上篇 秀外晦中
1.A Careless Barber
Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in？
Customer: No.
Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.
粗心的理发师
理发师：你进来时是不是系着红围巾？
顾客：没有呀。
理发师：噢，那我肯定弄破了你的喉咙。
2.Qualification
"What makes you think you'.e qualified to be a night watchman."asked the personnel director.
"Well, for one thing,"replied the job applicant."I'.a real light sleeper."
称职
一位人事经理问一位求职者：“你怎么就觉得你能胜任值夜班的工作。”
求职者说：“噢，有一点我敢肯定，我睡觉很。”
3.Helping to Clean the Dishes
Just after the maid had been fired, she took ten bucks from her purse and threw it to Bingo, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered."I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time."
帮助洗碗
女佣被解雇后，她从钱包里拿出十美元，扔给宾果——这家的狗。
当她的前雇主问她为什么这样做的时候，她回答：“我不会忘记朋友的，这是给它的报酬，谢谢它一直以来帮我洗。”
4.Not Fair
A: Mr. Tom died yesterday. Are you going to attend his funeral？
B: No, of course not!
A: Why not？ I thought you were friends.
B: It wouldn't be fair if I did.
A: Not fair？ What do you mean？
B: If I attend his funeral, would he be able to attend mine？
不公平
甲：“汤姆先生昨天去世了。你去参加他的葬礼。”
乙：“不去，当然不。”
甲：“为什么不去？我还以为你们是好朋友。”
乙：“我要是去，那会不公。”
甲：“不公平？你这话什么意。”
乙：“我要是参加了他的葬礼，他能参加我的葬礼。”
5.One Egg Less
Everything about country customs delighted my neighbors, who had moved to our small town from the city. Then one day they spotted a sign."Fresh Eggs for Sale."at a roadside stand where payment was on the honor system."Why can't everyone be this trusting."They said at they put their money in a box and took a carton. When they got home and opened it, they found 11 eggs.
少了一个
我的邻居刚从城里搬来我们这个小镇，一切有关农村习俗的事情都让他们感到很高兴。后来有一天，他们发现路边小摊的一块牌子上写着“出售新鲜。”，是用那种传统的售货方式，旁边并没人收钱。“为什么不是每个人都这样信任别人。”说着，就把钱放进一个盒子里，拿走了一打鸡蛋。他们回到家打开盒子，却只看见十一个鸡蛋。
6.The Dog Doesn't Bite
One early morning, an old lady was strolling through the park when she saw James with a dog.
"Does your dog bite."she asked.
"No."said James.
When the old lady tried to pet the dog, it almost bit her fingers off.
"You said your dog doesn't bite."screamed the old lady with blood dripping from her hand.
"That'.all right."answered James."My dog doesn't bite, but that'.not my dog."
不咬人的狗
一天清晨，一位老太太正在公园里溜达，突然瞧见詹姆斯和一条狗在一起。
老太太问：“你的狗咬人。”
詹姆斯说：“不咬。”
当老太太伸出手去摸那条狗时，它却差点儿咬掉她的手指。
“你刚才不是说你的狗不咬人。”老太太尖声叫道，血从她的手指上滴了下来。
詹姆斯回答说：“我说得没错啊，我的狗真不咬人，可这条狗不是我。”
7.Nine Bouquets of Flowers
A couple of extras in the play were talking backstage at the end of the performance."What'.the matter with our leading lady."one actress asked."She seems really mad about something."
"Oh, she'.upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlights."the other woman then answered.
"Nine."exclaimed the first actress,"That'.pretty good, isn't it."
"Yes,"her friend replied."but she paid for ten."
九束鲜花
两个临时演员演出结束后在后台聊天。“我们的女主角怎么。”一个女演员问，“她看起来像是为什么事发疯似。”
“噢，她之所以心烦意乱，是因为她谢幕时只收到九束鲜。”另一个女人答道。
“九。”第一个女演员惊叫道，“那相当不错了，不是。”
“是。”她的朋友回答说，“但她付的是十束鲜花的。”
8.Out of Luck
The man in the jail asked a newcomer why he was imprisoned there.
The newcomer replied."I think I was out of luck. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of rope. I thought no one wanted it, so I picked it up and took it home."
