对他说：“我能理解你的心情，我想他是你的亲戚。”
年轻人说：“问题就在这里——他不是。”
9.The Smell Is Terrible
A man came to the police station and complained."I have three brother—we all lived in one room. One of my brothers has six cats, another has five dogs, and the other has four goats. The smell is terrible.Can you do something about it."
"Well, why don't you open the windows."asked the policeman.
"What？ And lose all my birds."
气味难闻
一位男子来到警察局抱怨道：“我有三个兄弟——我们都住在一间屋子里。其中一个兄弟养了六只猫，另一个喂了五条狗，还有一个养了四只山羊。气味儿难闻极了。您能给解决一下。”
“嗯，你为什么不把窗户打开。”警察问。
“什么？难道您要我把我的鸟都放走。”
10.The Same Father
A young mother enlisted the help of a friend in taking her infant identical twins to the doctor.Since the waiting area was full, the two women, each with a twin, were seated on opposite sides of the room.
After a few minutes someone commented."It'.amazing how much those two babies look alike."
The friend was quick to reply."Well, they should, they have the same father."
同一个爸爸
一位年轻妈妈请一位朋友帮她把双胞胎抱去看医生。候诊区人很多，这两个女人便一人抱一个孩子分坐在候诊室两边。
过了一会儿，有人评论说：“真让人吃惊，这两个孩子长得多。”
这位朋友很快答道：“噢，他们应该像，他们有同一个爸。”
11.Pay Me Double the Tuition Fee
A young man asked Socrates to teach him the technique of lecturing. To show that he was eloquent, the young man talked on and on about all irrelevant matters.
"You should pay me double the tuition fee."said Socrates.
"Why？ Why should I pay double."the young man said in surprise.
"Because,"Socrates said."I must teach you two courses: one is how to close your mouth while the other is how to lecture."
付双倍学费
一个年轻人求苏格拉底教他演讲的技巧。为了显示自己口若悬河，这个年轻人话不切题滔滔不绝。
“你应该付给我双倍学。”苏格拉底说。
“为什么？为什么我应该付双倍学。”年轻人吃惊地问道。
“因。”苏格拉底说，“我要教你两门课程：一门是如何闭嘴，另一门才是如何演。”
12.Churchill and Bernard Shaw
Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World Warll. He was a fat and short man. George Bernard Shaw was a famous writer. He was tall and lean. Both of them were humorists.
When they met at a reception, Churchill said to Shaw with a smile."Mr. Shaw, when people see you, they must think there is a famine in our country."
"Yes."said Bernard Shaw."but they must think you are responsible for it."
丘吉尔和肖伯纳
丘吉尔是二战期间英国的首相，他是个又矮又胖的男人。肖伯纳是著名作家，又高又瘦。他们俩都是幽默诙谐的人。
一次，他们在一个招待会上碰面了。丘吉尔微笑着对肖伯纳说：“肖伯纳先生，人们看到您，一定会认为我们国家正在闹饥。”
“。”肖伯纳回答，“但他们一定认为这是您造成。”
13.Business Just Started
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He built a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor."Can I help you."The man said."Yeah, I'.e come to activate your phone lines."
事业刚起步
一个年轻商人刚刚创办了自己的公司，他建了一个装修特别华丽的办公室，还用古董装饰了一番。正坐着，他看见一个人走进了办公室。为了显示自己的成功，那个商人拿起电话，假装他正在谈一笔大生意。他张口闭口一堆天文数字，并夸下海口做了好多承诺。他终于挂了电话，对来的人说：“您有事。”来的人说：“是的，我是来帮你开通电话。”
14.God's Perfect Masterpiece
A butter‐tonsiled pastor is praising the greatness of the creator in a church. In the end, he asked his followers."Who dares say there is one thing is not the most perfect masterpiece of the creator."
Suddenly, a hunchback believer stood from the corner of the church slowly and asked the pastor."In your opinion, what about my hunchback."
Pastor told him thoughtlessly."It is one of the most perfect hunchbacks I'.e ever seen, no matter in the curve or plastic, all God's perfect masterpiece."
