上篇 诡异逻辑
1.Is That You,Tom
"How did you stop your husband staying late at the club."
"When he came in late I called out, ''Is that you, Tom?'and my husband's name is Robert."
是你吗，汤姆
“你是怎么阻止你丈夫在俱乐部待到很晚。”
“当他很晚到家时，我就大声朝外面喊：‘是你吗，汤姆？'.的丈夫名叫罗伯。”
2.An Interesting Man
Big man （in a theatre, to a small boy sitting behind him）: Can you see, sonny？
Boy: No, sir, not at all.
Big man: Then just watch me and laugh when I do.
一位有趣的男人
大个男人（在剧院里对坐在身后的一个小男孩）：“小家伙，你看得见。”
男孩：“看不见，先生，一点儿也看不。”
大个男人：“那你就看着我，我笑的时候跟我一起笑。”
3.Harmful Movie
Theater Manager: Madam, you may not take dog into the thea‐ ter. I'.sorry it is not permitted.
Woman: That'.ridiculous! What harm could the movies do to a little dog like this？
有害的电影
剧院经理：夫人，您不能把狗带进剧院，很抱歉，这是不允许的。
女士：真是荒谬！这些电影对这么小的一只狗有什么害处？
4.A Smart Housewife
A wife told her husband that her new dress didn't cost her anything.
"How'.that."her husband asked.
"Well, it was originally $90, but it reduced to $45, so I bought it with the $45 I saved."
精明的主妇
妻子告诉丈夫说她的新衣服没花一分钱。
“这是怎么回事。”丈夫问她。
“哦，这件衣服原价是九十块钱，但是现在降到了四十五块钱，所以我是用省下的钱买。”
5.I Had to Change It Twice
Judge: I don't understand why you broke into the same store three nights in a row.
Prisoner: Well, Your Honor, I picked out a dress for my wife, and I had to change it twice because she didn't like the style.
不得不换两次
法官：我真不明白你为什么连续三天夜里闯入同一家商店。
犯人：噢，阁下，我为我妻子挑选了一件衣服，因为她总是不喜欢衣服的样式，所以，我才不得不去换了两次。
6.Twenty Pounds
Brian was boasting to a fellow fisherman about a 20‐pound salmon he had caught.
"Twenty pounds."remarked the other guy, with skepticism."Were there any witnesses."
"Of course,"said Brian."otherwise it would have weighed 30 pounds."
二十磅
布赖恩在向一个渔夫吹嘘他捕的一条二十磅的鲑鱼。
“二十。”另一个人带着怀疑的神情问道，“有什么证人。”
“当然有。”布赖恩说，“不然就会有三十磅。”
7.Borrow Money
Hardy: Jerry, would you lend me fifty dollars if I asked you？
Jerry: Yea, I suppose so.
Hardy: All right, then, lend me fifty, but give me twenty‐five of it.
Jerry: Okay. But why？
Hardy: Then you'.l owe me twenty‐five, and I'.l owe you twenty‐five, and we'.l be all square.
借钱
哈蒂：杰瑞，我要是向你借五十美元，你会借给我吗？
杰瑞：会，我想会的。
哈蒂：好，那借给我五十美元，但你只要给我其中的二十五美元就行了。
杰瑞：可以。但为什么？
哈蒂：那样的话，你就欠我二十五美元，我也欠你二十五美元。我们就两清了。
8.Squeeze Twice for No
During a football game I saw one of the players took a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move. We grabbed our first‐aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man'.hand and urged."Son, can you hear me？ Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
听不见捏两下
在橄榄球比赛中，我看到一个球员被撞得很厉害。他倒在地上，一动也不动。我们抓起急救设备，冲进运动场。教练抓住这个年轻人的手催促说：“孩子，你能不能听见我说话？能听见捏一下，听不见捏两。”
9.Card
"Do you have any anniversary‐birthday cards."a man asked the stationer.
"We have anniversary cards and we have birthday cards, but we don't carry one that combines both. Why."
"Simple,"replied the man."my wife is celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of her thirty‐fourth birthday."
卡片
“你们有生日周年纪念卡。”一位男士问文具商。
“我们有周年纪念卡，也有生日贺卡，但没有两者合一的贺卡。您为什么找这。”
“是这样。”这位男士回答说，“我的妻子要庆祝她三十四岁生日的十五周年纪念。”
10.Never Mind
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car."They'.e stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, even the brake pedal." he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time."Never mind,"the drunk said with a hiccup."I got in the back seat by mistake."
不必担心
一个醉汉打电话给警察局，声称小偷光顾了他的车。“他们偷走了仪表盘、右向盘，甚至连刹车脚板都偷走。”他大声嚷嚷着。
然而在警察还没有开始调查时，电话又一次响了起来。“没事。”醉汉打着嗝说，“我不小心坐到了后座。”
11.Still Too Dear
An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into shop and asked the shopman."How much is this stuff."
"Seven dollars, madam, it is very cheap."
"It is too much, give it to me for thirteen."The lady said.
"I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."
"It is still too much,"replied the old lady."give it some for five."
还是太贵
有位耳聋还总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。她问店员：“这东西要多少。”
“七美元，太太，这是很便宜。”
老太太说：“太贵了，十三美元差不。”
店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美。”
“还是太。”老太太说，“五美元，我就买。”
12.Paint House
After two‐week vacation, a man returned to his office and one of his fellow workers asked him what kind of time he'.had."I spent the whole two weeks helping my wife paint the rooms in our house."he groaned.
"Does she do that often."
"Well,"came the reply."when we moved in a few years ago, the guest room was nine by twelve. Now it'.eight by eleven."
刷房子
一位男士休假两周后回到办公室，他的一名同事问他过得怎样。“我两周全都用来帮我老婆给我们家房间刷漆。”他诉苦说。
“她经常干那活儿。”
“。”那个人答道，“我们几年前搬进来时，客房长十二英尺、宽九英尺，现在长十一英尺、宽八英。”
13.A Reason to Live for
An elderly Morm on visits his doctor and asks if he'.l live to be a hundred.
"Do you smoke or drink."asks the doctor.
"Those things have never and will never touch my lips."says the man.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women."
"Nope, don't believe in doing any of chat, either."
"Well then."says the doctor."why the hell do you want to live to be a hundred."
活着的理由
一个年迈的摩门教徒去看医生，并且问道自己是否能够活到一百岁。
“你吸烟喝酒。”医生问道。
“我从来不沾这些东。”老人说道。
“那你赌博、飙车或是和女人鬼混。”
“不，我从不做那些事。”
“既然如。”医生说道，“那你何必要活到一百。”
14.Tony and Kyle
Tony and Kyle went off on their bikes for a picnic in the woods.They had one bottle of lemonade between them. Kyle went to explore while Tony unpacked the food. When he returned, he found the bottle was empty.
"Hey."he exclaimed crossly."Half of that was mine."
"I know,"said Tony."but I was thirsty, and as my half was at the bottom of the bottle I had to drink through yours to get to it."