"But it was not against the law."
"I told you I was out of luck, didn't I."the man sighed."The trouble was that I didn't notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope."
运气不好
牢房里，一个人问新来的犯人为什么被关在那里。
新来的犯人回答说：“我想我是运气不好。几天前，我正在街上走时，看到一截绳子，以为没有人要，就拾起来，带回了。”
“可这不违法。”
“我告诉过你我运气不好，对。”那个人叹道，“问题是我没有注意到绳子那头还有一头。”
9.Old Age Eyesight
The old man Sam was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam."Did you see my client commit this burglary."
"Yes,"says Sam."I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again."Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime."
"Yes,"says Sam."I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam."Sam listen, you are 70 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night."
Sam says."I can see the moon, how far is that."
老年人的视力
老人萨姆是一起入室抢劫案件的目击证人。辩护律师问萨姆：“你看到我的当事人犯案了。”
“是。”萨姆说，“我清楚地看见他拿走了那些东。”
律师再问萨姆：“萨姆，案件发生在晚上，你确定你看到我的当事人犯案了。”
“是。”萨姆说，“我看见他作案。”
然后律师问萨姆：“萨姆，你听好，你已经七十岁了，你的视力很可能不好。在晚上你能看到多远。”
萨姆说：“我可以看见月亮，那有多。”
10.Death in the Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments."You look terrible. What'.the problem."
"My mother died in June,"he said."and left me ＄10, 000."
"Gee, that'.tough."he replied.
"Then in July,"the friend continued."my father died, leaving me ＄50, 000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you'.e depressed."
"And last month, my aunt died, and left me ＄15, 000."
"Three close family members lost in three months？ How sad."
"Then this month,"continued the friend."nothing."
家庭中的死亡
在酒吧，一个男人看见他的朋友坐在桌边独自喝酒。
他走到朋友身边说：“你看起来很糟糕。出了什么。”
“我母亲在六月去世。”他说，“留给我一万美。”
“呃，这可真糟。”他回应着。
“然后七月的时。”朋友继续说，“我父亲死了，留给我五万美。”
“哇，两个月内双亲相继死去，难怪你这么悲。”
“上个月我姑妈过世了，留给我一万五千美。”
“在三个月内失去三个亲近的家人？真悲。”
“然后在这个。”朋友继续道，“什么都没。”
11.Take off Cap
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that."his friend says.
"Well,"Harry replies."I was married to her for 40 years, it was the least I could do."
摘帽
一天，两个男人在玩高尔夫球。正当他们准备开始打一个洞时，一个葬礼队伍从路边经过。其中一个叫哈利的男人摘下了他的帽子，并将帽子放在胸前。站着等行进的队伍走过，接着他又戴上了他的帽子，开始发球。
“哈利，你做了一个非常好的手势，你这样做很体贴和恭。”他的朋友说。
“。”哈利回答，“我和她结婚四十年，这是我最后能做的。”
12.Very Busy
An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick."I have to see a doctor."he told a local."How can I be sure of getting a good one."
"It'.easy."was the reply."Every time a doctor loses a patient,it'.our law that he must f ly a balloon above his office."
So the American began his search. One doctor f lew twenty balloons, another thirty. Finally the American found an office that was flying only eight, and went in.
"You'.l have to wait,"the doctor told him."for someone who only started practice yesterday, I'.e been very busy."
太忙
一名美国人在游览南美洲一个偏僻地区时病了。“我得去看医。”他对一个当地人说，“怎样才能确保找到一位好医生。”
对方回答说：“这很容易。我们的法律规定，医生每医死一个病人，就得在诊所上方升起一只气。”
于是，这个美国人就开始四处寻找。一家诊所上悬着二十只气球，另一家悬着三十只。最后，他发现一家只悬着八只气球，就走了进去。
“你得。”医生对他说，“我昨天才开业，一直很。”
13.Doggie Funeral
This rich man died and left in his will that when his dog died he was to have a funeral, and who ever did the funeral would get a million dollars.
When the dog died, the executor started asking various faiths of the cloth if they would do the funeral. All refused. Finally, he asked this old country preacher if he would do the funeral."Why brother—I don't do dogs funerals."