上帝最完美的杰作
一位能言善道的牧师在教堂歌颂造物主的伟大。结束时，他向在场的信徒们发问：“你们有谁敢说天下有哪件事物不是造物主最完美的杰。”
突然，有位驼背的信徒自教堂的一角缓缓站起来向牧师请教：“依您看，我这个驼背算不。”
牧师不假思索地告诉他：“那是我见过的最完美的一个驼背，不论在线条还是造型方面，都堪称是上帝最完美的杰。”
15.Hearing Problem
An elderly retired gentleman had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said."Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said."Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I'.e changed my will three times."
听力问题
一名退休的老绅士长久以来深受听力问题的困扰。
他去看医生，医生给他配了一套助听器，帮助他比以前听得更清楚些。
一个月以后，老先生又去看医生。医生说：“你的听力好多了。你的家人一定很高兴，你又能听见别人说话。”
绅士说道：“不，我还没有告诉我的家人呢。我只是坐在一旁听他们讲话，我已经修改了三次遗嘱。”
16.The King'.Brother
A poor man, presenting himself before the king of spain, asked his charity, telling him that he was his brother. the king desired to know how he claimed kindred to him, the poor fellow replied."We are all descended from one common father and mother viz. Adam and Eve."
Upon which the king gave him a little copper piece of money, the poor man began to bemoan himself, said."Is it possible that your Majesty should give no more than this to your brother."
"Away, away."replies the king."if all the brothers you have in the world give you as much as I have done, you'.l be richer than I am."
国王的兄弟
一个穷人去见西班牙国王，说自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周济。国王想知道他何以攀认亲戚，穷人回答说：“我们有共同的祖先亚当和夏。”
听了这话，国王就给了他一个小铜子。于是穷人开始叫屈，说：“难道国王陛下您就给兄弟这一点点钱。”
“走开，走。”国王回答，“如果世界上你所有的兄弟们都像我这样给你一个铜板，你就比我还有钱。”
17.Choose
"Mr. Richie, you are going to have some injection, and then you'.l feel much better. A nurse will come and give you the first one this evening."said the doctor.
In the evening a young nurse came to Mr. Richie'.bed and said to him."I'.going to give you your first injection now, Mr. Richie. Where do you want it."
The old man was surprised. He looked at the nurse for several seconds, and then said."Nobody'.ever let me choose that before. Are you really going to let me choose now."
"Yes, Mr. Richie."the nurse answered.
"Well, then,"the old man answered with a smile."I want it in your left arm."
选择
“里奇先生，你得打几针，然后就会感觉好多了。今晚护士会过来给你打第一。”医生说。
晚上，一个年轻护士来到里奇先生的床前说：“里奇先生，我现在要给你打第一针，你想要打在什么地。”
这位老人非常惊讶，他看了护士好几秒钟，然后说：“以前从来没人让我选择，你现在真的想让我选择。”
“是的，里奇先。”护士回答说。
“那。”老人微笑着答道，“我想打在你的左臂。”
18.Who Was the First Man
A teacher asked her class."Who was the first man."
"George Washington."a little boy shouted promptly.
"How do you make out that George Washington was the first man."asked the teacher.
"Because."said the little boy."he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his people."
But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.
"Well."said the teacher to him."who do you think was the first man."
"I don't know what his name was,"said the larger boy."but I know it wasn't George Washington, ma'.m, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him."
谁是第一个男人
一名老师问班上的学生：“谁是第一个男。”
“乔治·华盛。”一个小男孩马上大声说道。
“你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男。”老师问道。
“因。”小男孩说，“他在打仗时是第一，和平时是第一，在人民心中也是第。”
但就在这时，一个较大的男孩举起了手。
“那。”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男。”
“我不知道他叫什么名。”较大的男孩说，“不过，老师，我知道他不是乔治·华盛顿。因为历史书上说乔治·华盛顿娶了一名寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男。”
19.Not Having It All Cut Off
Tyler sometimes went to the barber'.during working hours to have his hair cut.But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.
While Tyler was at the barber'.one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Tyler,"the manager said."I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am."admitted Tyler calmly."You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it."said the manager at once."Some of it grows in your time."
"Yes, sir, that'.quite true,"answered Tyler politely."but I'.not having it all cut off."