托尼和凯尔
托尼和凯尔骑自行车去森林里野餐。他们带了一瓶柠檬水。在托尼准备食物的时候，凯尔去探路。等到他回来后，发现瓶子空了。
“。”他生气地嚷道，“这水有一半是我。”
“我知。”托尼说，“但是我非常渴，我的那一半在下面，所以我只好先把你的那半喝了才能喝到我的那一半。”
15.A Man with Two Badly Burned Ears
A man with two badly burned ears went to see his doctor.
"What happened."asked the doctor.
"Well,"began the man."my wife was ironing while I was watching the ball game on TV. She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the telephone rang, I answered the iron."The doctor nodded."But what happened to the other ear."
"No sooner had I hung up,"said the man."then the same guy called up again."
一个两只耳朵严重烧伤的男人
一名两只耳朵严重烧伤的男人来看医生。
“发生了什么事。”医生问道。
“。”这个男的开始说道，“我在看电视球赛的时候我妻子正在熨衣服。电话响起来的时候她把电熨斗放在电话边，于是我把熨斗当我电话。”医生点头。“那你另一只耳朵是怎么回事。”
“我刚挂了电话不。”这个男人说，“同一个家伙又打来。”
16.Glad to Be Drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said."I'.e got to take you in, pal. You'.e obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked."Officer, are you absolutely sure I'.drunk."
"Yeah, buddy, I'.sure."said the cop."Let'.go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said."Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
很高兴喝醉了
一个烂醉如泥的男人一只脚踩在人行道上，另一只脚踩在水沟里。在街上深一脚浅一脚地走着。一名警察叫住他，说：“我要把你收监起来，老兄。很明显你醉得不。”
我们这位朋友问：“长官，你真的确定我醉。”
“是的，老兄，我确。”警察说，“我们走。”
醉鬼松了一口气，说：“谢天谢地，我还以为我瘸了。”
17.Is the General Expecting You
Gen.George Armstrong Custer is buried on the grounds of the United States Military Academy at West Point. Since I was driving through the area, I decided to pay my respects. At the gate, the distracted young MP put down her book, checked my ID and asked the purpose of my visit. I explained that I was there to visit General Custer. As she picked up her book, she asked."And is the general expecting you."
将军在等你吗
乔治·阿姆斯特朗·卡斯特将军被葬在美国西点军校的院子里。我正开车经过这个地区，于是就决定去瞻仰一下。在西点军校门口，一个心不在焉的军警放下手中的书，检查了我的身份证，问我来此的目的。我解释说，我是去拜访卡斯特将军的。她一边拿起书一边问道：“将军在等你。”
18.What To Do
A guy comes to his family doctor and asks."Doctor, I'.about to get married and we'.e both virgins, so could you give me some pointers on what to do."
Seeing that he knew the young lad from birth, and being a bit embarrassed by the question, the doctor looks around and says."Look, son, see these two dogs on the front yard？ See what they are doing？ Go home and do the same thing."
Two months later they are talking again."How'.sex."asks the doctor."Great, but it'.kind a cold on our front yard."
怎么做
有位男子去找他的家庭医师，他问：“医生，我要结婚了，但我们两个都是第一次，你可以告诉我们该怎么做。”
医生是看着男子长大的，听到这个问题有点儿不自在地看了周围一下然后说：“看那边，看到院子里的两只狗吗？看到它们在做什么吗？回家照着做就没错。”
两个月后，他们又见面时，医生问：“性生活如。”男子回答说：“很好啊，只是在院子里做真的有点。”
19.Race
A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race; the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately reconstructed its team.Now they had one senior manager, six management consultants and one rower.
In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles. So the American company fired the rower.
比赛
一家日本公司和一家美国公司进行划船比赛；日本公司领先一英里获胜。
美国公司雇了一些赛场分析员。那些分析员报告说，日本公司有一名管理人员和七名划船手，而美国公司则有七名管理人员，只有一名划船手。美国公司马上进行了重新编组。这次，他们有一名高级管理人员、六名管理顾问和一名划船手。
在第二场比赛中，日本人以两英里的优势大获全胜。于是，美国公司解雇了划船手。
20.Keep the Change
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospecitive customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 25 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for 10 or 15 cents each.
I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents.Triumphantly, he paid with a $10 bill."Keep the change."he said.
不用找零钱
在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争执。
他对《奥金·纳什袖珍集》颇感兴趣，但是说它二十五美分的开价过高，其他的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。
我向他指出这本书保存状况很好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，卖这个价钱是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最后，我答应十五美分卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付账。“零钱不用找。”他说。
21.Rain
A group of Texas farmers asked President Carter for emergency funds because of a bad drought. President Carter had to refuse. But he decided to fly to Texas to explain why.
On the day he arrived in Texas, it was raining very hard."You asked me for money,"he said in his speech to the farmers."I could not get you the money. So instead I brought you some rain."
雨
因为严重干旱，所以一群得克萨斯州农民向卡特总统要应急基金。卡特总统不得不拒绝，但他决定乘飞机前往得克萨斯州解释原因。
他到达得克萨斯州那天，雨下得很大。“你们向我要。”他对那些农民讲道，“我没能给你们带来钱，但我给你们带来了一些。”
22.We Didn't Step on It
One day three brothers were walking around the park when they came across something in the middle of their path."It looks like shit."said the first brother."I'.better check it out."He leaned forward and took a deep breath."Smells like shit."he said.
The second brother walked closer and stuck his finger inside it and felt."Feels like shit."he said.
The third brother poked it and put it inside his mouth and said."Tastes like shit."The three brothers finally relaxed and said."Good thing we didn't step on it phew."
还好没踩到
一天，三兄弟在公园里散步时，看到路中央有什么东西。“看起来像是大。”大哥说道，“我最好查看一。”他弯下腰去闻了闻，说道：“闻着也像大。”
二哥走上前去，把手指伸进去感受了一下说道：“摸着也像大。”
三弟把手插进去然后放到嘴里说道：“尝起来也像大。”三兄弟终于松了口气说道：“还好我们没有踩到。”
23.An Ad
After a beautiful purebred puppy wandered onto our back porch and made himself at home, my husband composed an ad for th."Lost and Foun."column of the local newspaper.
It read."A puppy, male, approximately nine months old, no collar, very friendly, found on Rockbridge Road."
I feared all the detail might encourage an unscrupulous person to claim the dog. As I methodically explained why each clue revealed too much. My husband dutifully crossed out the words. Finally, in frustration, he rewrote the ad, reducing it to a single sentence that I couldn't refute.
It read."Guess what I found."
一则广告
一只漂亮的纯种狗来到我们的后门廊并以此为家了。我丈夫在当地的“失物。”栏目登了一则广告，是这样写的：“小狗，雄性，年龄近九个月，无项圈，很友善，发现于石桥。”
我担心这样的细节会给那些昧着良心要狗的人以可乘之机。我有条不紊地解释为什么每个线索都透露得太多后，他就尽职地划去一些词。终于，他非常沮丧地重新写了一则广告，把它缩为一个我无法反驳的句子。
是这样写的：“猜猜我捡到了什。”
24.Who Dares Move Me
A person has a bad toothache but he feared the pain of pulling out the tooth. So he has been afraid to go to the dentist. But this time it was really unbearable. Then he summoned up courage to go to see a dentist.