"OK."the executor replied."But the one who does this funeral gets a fat two million dollars."The preacher replied."Now, wait a minute—you didn't tell me this dog was a Christian."
狗的葬礼
富翁去世了，在他的遗嘱中表示，他的狗死之后需要举办一场葬礼，操办这场葬礼的人将会得到一百万美金。
那只狗死后，遗嘱执行人询问了各个教派的教士是否愿意举办这场葬礼。所有人都拒绝了。最后，他问城中一位老布道者是否愿意举办。“兄弟——我可不会为狗举办葬。”
“好。”执行人回道，“但是举办葬礼的人将会得到两百万美金的厚礼。”
布道者一听马上说：“等一下——你可没告诉我这只狗原来是个天主教徒。”
14.What the Problem Is
One of my fellow midshipmen at the U. S. Naval Academy was performing poorly in class and reported to his company officer for counseling."Your marks are deplorable."the officer scolded."Is there a problem that has kept you from studies."
"No, sir."the midshipman replied."I have no idea what the problem is. I study the notes I take, and I'.never late to class. I don't even talk in class, but for some reason my professors don't seem to like me."
The officer sat back and thought. Then he asked."Do you get enough sleep."
My classmate replied."Sir, do you mean at night or in class."
问题所在
我有个美国海军学院候补军官同伴，学业很差。他到尉官那里进行咨询。“你的分数糟透。”尉官责备说，“有什么问题阻碍你学习。”
“没有，先。”候补军官回答说，“我搞不清是什么问题。我攻读自己记的笔记，上课从不迟到，甚至上课也不说话，但教授们好像就是不喜欢。”
军官向后一靠，想了想，然后问道：“你睡眠充足。”
我的同学回答说：“先生，你是说夜里还是课堂。”
15.An Englishman
Once late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he asked. The Englishman reentered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water. Every few minutes the Englishman would come out of his room and repeat his request.
After a half‐hour, the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.
"Nothing."the Englishman answered imperturbably."It'.simply that my room is on fire."
一个英国人
一天晚上，一个英国人从他住的旅店房间里走出来，来到走廊上，叫旅店的服务员给他拿一杯水来。服务员按他的要求做了。英国人回到了他的房间里，几分钟后他又来到走廊上，让服务员再给他送一杯水。服务员又给他送了一杯水。每隔几分钟，英国人就走出房间重复他的要求。
半小时之后，这位感到惊讶的服务员决定问问房客要这些水干什么，英国人不慌不忙地回答：“没什么，只不过是我的房间里起火。”
16.The Patient Suffered a Severe Relapse
The patient was convalescing after an operation for appendicitis. His friend asked him how he was getting along.
"Pretty well."was the answer."After my first operation, they had to cut me open again. It seems the surgeon hand left a sponge in me and they had to get that out."
"But you got over that all right."
"Oh, yes, only I had another operation yesterday. They found a scalpel which had been sewed up in me by mistake."
"Surely you are all right now, though."the friend said encouraginly.
But the patient suffered a severe relapse, for just then the doctor hurried thorough the ward saying."Has anyone seen my hat around here？ I left it somewhere yesterday."
病情再度恶化
一位病人正在阑尾炎手术的康复过程中，他的朋友问他康复得怎么样。
“非常不。”他回答说，“第一次手术过后，他们又给我开了一刀，好像是医生把海绵落在我的身体里了，他必须把它取出。”
“但是你恢复得不错。”
“哦，是的，只是我昨天做了另一个手术，他们发现一个手术刀被误缝在我的身体里。”
“但是你确实恢复得很。”这位朋友鼓励道。
但是这个病人的病情再度恶化了，过了一会儿，医生急匆匆走进病房说：“有谁看到我的帽子了？我昨天不知道把它落在哪里。”
17.Making All the People Happy
Due to a mix‐up on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a ＄1000 bill and says."I'.going to throw this ＄1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped ＄1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying."Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney'.stupid move, Christina bragged,"Look, I'.going to throw 1000 ＄1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says."I think I'.l throw all three of you out of this plane and make all the people happy."