没把头发全部剪掉
泰勒有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当泰勒理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。
“你好，泰。”经理说，“我看到你在上班时间理发。”
“是的，先。”泰勒平静地承认了，“可是，你知道，头发是在上班时间长。”
“不全都是。”经理立刻说，“有一些是在业余时间里长。”
“对呀，先生，你说得很。”泰勒礼貌地回答说，“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉。”
20.Where Is Your Father
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to investigate.
"Hey, Simon."he called out."Forget your troubles for a spell and come on in and have dinner with us. When I'.l help you get the wagon up."
"That'.mighty nice of you."Simon answered."but I don't think my father would like me to."
"Oh, come on, son."the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay,"the boy finally agreed."But my father won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Simon thanked his host,'I feel a lot better now, but I just know my father is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish."exclaimed the neighbor."By the way, where is he."
"Under the wagon."
你爸在哪里
一个农场的男孩不小心弄翻了他装玉米的马车。住在附近的农民过来帮忙。
“嗨，西。”他高喊，“忘了你的麻烦吧，过来和我们一起吃晚饭，然后我帮你把车扶起。”
“您真是太好。”西蒙回答，“但我想爸爸不愿意让我这么。”
“噢，得了，孩。”农民坚持说。
“嗯，好。”男孩最后同意了，“但是爸爸不喜欢这。”
一顿丰盛的晚餐过后，西蒙感谢了这位主人：“我现在感觉好多了，但是我觉得爸爸肯定很沮。”
“别傻。”邻居说道，“顺便问一句，他在。”
“马车下。”
21.My Wife Doesn't Lay Eggs
Mr. Sean was a chicken farmer. He had hundreds of chickens, and sold the eggs and the meat and got quite a lot of money, but he lived in a very hot part of the country, and he found that his hens laid hardly any eggs in the summer. So he decided to put air‐condition into his chicken‐house so that the hens would lay well all through the year and he could get more eggs and in that way earn more money.
The owner of the company who sold the air‐condition came to see him, and when he saw Mr. Sean'.house, he thought that he might be able to persuade him to buy another air‐condidon for that too.
"Your wife would be much happier and more comfortable then."he said to Mr. Sean. But Mr. Sean was not interested.
"My wife doesn't lay eggs."He said.
我妻子不下蛋
肖恩先生有一个养鸡场，养着数百只鸡，他靠着卖鸡蛋和鸡肉赚了很多钱。可是他的养鸡场位于非常炎热的些区，在夏天，鸡场里的鸡热得几乎不下蛋，所以他决定在鸡场里安装空调，这样他的鸡全年都会下蛋，蛋多了，他就可以赚更多的钱。
卖空调的老板来了，当他看到肖恩先生自己住的房子没有空调，他认为自己应该可以说服肖恩先生再买个空调，装在自己房间里。
“房间装上空调，你妻子会更加高兴和舒。”他对肖恩先生说。但是肖恩先生一点都不感兴趣。
他说：“我妻子不下。”
22.Captain'.Sister
During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Mia was one of them, she worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her."I m going abroad tomorrow, but I'.be very happy if we could write to each other."Mia agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Mia went there and said to the matron."I'.e come to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here."the matron said.
"Oh, that'.all right,"answered Mia."I'.his sister."
"I'.very pleased to meet you,"the matron said."I'.his mother."
上尉的妹妹
第二次世界大战期间，英国许多年轻妇女在军队服兵役。米娅就是其中之一。她在一个很大的军营里工作，理所当然会遇到许多男性军官和士兵。
一天晚上，她在一个舞会上遇到了汉弗雷斯上尉。上尉对她说：“我明天就要去国外了，如果我们能够相互通信，我会很高。”米娅同意了，他们几个月一直保持信件往来。
后来上尉的来信中断了，但是米娅收到了另一个长官的信，说汉弗雷斯受伤了，正在英格兰某家部队医院疗伤。
米娅来到那家医院，对护士长说：“我来探望汉弗雷斯上。”
“这里只允许亲属探望病。”护士长说。
“噢，是这样。”米娅回答说，“我是他的妹。”
“很高兴认识。”护士长说，“我是他的母。”
23.Letter to the Lord
A little boy wanted one hundred dollar for a bicycle very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so impressed, touched and amused that he intrusted his secretary to send the little boy a five‐dollar bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the five‐dollar bill and sat down to write a thank‐you note to the Lord which said:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed for some reason you had to send it through washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted ninety‐five dollars.