But when he saw the pliers stretching into his mouth, he was too fearful to let the physicians continue! So the dentist asked the assistant to get him a whiskey.
Then asked him."Now has the courage."
He is honest to answer."No."
Then give him the second cup...the third cup."Wait."
The dentist asked him."What is the matter now."
The patient shouted."I want to see who dares to touch my teeth."
谁敢动我
有个人牙疼但他又怕拔牙会更痛，所以一直不敢去看牙医。但是这次他实在是受不了了，于是就鼓起勇气去看牙医。
但当他看到钳子要伸入他口中时，却又怕得不敢让医生动手。于是医生要旁边的助手去给他拿一杯威士忌酒。
然后问他：“现在有勇气了。”
他老实回答说：“没。”
于是再给他第二杯……第三杯……“等。”
牙医问他：“又怎么。”
病人咆哮道：“我想看看谁敢来动我的牙。”
25.Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery deep in the woods，the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas. By one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said."I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast."Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said."I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them."Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Luke rose and said."I am fed up with this constant bickering."
沉默誓言
在树林深处的一家僻静的修道院里，修道士们都遵守着一条严格的沉默誓言。这誓言一年中只能在圣诞节那天被一个修道士打破，而且这名修道士只能说一句话。
某个圣诞节轮到托马斯教友讲话，他说：“我喜欢那道每年配着圣诞节烤肉吃的土豆。”然后他坐下。接下来是三百六十五天的沉默。
第二个圣诞节到了，轮到迈克尔教友了，他说：“我觉得那土豆泥非常粗糙，我真的讨厌它。”接下来又是三百六十五天的沉默。
接下来的圣诞节上，卢克教友站起来说：“我真的厌烦了这种持续不断的争。”
26.How Will I Find My Ring There
Mason had a shed behind his house. It had no lights in it. One night he went out to the shed to get his ladder, and lost his ring there. He left the ladder, went out into the street and began to look around.
One of his friends saw him in the street outside his house, and said to him."Hello, Mason. What are you looking for."
"My ring."answered Mason."It fell off my finger. It is a silver ring with a red stone in it."
"Oh, yes."said his friend."I remember it. I will help you to look for it. Where did you lose it."
"In my shed."
"But why don't you look for it there."
"Don't be stupid! It is quite dark in my shed. So how will I find my ring there？ Here there is light from the lamps in the street."
在那儿怎么找得到我的戒指
梅森家房子后面有一间棚屋，屋里没有电灯。一天晚上，他去棚屋拿梯子，把戒指弄丢在里面了。
他扔下梯子，跑到大街上到处寻找起来。
他的一个朋友看见他在屋外的大街上，就对他说：“喂，梅森，你在找什么。”
“我的戒。”梅森答道，“它从我手指上掉下来了。是枚银戒指，还镶了一颗红宝。”
“哦，知道。”他的朋友说，“我记得它，我来帮你找吧。你是在哪儿弄丢。”
“在我的棚屋。”
“那你为什么不去那里。”
“别傻了！棚屋里那么黑，在那儿怎么找得到我的戒指？这街上有路灯照着。”
27.The Drunk
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender."Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man'.order and says."That will be$42. 50, please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar, including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk'.instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So, the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says."What, no drink for me."
"Oh, no! You get violent when you drink."
醉鬼
一个醉鬼走进一家酒吧，对酒吧侍者说：“我请所有人喝酒，也包括。”
侍者遵照了醉鬼的指示，对他说：“一共42.50美。”
醉鬼说他没钱，于是侍者揍了他一顿把他扔了出去。
第二天晚上，这个醉鬼又来了，又请酒吧里的所有人喝酒，也包括那名侍者。同样，侍者按照醉鬼说的做了，醉鬼说他没钱，于是，侍者又揍了他一顿把他扔了出去。
第三天晚上，他又来了，醉鬼给酒吧里所有人点了酒，除了那名侍者。
侍者说：“怎么？不请我喝。”
“噢，不！你一喝酒就有暴力倾。”
28.I Don't Want It Either
One day Mrs. Mark went shopping. When her husband came home in the evening, she began to tell him about a beautiful cotton dress."I saw it in a shop this morning."she said."and."
"And you want to buy it."said her husband."How much does it cost."
"Fifteen pounds."
"Fifteen pounds for a cotton dress？ That is too much."
But every evening, when Mr. Mark came back from work, his wife continuted to speak only about the dress, and at last, after a week, he said."Oh, buy the dress！Here is the money."She was very happy.
But the next evening, when Mr. Mark came home and asked."Have you got the famous dress？She said."No."
"Why not."he said.
"Well, it was still in the window of the shop after a week so I thought that nobady else wants this dress, so I don't want it either."
我也不想要了
一天，马克太太去买东西。晚上她丈夫一回到家，马克太太就对他讲起一条漂亮的棉布连衣裙。“我早上在一家商店看到。”她说，“于是。”
“于是你就想买下。”她丈夫接着说道，“这裙子多少。”
“十五英。”
“一条棉布裙子就要十五英镑？太贵了。”
每天晚上马克先生下班回到家，他妻子都在不停地唠叨那条连衣裙，一周后，马克先生终于说：“哎，把它买下来吧！给你。”马克太太高兴极了。
但是，第二天晚上马克先生回到家后问：“你把那条完美的连衣裙买回来。”她却回答说：“没。”
“为什么没。”他问。
“哦，它在那家商店的橱窗里都摆了一星期了，所以我就想，别人都不想要这件连衣裙，那我也不想要。”
29.The Hard Five Minutes
One morning Mrs. Jerome said to her husband."there'.a meeting for our ladies'.lub at Mrs. Young'.house at lunch time today, and I want to go to it. I'.l leave you some food for your lunch. Is that all right."
"Oh, yes,"her husband answered."that'.quite all right. What are you going to leave for my lunch."
"This tin of fish,"Mrs. Jerome said."and there are some cold, boiled potatoes and some beans here, too."
"Good."Mr. Jerome answered."I'.l have a good lunch."
So Mrs. Jerome went to her meeting. The ladies had lunch at Mrs. Young'.house, and at three o'.lock Mrs. Jerome came home.
"Was your fish nice."she asked.
"Yes, but my feet are hurting."he answered.
"Why are they hurting."Mrs. Jerome asked.
"Well, the words on the tin were:'Open tin and stand in hot water for five minutes.'.
难忍的五分钟
杰罗姆太太对丈夫说：“今天午餐时间我们妇女俱乐部要在杨太太家开会，我想参加。我给你留些吃的作为午餐。行不。”
“噢，。”她丈夫回答，“当然行啦。那我中午吃什。”
“这个鱼罐。”杰罗姆太太说，“还有些凉了的熟土豆和扁。”
“。”杰罗姆先生回答道，“那中午我就可以美餐一顿。”
于是杰罗姆太太就去参加会议了。所有的女士都在杨太太家享用了午餐，三点钟杰罗姆太太回到家。
“你那鱼味道怎么。”她问道。
“好吃啊，不过我的脚疼着。”他回答。
“脚怎么会。”杰罗姆太太问。
“是这样的，罐头上写着：打开罐头，在开水里站（放置）五分钟。
30.The Pope Himself Drives
The Pope arrived at JFK and he was met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip‐on tie, holding a hand‐lettered sign that said."Pope."