使所有人都高兴
由于格莱美颁奖委员会的失误，麦当娜、布兰妮·斯皮尔斯和克里斯蒂娜·阿奎莱拉被迫共同乘坐一架私人喷气飞机赶去颁奖典礼。
飞机起飞后，麦当娜扔出了一千美元的支票说：“我把这一千美元的支票从窗户扔出去，能让地面上的某个人很开。”
不想被麦当娜的风头压过去，布兰妮把一张一千美元的支票撕成两半，从窗户扔了出去，说：“看，我会让两个人很开。”
克里斯蒂娜甚至没有意识到布兰妮愚蠢的举动，在一边吹牛说：“看吧，我要扔下一千张一美元的支票，这会让更多的人开。”
这时，那个偶然听到整个吹嘘攀比过程的飞行员再也忍不住了，说：“我觉得我把你们三个扔下去的话，会让所有人开。”
18.God Will Pay the Bill
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Jack, you'.e going to be just fine,"said the nun, gently patting his hand."we do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance."
"No, I'.not."the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash."persisted the nun.
"I'.afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives."the nun continued.
"Just my sister in New York."he volunteered."But she'.a spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Jack. Nuns are not'spinsters'.they are married to God."
"Really？ Wonderful."said Jack."In that case, you can send the bill to my brother‐in‐law."
上帝付药费
一个男子被紧急送到手术急救室。手术很成功，他苏醒后，身旁守候的修女安慰着他。
“杰克先生，一切都会好起来。”修女一边轻轻地拍着他的手一边说道，“但是我们想知道你怎么来付医药费呢，你有保险。”
“没。”杰克喉咙嘶哑，低声说道。
“能付现金。”修女接着问。
“恐怕不能，修。”
“那么，你有近亲。”修女继续问。
“只有一个妹妹在纽。”他提到，“但是，她是修女，还没有结。”
“哦，我必须更正一下，修女不是未婚者，修女嫁给了上。”
“是真的吗？太棒。”杰克说，“要是那样的话，你可以把医药费寄给我的妹。”
19.Upsetting the Stewardess
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks."And get me a coke, you cow."
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls."And get me another coke."
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot'.approach.
"I'.e asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat."
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says."For someone who can't fly, you'.e got some guts."
让空姐慌张
登机后，一名男子非常吃惊地看到他旁边坐着一只系着安全带的鹦鹉。他向空姐要了一杯咖啡，于是鹦鹉也咯咯地叫道：“给我来一杯可乐，你这头母。”
慌张的空姐给鹦鹉端回来一杯可乐却忘了端咖啡。
当男子指出空姐的疏忽时，鹦鹉喝掉了它那杯饮料，大声叫道：“再给我来杯可。”
由于非常不安，这位姑娘摇摇晃晃地端回来另一杯可乐但仍然忘了咖啡。
这个男人对这样的失责感到很不满，于是试着用鹦鹉的口气说：“我已经叫了两次咖啡！现在快去给我拿来，你这头老山。”
然后，他和这只鹦鹉被两名强壮的男乘务员一把拎起来扔出了紧急出口。
下降过程中鹦鹉对他说：“对于不会飞的人来说，你还真够。”
20.Quick Fix
When old Mr. O'.eary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'.eary called the undertaker aside for a little private talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but me knew he was bald,"she confided."and he could never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they'.e through paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs. O'.eary,"comforted the undertaker."I'.l fix it so that toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the corpse quite a going‐over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'.eary offered the undertaker an extra hundred bucks for handling the matter so efficiently.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money."protested the undertaker."What'.five nails."
快速固定
年迈的奥列瑞先生故去时，大家精心准备了守丧计划。准备时，奥列瑞太太把承办人叫到一边，做了一次私下交谈。
“请千万要注意把他头上戴的假发保护好，除了我还没有人知道他是秃。”奥列瑞太太倾诉道，“如果有谁知道此事，我先生会难以安息的。在我们家乡来的朋友们最后和他道别之前，他们肯定要握他的手，摸他的头。”
“放心吧，奥列瑞太。”承办人安慰道，“我会处理好他的假发，绝不会掉下。”。
果真如此，守丧那天，虽然奥列瑞先生的尸体被一群老古董们折腾了个遍，但那顶假发仍很牢固。那天结束后，高兴的奥列瑞太太为奖励承办人的办事效率高，额外地给了他几百元钱。
“我不能要你的。”承办人坚持道，“不就是五个钉子的事。”
21.Lawyer
A successful lawyer parked his brand‐new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver'.side.The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined.