Love,Roger
写给上帝的信
一个小男孩儿非常渴望有一百美元来买辆自行车，他祈祷了两个星期但是什么也没有发生。之后他决定写信给上帝要些钱。当邮局收到这封要寄给美国上帝的信，他们决定把这封信交给总统大人。
总统看了这封信很受感动，被这个可爱的小男孩儿逗乐了，他让秘书给小男孩儿寄了一张五美元的钞票。总统认为这对于一个小男孩儿来说已经很多了。
那个小孩儿看见这五美元后很高兴，并且坐下来给上帝写感谢信。
亲爱的上帝：
非常感谢您送我的钱。不过我注意到由于某些原因你不得不通过华盛顿邮局把它送过来，那些愚蠢的家伙肯定又扣除了其余的九十五美元。
罗杰敬上
24.Take Some Sand Paper Instead
As Bill was about to start a job in a shop, the owner thought it necessary to explain to him what he was to do and he was to set about the work.
"Now,"he said."suppose a customer comes in and asks for something we haven't, don't go saying you haven't got it."
"So what must I say."asked Bill.
"Er...well, say you'.e got something else of a very high quality."
Saying this the owner of the shop went upstairs to the office.
Soon, however, he had to rush back as he heard a dreadful noise coming from the shop. As he got down, he saw a high‐ranking officer bawling at Bill and cursing badly.
"What'.happened."asked the owner.
"A fine sort of shop assistant you'.e got here! I asked him for some toilet paper and he answered he hadn't got paper,but suggested I should take some sand paper instead, very good value for my money.
Can you beat that."
用砂纸代替
比尔准备到一家商店上班。店主认为有必要向他说明他要做什么以及他如何去着手工作。
“现。”他说，“假如有一位顾客来买东西，而我们却没有，千万不要说我们没。”
“那我要怎么说。”比尔问。
“噢，就说你还有其他质量上乘的东。”
说完，店主就到楼上自己的办公室去了。
然而，他很快又不得不跑了回来，因为他听到商店里传来一种可怕的声音。他一下楼，便看到一名高级军官在冲着比尔大吼大叫，同时还不干不净地骂着。
“怎么。”店主问。
“你的店员可真有两下子！我想买卫生纸，他说这里没有卫生纸，却建议我买砂纸代替，说这样我会买得物有所值。真不可思。”
25.The Wonder in the Bathtub
A reporter called on a cotton broker one Sunday morning. The man received the reporter in his dressing room, and after their business talk was over the wonders of the house were taken up. The broker boasted about his Raphaels and hardwood floors, his light plant and French furniture, his gold‐plated plumbing and Gobelins, but he boasted above all about his travelling bathtub.
"It'.onyx."he said."a lovely golden shade, it runs by electricity, on tiny pneumatic tires, smooth and silent. Whenever I don't feel disposed to leave this room it comes in here to me, filled, just as I like it, with genuine Atlantic Ocean, brought up from Coney Island and warmed to 80 degrees. It comes in any time I push this button."
"Push it now."said the reporter, curiously.
The button was pushed, the doors slid magically opened, and the great onyx bath glided in stately silence into the room. But in it sat the millionaire'.astonished wife.
浴缸里的精品
一个星期天的早上，一个记者去拜访一位棉花经销商，那位商人在他的穿衣间里接见了他。正事谈完后，他们就说起商人豪宅里的新奇精品。商人吹嘘他拥有的拉斐尔名画，他的硬木地板，他的私人发电设备和法国家具，他的镀金水管和哥白林挂毯，而他吹得最起劲的就是他那个可走动的浴缸了。
“它是缟玛瑙做的，是令人喜爱的金黄。”他说，“装在电动的充气轮胎上，走起来平稳而毫无噪音；我不愿离开这个房间的时候，它就能到这里来将就我。还按照我的意愿灌满了从大西洋科尼岛运来的水，水温加热到华氏八十度。我一按这个键钮，它随时就会。”
“那你现在就按一下看。”记者有点好奇。这商人就按了一下键钮，房门神奇地打开了，那个硕大的缟玛瑙浴缸就雍容地滑进房间。但是浴缸里面却坐着正在沐浴的惊慌失措的富商太太。