After getting all the Pope'.luggage loaded in the limo—his holiness didn't travel light—the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Hey, Mr. Pope."said the driver in accented English."why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo."
"Well, to tell you the truth."said the Pope."they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'.really like to drive."
"That is very much against the rules."protested the driver, wishing he'.never left Calcutta.
"There might be something extra in it for you."said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 110 mph.
"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope."pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.
"Oh, my god, now I am surely losing my license."moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the windon as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio."I need to talk the Chief."he said to the dispatch.
When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'.stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him."said the Chief.
"I think the guy'.a big shot."said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot."said the cop.
"What'.you got there, the Mayor."
"Bigger."
"The Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well,"said the Chief."who is it."
"I don't know." said the cop."but he'.got the Pope driving for him."
教皇本人亲自开车
罗马教皇来到美国国际机场。一个穿着劣质西服、戴着领带的司机举着手写的“。”的牌子，在领取行李的地方等着接机。
把教皇的行李——教皇的行李非常多——都装进高级轿车后，司机看见教皇还站在路边，没有离开的意思。
“嘿，教皇先。”司机用带着浓重口音的英语说，“你怎么不上车。”
“好吧，实话跟你。”教皇说，“我非常喜欢开车，可在梵蒂冈，他们从不让我开。”
“那是违反规章制度。”司机很不乐意，后悔当初不该离开加尔各答。
“我会给你一份额外的报。”教皇说。
司机极不情愿地坐到后座的位置，教皇坐在了驾驶的位置。离开机场后，教皇已经提速到每小时105英里，这时候司机开始后悔了。
“别开这么快啊，教皇先。”司机很担心，央求道。可教皇还是继续踩油门，这时他们听到了警笛声。
“哦，天啊，我一定会被吊销驾照。”司机绝望地呻吟着。
当警察追过来时，教皇靠边停下来，摇下了车窗。警察看了他一眼，回到自己的摩托车旁，拿起对讲机。
“我要接通局。”警察说道。
接通后，警察报告说，他刚截获了一辆时速为110英里的高级轿车。
“那把他铐起。”局长说。
“我觉得他是个大人。”警察说。
“那理由就更充分。”
“不是，我说他真是个很大的人。”警察说。
“你到底逮到谁了啊？市。”
“更。”
“州。”
“更。”
“好。”局长说道，“到底谁。”
“我不知。”警察说，“但是教皇为他开。”
31.City Fellow
The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting, as he had never been hunting before. The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did exactly what he was told to do.
The two men got their gear together and went into the woods. The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail, and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek, and he would be able to get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot, and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.
But a few hours later, the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail."Well, what'.wrong with you."he asked the city fellow."Why didn't you stay where I told you to."
The city fellow, still very excited, replied."Well, when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log, I didn't move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log, I didn't move. But when the two squirrels came up, climbed onto my lap and then one said to the other, 'Shall we take them with us or eat them here'.well I just couldn't stand it any more."
城里人
一个城里人请求他的朋友，一个农村男孩，带他去猎鹿，因为他从来没有打过猎。农村男孩答应了他，条件是城里人必须按照他的要求去做。
两人带着猎枪进了树林。农村男孩叫城里人坐在一根躺在鹿蹄印边的圆木上，并告诉他如果他静悄悄地耐心等待，当鹿在去小溪的路上经过他身边时，他就可以开枪了。农村男孩说他自己要沿着蹄印向前走一英里左右到另一个射击点，一会儿再回来。
可是过了一段时间，城里人大叫大嚷地沿着蹄印跑来！“怎么。”农村男孩问城里人，“你怎么不待在我叫你待的地。”
城里人仍然很激动，他回答说：“当野猫跑过来把它的爪子扒在那圆木上时我没有动；当熊过来坐在圆木的另一端时我也没动；可是当两只松鼠过来爬在我的大腿上，其中一只对另一只说：‘我们是把它们拿回去呢还是在这儿吃'.我实在不能再忍受。”
32.A Cheapskate
Edward and his wife lived in the country. Edward was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.
"Let'.go to the fair, Edward."his wife said."We haven't been anywhere for a long time."
Edward thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said."All right, but I'.not going to spend much money. We'.l look at things, but we won't buy anything."
They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy.
There were many things Edward's wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money.
Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small airplane.
"Fun flights."the notice said,"$10 for 10 minutes."
Edward had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn't want to have to pay for his wife, as well.
"I'.e only got $10"he told the pilot."Can my wife come with me for free."
The pilot wasn't selling many tickets, so he said."I'.l make a bargain with you. If your wife doesn't scream or shout, she can have a free flight."
Edward agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.
The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things. At one moment it was flying upside down.
When the plane landed, the pilot said."OK. Your wife didn't make a sound. She can have her ride free."
"Thank you."Edward said."It wasn't easy for her, you know, especially when she fell out."
小气鬼
爱德华和妻子住在乡下。爱德华很抠门，不愿花钱。一天，附近的镇子逢集。
“我们去赶集吧，爱德。”妻子说，“我们好长时间哪里也没去过。”
爱德华想了一会儿，他知道在集市上一定得花钱。最后，他说：“好吧，但我不打算花太多钱，我们只看不。”
他们去集市，看看所有可买的东西。有很多东西爱德华的妻子都想买，但爱德华就是不让她买。
后来，在附近的露天场地，他们看到一架小飞机。
“有趣飞。”海报上写着，“10分钟10美。”
爱德华从来没坐过飞机，所以他想乘一次小飞机。然而，他不想付妻子的票钱。
“我只带了10美。”他对飞行员说，“我妻子能免费和我一起乘飞机。”
飞行员没卖出多少票，所以他说：“我和你做个交易，如果你的妻子不尖叫或呼喊，她就能免费飞。”
爱德华表示同意，就和妻子一起坐进了飞机。
飞机起飞了，飞行员让飞机做出各种各样的动作。有一会儿飞机倒栽葱飞行。
飞机着陆时，飞行员说：“行，你的妻子一声不响，就不用买票。”
“谢。”爱德华说，“你知道，这对她并不容易，尤其是她刚才掉下去的时。”
下篇 各有所思
1.Who Do You Think You Are
The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn't let him aboard.
"It is too crowded."they shouted."Who do you think you are."
"I am the driver."he said.
你以为你是谁
公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。
“车上太挤。”他们喊道，“你以为你是。”
“我是司。”他说。
2.Walks Normally
A rancher asked a vet for some advice.
"I have a horse,"he said."that walks normally sometimes and limps sometimes. What shall I do."
The vet replied,"The next time he walks normally sell him."