When the lawyer f inally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head."I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are."he said."You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing."asked the lawyer.
The cop replied."Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down？ It must have been torn off when the truck hityou."
"My God."screamed the lawyer."Where'.my Rolex."
律师
一位功成名就的律师将一辆崭新的凌志轿车停在办公室门前，准备向同事们炫耀一番。他正开门下车时，一辆卡车擦边而过，撞掉了新车驾驶室的门。律师马上抓起手机，拨打911。不到几分钟，一名警察驱车赶来了。
还没等警官发问，律师就开始歇斯底里尖叫起来。他昨天刚买的凌志轿车，现在彻底报废了。
当律师最终从大喊大叫中平静下来后，警官摇了摇头，说：“我简直不敢相信，你们这些律师这么利欲熏心。你把注意力都集中在财产上，没有注意到其他东。”
“你怎么能这样说。”律师问。
警官回答说：“你不知道自己的左臂从肘部以下都没了吗？肯定是卡车撞到车门时把它也给扯掉。”
“我的上。”律师尖叫道，“我的劳力士表哪去。”
22.It's Getting Worse
There is a ship that goes out to send crashes. Six people, one woman and five men, survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending six weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely—sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and every one is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman get to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!
Well, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it'.getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, and the fifth week it is just auful, it'.getting so very very very bad that...
They just had to bury her.
更糟了
一艘船出海触礁。有六个人（一个女人及五个男人）幸存，他们乘救生艇飘到了这座荒岛。在岛上过了六个礼拜后，他们开始觉得非常寂寞——缺少性生活的寂寞。于是他们达成了这项协议。
所有男人可以娶这个女人一星期。所以第一人在第一周拥有她，第二人在第二周拥有她，以此类推。每个人都能得到满足所以他们同意了。这样持续了五年大家都过得很快乐。每个人可以每五周拥有一周性生活。而女人也可以在每周需要时和不同的人温存。
然而好景不常，在迈入第五年的几周后，女人死了！
第一周很难过，第二周还是很难过，第三周更难过，第四周实在非常难过，而第五周简直糟透了，实在是糟糕得无法忍受……
他们只好把她埋了。
23.A LittIe Boy
There was once a clairvoyant little boy who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish."God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."
The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying."God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma."
The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street—she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said."God bless mommy, goodbye daddy."
His father paniced. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired.
He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words."Goodbye daddy."He finally came home early, but very carefully.
He was met at the front door by his wife, who said."What do you think happened today, dear？ The most awful thing—the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
小男孩
有一个小男孩能够预知未来。
某个晚上在小男孩祷告时，他说着：“上帝啊，请保佑妈咪、爹地、外婆。再见，外。”
隔天，小男孩的外公因心脏病过世。
几周后，小男孩祷告：“上帝啊，请保佑妈咪、爹地。再见，外。”
隔天，外婆在过街时被公共汽车撞到，当场死亡。
大约一个月过后，当小男孩在祷告时，他说：“上帝请保佑妈咪。再见，。”。
他的父亲吓得要死，他很谨慎小心地开车上班，还请了一个武装的保镖开着装甲战车保护他。但他无法集中精神做事，脑中一直浮现那句话，“再见，。”。
最后他提早下班回家，非常小心的，他在门口时碰到他的老婆。
她说：“亲爱的，你知道今天发生了什么吗？真是太惨了，送牛奶的竟然死在我们后走廊。”
24.Two Men
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation."How did you die."the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death."says the second.
"That'.awful."says the first man."How does it feel to freeze to death."
"It'.very uncomfortable at first."says the second man."You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it'.a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you'.e sleeping. How about you？ How did you die."
"I had a heart attack."says the first man."You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head."That'.so ironic."he says.
"What do you mean."asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'.both still be alive."