走得正常
一个牧场主向一名兽医征求建议。
“我有一匹。”他说，“它有时走得正常，有时一瘸一拐。我该怎么。”
兽医回答说：“下次它走得正常时，把它卖。”
3.Things Go Athwart
A film studio painted a sign on the roof in letters eight feet high, reading QUIET PLEASE.
Instead of keeping noisy airplanes away, the sign brought planes roaring down even lower so pilots could read what it wrote.
事与愿违
一家电影公司在房顶上刷了一个8英尺高的字母指示牌，上面写着“请。”。
然而，这标志不但没有让嘈杂的飞机远离，反而让飞机飞得更低，这样飞行员才能看清上面写的字。
4.I Must Be God
With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks."Wow, this guy must be God."
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks."Wow, I must be God."
我一定是上帝
对狗来说，你喂它，付出很多感情，带它散步，它会这样想：“哇，这人一定是上。”
然而，对猫来说，你喂它，爱它，关心它，它会想：“哇，我一定是上。”
5.That'.No Good to Me
A doctor advised a very fat man to take up golf for exercise."That'.no good to me."said the patient."I'.e tried it before. If I put the ball where I can hit it I can't see it, and if I put it where I can see it I can't hit it!’
对我没用
一名医生劝告一个非常胖的男人打高尔夫球进行锻炼。
“那对我没。”病人说，“我以前曾试过。如果把球放在我能击到的位置，我就看不见它；如果把球放在我能看到的位置，我就击不到。”
6.Found Two
Two police officers found three hand grenades in the street and decided to take them to the police station.
"What if one of them exploded."asked the younger officer.
"It doesn't matter."reassured the other."We'.l say we only found two."
发现两颗
两个警官在大街上发现三颗手榴弹，决定将它们带回警察局。
“要是其中一颗爆炸，怎么。”年轻警官问道。
“没关。”另一名警官安慰说，“我们就说只发现两。”
7.I'.Going to Sell the Car
An over‐speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car."I'.going to give you a ticket for speeding."said the policeman, writing his note."You'.e been driving over 60 miles per hour."
"Would you mind making it 100, officer."was the reply."You see. I'.going to sell the car."
打算卖这辆车
一名超速行驶的司机被巡逻警车拦住后，警察一边记录，一边说：“我要给你开一张超速罚单，你刚才的时速已经超过了六十英。”
“警官，请你把时速写为一百英里好吗？我打算卖了这辆。”司机回答说。
8.Without a Stove
When my daughter Chloe attended the university, she missed the dishes native to our home. One night she phoned and asked me to send her the ingredients for it.
"I'.be happy to send the makings."I said."But how will you prepare them without a stove."
"No problem, mom."she said."I'.l use my iron."
没有火炉
我的女儿克洛伊去上大学时，非常想吃我们家乡风味的菜。
有一天夜里，她打电话要我把那些配料寄给她。
“我很高兴寄给你那些配。”我说，“可没有火炉，你怎么做。”
“没问题，妈。”她说，“我用熨。”
9.Like My Father
The school of agriculture'.dean of admissions was inter‐viewing a prospective student."Why have you chosen this career."he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father."the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming."echoed the dean.
"No,"replied the applicant."but he always dreamed of it."
像父亲一样
农校招生办主任在面试一个有意求学的学生。“你为什么要选择这个职。”他问。
“我梦想经营农场来赚100万美元，就像我父亲一。”这个学生回答说。
“你父亲经营农场赚了100万美。”主任反问道。
“没。”申请人答道，“但这一直是他的梦。”
10.Upset Is Unhealthy
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist."You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly,"
On her next visit, the psychiatrist asked."Have the tranquilizers calmed you down."
"Yes."The boy'.mother answered.
"And how is your son now."The psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares."The mother replied.
心烦即病
心理医生给一个问题儿童的母亲提建议：“你对你儿子太过担忧和不安了，我建议你定期吃镇静。”
她再次来访的时候，医生问：“这些镇静剂有让你平静下来。”
“是。”孩子的母亲回答。
“那么你儿子现在怎么样。”医生问道。
“谁在。”母亲回答。
11.Looking for My Car Keys
On his first visit to a produce market, an inexperienced shopper saw a man at the watercress stall systematically picking up each troy carton of cress, peering closely at it. Turning it upside down and finally shaking it.
Eager to learn something, the new shopper asked if the man would mind divulging the secret of his odd behavior.
"Not at all,"the man replied."I'.looking for my car keys."
找车钥匙
一个没有经验的顾客第一次去农产品市场时，看见一个人在卖水田芥的摊子前有条不紊地把水田芥一盒盒拿起来细细端详，还把它倒过来看，最后还抖了抖。
这个新来的购物者很想学点窍门，便问那人是否愿意透露一下他那反常行为的秘密。
“什么秘密也没。”那人回答说，“我是在寻找我的汽车钥。”
12.The Perplexed Clerk
Heavily laden with groceries, my wife asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list. A moment later the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my wife."Lady,"he said firmly."I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really got to draw the line at driving you home."
困惑的店员
我妻子拎了一大堆杂货，于是就让杂货店的一个年轻店员帮她把东西送到车上。到了车边，她打开车门，想都没想就坐在后座上清点她的购物清单。过了一会儿，那个困惑的员工从车后绕过来，走到我妻子旁边，用强硬的语气说：“太太，我很乐意帮您把东西装上车，但我实在是不能开车送您回。”
13.I'.Not Married
A soldier went to his colonel and asked for leave to go home to help his wife with the housecleaning.
"I don't like to refuse you,"said the colonel."but I'.e just received a letter from your wife saying that you are no use around the house."
The soldier saluted and turned to go. At the door he stopped.
"Colonel, there are two persons in this regiment who handle the truth loosely, and I'.one of them. I'.not married."
我还没结婚
一名士兵到上校那里，要求请假回家帮助妻子清扫房屋。
“我不想回绝。”上校说，“但我才收到你妻子的一封来信，说你在家也没。”
士兵敬礼转身欲走。到门口时，他停了下来说：“上校，团里说话不靠谱的有两个人，我就是其中一个，我还没结。”
14.I Had to Kiss Him
During the doctor'.periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in return.
When he left, my mother shook her head."Can you imagine."
she said."Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too."
我还得吻他
医生定期来看我的老母亲。我告诉他说，母亲过几天就要庆祝九十八岁生日了。医生听了很高兴，就弯下腰吻了她一下，然后说过几天他也要庆祝自己的生日，并要求她还他一个吻。
医生走后，母亲摇摇头说：“你能想象吗？付了七十块钱，我还得吻。”
15.Someone'.Deodorant Isn't Working？
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditoning system.
There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said."Oh, man! Someone'.deodorant isn't working."
An overweight man in the corner replied."It can't be me, I'.not wearing any."
谁的除臭剂不管用了？
那天空调坏了，办公室里特别热。
大约有二十个人挤在一起，即使是开着电扇，大家也都是热得汗流不止。突然，空气中有一股气味弥漫开来，大家都皱起了鼻子。那气味真是太难闻了。
一个人从他的隔间探出头说道：“哎呀，是不是谁的除臭剂不管用。”
一个坐在角落里的胖男人说：“肯定不是我的，我今天根本就没。”
16.Stupid Question
Joe was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him."What'.the time, please."
After a few months, Joe said to himself."I'.not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'.going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here."Then he did so.
"Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time."he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Joe."Is that clock right."
笨问题
乔在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当门卫。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而且许多人都会停下来问他：“请问现在几点。”
几个月后，乔想：“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大钟，把它挂在这儿的墙。”然后他就这样做了。
“现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间。”他高兴地想。可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问乔：“这钟准。”
17.Poisonous or Not
I'.a medical student currently doing a research in toxicology at the Poison Control Center. Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful, and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
中毒没有
我是一个医科学生，最近正在毒物控制中心作研究。今天，一个女人打来电话，十分沮丧，因为她发现她的小女儿在吃蚂蚁。我马上让她放心，告诉她说蚂蚁是无毒的，没必要把她女儿带到医院来。
她冷静下来，谈到最后却碰巧提到她给她女儿吃了些毒死蚂蚁的药。我告诉她说，最好立刻带她女儿去急诊室。
18.Legal Consultation Service
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
The butcher called up his neighbor and said."Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat."
The lawyer replied."Of course, how much was the roast."
“$7.9。”said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.Attached to it was an invoice that read."Legal Consultation Service: $10".
法律咨询费
一条狗跑进一家肉店，从柜台上衔起一块肉就跑。肉店老板认出那是邻居的一只狗，邻居碰巧是一名律师。
肉店老板向邻居打去电话说：“嘿，如果你的狗从我的肉店里偷了一大块烤肉，你愿意赔我的肉钱。”
律师回答说：“当然可以，烤肉多少。”
“7.98。”肉店老板说。
几天后，肉店老板收到了一张7.98元的支票，和那张支票寄
来的还有一张发票，上面写道：法律咨询费：100。
19.The Discovery
Visiting the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, D. C. I was admiring a beautiful tribal elder headdress decorated with eagle feathers. A man came up to me and identified himseif as Native American."Do you know how warriors got those."the man asked, pointing to the feathers."They covered a hole with brush, tied a live rabbit on top of it and hid underneath. When an eagle swooped down for the kill, they would grab its wing or tail."Fascinating."I said."Did you see it yourself.""Actually, no,"the man confessed."I saw it on the Discovery Channel."
探索发现
在华盛顿参观美国印第安人国家博物馆的时候，我很欣赏一件漂亮的部落长老头饰，是用老鹰羽毛装饰的。一个男人朝我走来，说自己是美国的原住民。“你知道那些勇士是怎么拿到这些的。”那个人指着羽毛问我，然后说，“他们用灌木丛挡住洞口，把一只活兔子拴在上面，而自己躲在洞里。老鹰俯冲下来捕捉猎物的时候，他们就会抓住老鹰的翅膀或者尾。”“真带。”我说，“你亲眼看见。”那个人承认说：“其实不是，我是在‘探索发现'.道上看到。”
20.The Generous Bosses
On a visit to the United States, a tourist met a man who had immigrated to this country.
"What do you do for a living here."the tourist asked him.
"My brother, my sister and I work in a big factory."
"How do these bosses treat you.""Just fine."answered the man."In fact, if you are walking home from work, the boss picks you up in his big car and drives you to your door. Another time, he treats you to a dinner in an expensive restaurant. Sometimes he takes you home for the weekend and buys you presents."
The tourist was stunned."How often does this happen."
"Well, to me, actually never. But to my sister, several times."
慷慨的老板
在美国旅游期间，一位游客见到了一位移民到此处的人。
“你在这里做什么工作。”游客问道。
“我哥哥、我姐姐和我在一家大工厂工。”
“那些老板对你们怎么。”“还好。”那人回答，“事实上，如果你走着去上班，老板会开很大的车去接你并且下班把你送到家门口。有时候，他会请你到一家价格不菲的餐馆吃饭。有时候还会带你去他家过周末，并且送你小礼。”
这位游客十分吃惊：“多长时间发生一次。”
“嗯，对我而言从没有过。不过对我姐姐来说，有很多。”
21.I Am Acting like a Lady
One day when women'.dresses were on sale at the Far East Department Store, a dignified middle aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.
"You there."challenged a thrill voice."Can't you act like a gentleman."
"Listen."he said."I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
表现得像女士
有一天，远东百货商场的女装大减价，一个体面的中年男士决定给太太买一件衣服，但是，他很快被疯狂购物的女士们撞得左摇右摆。
他一直都忍着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。
“干。”有人尖叫，“你不能表现得绅士一。”
“听。”男士说，“我表现得像绅士已经有一个小时了，现在，我要表现得像位女。”
22.An Audition
My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnoissance sergeant in our artillery unit.
The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly.
During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant."Can you see that hill over there."
"Yes, sir."he replied.
"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill."
Again, the soldier said that he could.
"Well, then,"the commander went on."Can you see the bird sitting on the antenna."
The sergeant leaned forward and squinted."No, sir,"he said."but I can hear it singing."He got the job.
面试
我和炮兵连连长对炮兵侦察军士候选人进行面试，被选中的士兵需要有敏锐的视觉和机智的反应能力。
在一次面试时，连长指着一英里开外的一座小山问那个年轻军士：“你能看见远处那座小山。”
“能，长。”年轻人答道。
“你能看见那座小山上的无线电天线。”
年轻人再次表示他能看见。
“那。”连长接着说，“你能看到落在天线上的那只小鸟。”
士兵向前探着身子眯起眼睛，说：“不能，长官，但我能听到小鸟在唱。”
于是，他得到了那份工作。
23.The Cat and the Saucer
An antique collector was passing a small shop when he noticed a cat on the sidewalk in front, licking milk from a saucer. The man immediately realized the saucer was very old and valuable. He stepped into the shop with an uninterested look and asked to buy the cat."I'.sorry."the shop owner said."but the cat is not for sale."
"Please,"the collector urged."I need a cat around my house to catch mice. I'.l give you 20 dollars."
"The cat is yours."the owner said and took the money.
"Listen,"the collector added."I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer as well？ The cat seems to like it and I'.hate to have him give it up."
"Sorry,"the shop owner answered."but that saucer brings me luck. Why, just this week I'.e sold 59 cats."
猫与托盘
一个古董收藏人路过一个小店的时候，发现店前人行道上一只猫在舔一只托盘上的牛奶，他立刻意识到这个托盘是个值钱的古物。他带着一种毫无兴趣的表情步入店内要买那只猫。“对不。”店主说，“这只猫是不卖。”
“求你。”收藏人坚持道，“我家需要一只猫来捉老鼠。我给你二十美。”
“猫归你。”店主接过钱说道。
“还。”收藏人补充道，“我想你是否能把那只旧盘子也额外赠送给我。猫好像很喜欢它，我不愿意看到它失去这东。”
“对不。”店主回答说，“那只托盘能给我带来好运。你不知道，光这一周，我就卖掉五十九只。”
24.Get Out of Here
An elderly gentleman was hiring a house boy to take care of household chores. During the interview, the employer asked."What work can you do."