两个男人
天堂门外有两个男人在等待着，他们俩聊起来。“你是怎么死。”第一个男人问第二个。
“我是冻死。”第二个说。
“真可。”第一个人说，“冻死是什么感。”
“开始很不舒。”第二个人说，“身体颤抖，所有的手指和脚趾都疼，但是最终走得很平静，身体麻木，有一种漂浮的感觉，就像睡梦中一样。你呢？你是怎么死。”
“我是心脏病发作死。”第一个人说，“我知道老婆有外遇，于是，有一天我没有告诉她就回家了。我跑到楼上的卧室，发现她一个人在那里织毛线。我跑到地下室，也没有人藏在那里。我跑到二楼，还是没有发现别人。我用最快速度跑到楼顶，我刚要爬上去，就心脏病突发，然后就死。”
第二个人摇摇头，“这真是讽刺。”他说。
“为什么这样说。”第一个人说。
“要是你停下来检查一下冰柜，我们俩兴许都还会活。”
25.The Deaf Collector
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they wer."protectin.". Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job—if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up over ＄80, 000. He got greedy, decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realized that their collection was late, and sent some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods found the deaf collector and asked him where the money was. The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the mafia dragged the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood said to the interpreter."Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signed."Where'.the money."
The deaf replied."I don't know what you are talking about."
The interpreter told the hood."He says he doesn't know what you'.e talking about."
The hood pulled out a pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector."Now ask him where the money is."
聋子收钱
黑手党正在找一个人，从每周受到他们“。”的商贩那里收钱。他们害怕会被警察发现，于是决定用一个聋子——即使聋子被捕，在警察面前也说不出什么事。
头一周，聋子收的钱超过八万美金。他贪起来了，决定据为已有，就把钱藏了起来。
钱迟迟没到，黑手党很快觉得事有蹊跷，就派他们的人寻找聋子。这些人找到聋子问钱在哪里。聋子无法跟他们交流，他们就把聋子拽到一个手语翻译面前。
黑手党的人对翻译说：“问他钱在哪。”
手语翻译做手势：“钱在哪。”
聋子回复：“我不明白你们在说什。”
翻译告诉黑手党：“他说他不明白你们在说什。”
黑手党掏出手枪摁进聋子的耳朵，“再问钱在哪。”
26.A Nice Stone
Sometime after Colin died, his widow, Lily, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Colin thought of everything."she told her firends."Just before he died, Colin handed me three envelopes.'Lily,'he told me,'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly that I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace."
"What was in the envelopes."her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5000 with a note'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'.So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Paul is resting comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10000 with a note'Please use this for a nice funeral'.I arranged Colin a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope."asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $30000 with a note'Please use this to buy a nice stone.
Holding her hand in the air, Lily said."So, do you like my stone."showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
上好的石头
科林死后过了一段时间，遗孀莉莉最终觉得是时候跟大伙说说她的丈夫多么体贴多么好了。
“科林什么事情都安排好。”莉莉跟朋友们说，临死时，科林给我三个信封。莉莉，说，这三个信封里装有我的遗愿。我死后请你打开，按照我说的去做，那样我就安息了。
“信封里装的什么愿望。”朋友们问。
第一个信封里面有5000美元和一张纸条‘请用这些钱买一副好棺材’我就买了一副有舒适衬里的红木棺材，漂亮大方，我知道科林躺在里面一定很舒适。
“第二个信封里面有1万美元和一张纸条，第二张条上写着，‘请用这些钱办一个像样的葬礼。我就为科林张罗了一个体面的葬礼，买了所有科林最爱吃的东西跟出席葬礼的人分。”
“第三个信封。”朋友们追问。
“第三个信封里有3万美金和一张纸条：请用这些钱买一块上好的石头（指墓碑）。
莉莉举起手来说：“看，这块石头好看。”莉莉边说边秀着她十克拉的钻戒。
下篇 编外斗狠
1.Modern Art
When a very superior person was walking round an art ex‐ hibition, he paused and told an attendant."I suppose this hideous monster is what they call modern art."
"No, sir,"replied the attendant."that'.what they call a mirror."
现代艺术
一个自命不凡的人在参观一个艺术展时，停下来，对一名工作人员说：“我想这个可怕的怪物就是所谓的现代艺。”
“不，先。”工作人员回答说，“这是所谓的镜。”
2.Like Mother, Like Daughter
My husband, a high school teacher, had a meeting with the mother of a student who had a tendency to become distracted during class. He asked if she had noticed that problem when dealing with her daughter. The mother looked thoughtfully at him and then pointed to the far wall, asking."Are those aluminum windows."