"Everything. If you happen to break your leg, I can help you to bed. When you seriously sick, I can go to the drug store and buy medicines for you. In case you die, I can buy a coffin for you. I know how to dig a hole in the cemetery and bury you, too."The fellow rattled on. On hearing this, the old man blew his top."Get out of here! I have never seen such an untactful person. I don't want you to work for me."
"Working for you."The would‐be employee snapped back."Fat chance! Look, you haven't even got a back door. Suppose your front door was on fire, how could I escape to save my life."
你给我滚出去
一位老人想要雇佣一名男仆来帮忙处理家务。面试时，老人问道：“你都会干什么活。”
“我什么活都会干。你要是摔断了腿，我可以扶你上床。你要是病得厉害，我可以去药店给你买药。万一你死了，我还可以为你买棺材。我还知道怎样在墓地挖个坑把你埋。”这家伙滔滔不绝地说个没完。听了这些，老人大发雷霆：“快给我滚出去！我从来没见过这么不会说话的人。我可不想让这样的人给我干。”
“为你干。”这个应聘者反击道，“门儿都没有！你看你这儿连个后门都没有，万一前门失火了，我该怎么逃命。”
25.Did That Take You an Hour？
A clerk who worked very hard and was usually very punctual arrived at his office very late one morning. He had bruises on his face, a scratch on one of his lips, sticking‐plaster on his left wrist and thumb, and a bandage on his right shoulder. He had also hurt his knee, ankles and some of his toes.
The manager of the office was not a patient man, and he had been waiting for the clerk, because he had some work to give him. When he saw him come in at last, he said angrily."You'.e an hour late, Tom Kins."
"I know, sir."answered the clerk politely."I'.very sorry. My flat is in the eighth floor, and just before I left home this morning, while I was closing one of the windows, I slipped and fell out."
"Well."the manager answered coldly."did that take you an hour."
这花了你一个小时？
一天早上，一个工作很卖力、通常都十分准时的职员很晚才到办公室。他的脸上青一块紫一块的，嘴唇划破了皮，左手腕和大拇指贴了膏药，右肩上还缠着一条绷带。他的膝盖、脚踝和一些脚趾头也都受了伤。
公司的经理不是个有耐心的人，他一直在等这个职员，因为他有一些工作要交给他做。当他总算看到这个职员走进来时，就火冒三丈地说：“你迟到了一个小时，汤姆·金。”
“我知道，先。”那个职员彬彬有礼地回答说。“我很抱歉。我的房子在八楼，今天早上就在我离家前去关一扇窗户的时候，我滑倒了，并摔了出。”
“。”经理冷冷地说，“难道这一摔要花上你一个小时。”
26.Hair‐Cutting
Isaac went to barber'.shop and had his hair cut, but when he came out, he was not happy with the result, and when his friend George saw him, he laughed and said."What happened to your hair, Mark."
Isaac said."I tried a new barber'.shop today because I wasn't at all satisfied with my old one, but this one seems even worse."
George agreed."Yes, I think you'.e right, Isaac. Now I'.l tell you what to do next time you go into a barber'.shop: look at the barbers'.air, and then go to the one whose own hair has been cut the worst."
"The one whose hair'.been cut the worst."Isaac repeated."But that would be foolish.""Oh, no, it wouldn't."answered George."Who do you think cut that man'.hair？ He couldn't cut himself, couldn't he？ Another of the barbers cut it and he must have been a worse barber than the one whose hair he cut."
理发
艾萨克去一家理发店理发，可当他出来时，对自己的发型很不满意。他的朋友乔治见到他时，笑着说：“艾萨克，你的头发怎么。”
艾萨克说：“因为对以前那家理发店不满意，今天我试了一家新理发店，可这家似乎更。”
乔治附和道：“没错，艾萨克，我觉得你说得很对。现在我告诉你下次去理发店时该怎么办：看看所有理发师的头发，然后去找那个发型最糟的理发。”
“发型最糟的理发。”艾萨克重复道，“那也未免太愚蠢了。”
“哦，那可未。”乔治回答，“你想是谁给他剪的头发？他不可能自己剪，对吧？一定是其他理发师给他剪的，而且给他剪头发的人肯定比他本人更。”
27.What If...
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad.
The inspector decides to give Tom a quiz, askings."What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track."
Tom says."I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke."asks the inspector.
"I'.run down to the tracks and use my manual lever."answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning."challenges the inspector.
"Then,"Tom continues."I'.run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy."
"In that case,"Tom argues."I'.run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized."
"Oh, well,"says Tom."in that case I'.run back home and get my grandpa."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks."Why would you do that."
"Because he'.85 years of age but he never seen a train crash."
如果……咋办？
汤姆正应聘当地铁路信号员。
考官决定小小地测试一下汤姆，就问道：“发现同一轨道上两辆列车对向开怎么办。”
汤姆说：“我会用操纵杆让其中一辆转到另一个轨道上。”
“如果操纵杆断了怎么。”考官问。
“我会跑到铁轨上手动撬动铁。”汤姆回答。
“如果手动杆被雷电击中怎么。”考官挑战汤姆。
“那。”汤姆继续回答，“我会跑上去到这里打电话告诉第二个信号。”
“如果电话占线怎么。”
“如果是那。”汤姆争辩，“我会跑到附近街上打公用电。”
“如果公用电话坏了怎么。”
“哦，好。”汤姆说，“我就跑回家叫爷爷过。”
这个回答让考官不得其解，考官问：“为什么那样做。”
“他老人家活了八十五岁了还没有见过火车相撞。”
28.Charitable Lawyer
A man doing telephone solicitations for a local charity called up a prominent and wealthy lawyer and asked him for a modest donation.
The lawyer became incensed at the request and said to his caller,"I bet you weren't aware that just this past week my wife required major surgery and the expenses for this surgery weren't covered by insurance."
The caller started to apologize and express his regret for having asked for money and was interrupted by the lawyer who chimed in,"And this past month my mother died and my family had to put together an expensive funeral for her."
Again the caller tried to apologize to the lawyer for attempting to solicit a donation and told the lawyer he was sorry to hear that his mother had died.
"Then just this past month, one of my sons came down with a serious illness and almost died...and my daughter needed plastic surgery to repair a congenital defect on her face."the lawyer added to the conversation.
The caller again felt bad and regretted having bothered the lawyer for taking up his time and apologized to him.
The lawyer then responded."And if I didn't give any of these people my money, why should I give some to you."
行善的律师
一个为当地慈善机构做电话筹资的男人打电话给一个有名且有钱的律师，希望他能捐献一点儿钱。
律师对这个要求感到愤怒，对打电话的人说：“我敢打赌你还不知道就在上周我的妻子做了一个较大的手术，而手术的费用并没有算在保险费。”
打电话的人向他道歉，并对要求捐钱的举动表示懊悔，还没说完，律师就插话进来：“上个月我的母亲去世了，我家人必须为她筹钱办一个昂贵的葬。”
打电话的人再次试图为他刚才打算寻求捐款的举动向律师道歉，告诉律师他为他妈妈的死感到惋惜。
“也是在上个月，我的一个儿子患了很重的病，差点死掉……还有我的女儿需要做整容手术来修补她脸上天生的缺。”律师又补充道。
打电话的人感到非常抱歉，后悔打扰了律师并向他道歉。
律师回答说：“如果我连这些人都不给钱，为什么我要给你。”
29.The Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial. He approached her and asked."Mrs. Warner, do you know me."
She responded."Oh, yes, I do know you, Mr, Williams. I'.e known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you'.e been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you'.e a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two‐bit paper pusher. Yes. I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked."Mrs. Warner, do you know the defense attorney."
She again replied."Oh, yes I do. I'.e known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, used to babysit him for his parents. And he also has been a real disappointment to me. He'.lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.Yes. I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace."If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'.l be jailed for contempt."
见证人
一个小镇上，检察官传唤他第一个证人上庭。他走近她问道：“华纳夫人，你知道我是谁。”
她回答：“当然。我认识你，威廉姆斯先生。从你是个小孩的时候我就认识你了。坦白地说，我真对你失望。你撒谎，你欺骗你妻子，你玩弄人，在背后讲别人坏话。你以为你是一个大人物，你这没脑子的家伙，你完全没意识到你其实连一个卖两毛五分钱一张报纸的推销员还不如。是的，我认识。”
律师大吃一惊。不知道如何是好，他只得向房间那边一指，问：“华纳夫人，你认识被告律师。”
她再次回答说：“当然，我认识。布拉德利先生是个小孩子时我就认识他了。我曾经做过他的保姆，他也让我非常失望。他又懒又顽固，还酗酒。这家伙无法同别人建立一个正常的关系，在整个州他的律师事业可说是最糟糕的。是的，我认识。”
这时，法官敲小木槌让法庭保持肃静，把那两个律师叫到跟前，他低声威胁道：“如果你们有谁问她是否认识我，就会以藐视法庭罪收。”
30.The Best Salesman in the World
Harry saw an ad in a window. It said."Wanted. The Best Salesman in the World. Top Pay."
"I'.a great salesman."Harry told himself,"I can sell anything. I'.l go in and ask for that job."
He went into the building and spoke to the manager.
"I'.the best salesman in the world."he said."Give me the job."
"You must prove you'.e the best."the manager said.
"I'.l pass every test you give me."Harry told him.
"Good."
The manager took a box of candy out of his desk.
"Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job."
"That'.easy."Harry said.
He took the box of candy and left the office.
Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell a thousand boxes of the candy.
He couldn't sell one.
The candy was so bad; he couldn't even give it away.
At the end of the week he went back to the manager.
"I'.sorry sir."he said."I was wrong about myself, I'.not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is."
"Oh."said the manager."who."
"The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy." Harry said.
世界上最好的销售员
哈里在橱窗上看到一则广告，上面写着：招聘世界上最好的销售员，报酬优厚。
“我是一名了不起的销售。”哈里自言自语，“任何东西我都能卖出去，我要进去应聘这份工。”
他走进大楼去和经理谈这件事。
“我是世界上最好的销售。”他说，“把这份工作给我。”
“你必须证明你是最好。”经理说。
“我会通过你给我的每一项测试。”哈里告诉他。
“。”
经理从桌子里取出一盒糖果。
“我上星期买了一千盒这种糖果，如果你能在周未之前把这些全卖出去，你就能得到这份工。”
“那很简。”哈里说。
他拿着这盒糖果离开了办公室。
每天从早到晚，他从这家店走到那家店，竭力想卖出一千盒糖果。
结果他一盒都没卖出去。
糖果质量太差，以至于白送都没人要。
周末他回去见经理。
“很抱歉，先。”他说，“我错了，我不是世界上最好的销售员，但我知道谁是最好。”
“。”经理问，“是。”
“就是把这一千盒糖果卖给你的。”哈里说。
31.You Believe a Donkey
Most of Aidan'.neighbors were pleasant people, who were always ready to help each when they were in trouble. But there was one woman who lived in his street and was disliked by everybody because she was always borrowing things from people and then forgetting to give them back.
Early one morning, Aidan heard a knock at his front door, and, when he opened it, found this woman outside.
"Good morning, Aidan."she said."I have to take some thing to my sister'.house in the town today, and I have not got a donkey, as you know.Will you lend me yours？ I will bring it back this evening."
"I am sorry."answered Aidan."If my donkey was here, I would of course lend it to you willingly, but it is not."
"Oh."said the woman."It was here last night, because I saw it behind your house. Where is it now."
"My wife took it into town early this morning."answered Aidan.
Just then the donkey brayed loudly."You are not telling the truth."the woman said angrily."I can hear your donkey. You should be ashamed of yourself, telling lies to your neighbor."
"You are the one who should be ashamed, not me."shouted Aidan."You believe a donkey'.word rather than that of your neighbor."
相信驴的话
艾丹的大多数邻居都很友善，在彼此有困难的时候都会相互帮助。但艾丹居住的那条街上，也有个人人都很讨厌的女人，因为她总是向别人借东西但却忘记归还。
一天早上，艾丹听到有人敲前门，打开门发现外面正是那个女人。
“早上好，艾。”她说，“今天我要把一些东西送到镇上妹妹家，你知道，我没有驴，你能把驴借给我吗？我今晚就还给。”
“很抱。”艾丹回答道，“如果驴在的话，我当然愿意借给你，但驴不。”
“。”那女人说道，“昨晚驴还在这儿呢，因为我看到它在你的房子后面。它去哪儿。”
“我老婆今天一大早就带它进城。”艾丹回答道。
就在那时，驴大声叫了起来。“你不讲真。”这个女人生气地说道，“我听见你的驴叫了。对邻居撒谎，你真该为自己的行为感到羞。”
“应该感到羞愧的人是你，不是。”艾丹喊道，“你宁可相信驴的话也不相信邻居的。”
32.An Englishman and a French Barber
An Englishman, coming from Dover, had no sooner landed in Calais than he want to a barber to get himself shaved."Sir,"said the islander."I am very nervous and mortally dread being cut when I am shaved. Here is a guinea for you if you do not cut me, and here a pistol with which I will blow out your brains if you cut me. Do you accept these conditions.""Yes, my lord, fear nothing."
And he shaved him without accident. The Englishman, much pleased, handed him the guinea, saying."Has not the pistol frightened you a little.""Not at all,"answered the barber."for if, perchance, had cut the skin, I would have finished you by cutting you throat."
英国人和法国理发师
一位来自多佛尔的英国人刚在加莱上岸，想让一个理发师帮他刮脸。“先。”这个英国人说道，“我在刮脸时非常紧张而且非常害怕脸被刮破。如果你没有把我的脸刮破，这个金币就归你了，如果刮破了，我就用这把手枪把你的脑袋打爆。你接受这些条件。”“是的，阁下，没什么可怕。”
他不出任何差错地帮他刮了脸。这个英国人很欣慰，把金币递给他说道：“这支手枪有没有吓到。”“一点儿也没。”理发师回答，“如果万一我把你的皮肤刮破了，我最后就会连你的喉咙一起割。”