有其母必有其女
我丈夫是个中学教员，曾经因为一个学生上课经常开小差而请了她的母亲来学校。
他问她在和女儿的接触中是否注意到这个问题。这位母亲若有所思地盯着他，然后指着远处的墙问：“那是铝合金窗户。”
3.Why don't You Come Back in June
On the shortest day of the year, a woman was standing outside her house talking to a door‐to‐door salesman.She accused him of dishonest conduct.
In his defense, he protested."But, madam, I'.as honest as the day is long."
"In that case,"she replied, giving him a stern look."why don't you come back in June."
为什么不六月份来
一年中白昼最短的一天，一个妇女站在屋外和上门推销员说话。她谴责他推销不诚实。
他反驳道：“太太，我的诚实就像白天一样。”
她狠狠瞪了他一眼，回答说：“那你为什么不六月份来。”
4.He Wanted Two Ballons
The boy'.clothing shop was giving away balloons to custo-mers'.hildren. One little fellow asked if he might bave two.
"Sorry,"the clerk said."but we give only one balloon to each child. Do you have a brother at home."
The youngster was always truthful, but wanted another balloon badly."No,"he replied regretfully."but my sister does, and I'.like one for him."
他想要两只气球
儿童服装店正在向顾客的孩子们赠送气球。其中一个小男孩问是否能够得到两只气球。
“对不。”售货员说，“我们只赠给每个孩子一只气球，你家里有弟弟。”
小家伙一贯很诚实，可他特别想再要一只气球。“没。”他遗憾地说，“可我姐姐有个弟弟，我想给他要一。”
5.Expensive Price
Dentist: I'.sorry, madam, but I'.l have to charge you fifty dollars for pulling your son'.tooth.
Donna: fifty dollars! But I thought you only charged ten dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
昂贵的代价
牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收50美元。
堂娜：50美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要10美元呀？
牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了。
6.Reason
Driving through Texas, a New Yorker collided with a truck carrying a horse. A few months later he tried to collect damages for his injuries."How can you now claim to have all these injuries."asked the insurance company'.lawyer."According to the police report, at the time you said you were not hurt."
"Look,"replied the New Yorker."I was lying on the road in a lot of pain, and I heard someone say the horse had a broken leg. The next thing I know was Texas ranger pulled out his gun and shot the horse. Then he turned to me and asked,'Are you okay？'.
原因
一位纽约人驾车穿过得克萨斯州时，与一辆载着一匹马的卡车相撞。几个月后，他试图就所受的损伤要求赔偿。“你怎么现在又声称受了。”保险公司的律师问，“根据警方报告，你当时说没有受。”
“是这么回。”纽约人答道，当时我躺在地上浑身疼痛，听到有人说马断了一条腿，接下来我知道那个得克萨斯州巡逻骑兵拔出枪打死了马。然后，他转身问我：你没事吧？
7.Stubborn Horse
The great novelist had gone mad, but now there seemed to be some hope for his recovery. For six months, he had been sitting at his typewriter pounding out a novel. Finally, he pronounced it completed and brought the book to his psychiatrist, who eagerly began reading it aloud."General Jackson leaped upon his faithful horse and yelled, 'Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, giddyap...'.The doctor thumbed through the rest of the manuscript. There'.nothing here but five hundred pages o."giddyaps.".
"Stubborn horse."explained the writer.
倔马
伟大的小说家疯了，但现在好像还有一些康复的希望。六个月来，他一直坐在打字机旁用力敲出一部小说。最后，他宣布书已杀青，并把它拿给了精神病医生。医生迫不及待地朗读起来：杰克逊将军跃上他忠实的马，大声喊道：驾，驾，驾，驾……医生翻完了剩下的手稿。五百页全是：“驾。”
“是倔。”作家解释说。
8.Kids
There'.one big difference between whiskey and kids. Whiskey improves with age. Don't let this get around but I'.e come up with something that could revolutionize the field of child psychology. It'.called a whip!
Let'.face it. Some kids are like ketchup bottle. You have to hit them to get them moving. Personally, I have never raised a finger against one of my children. I use the whole hand—it works a lot better.
I always wanted to spend more time with my kids. Then one day I did. A typical American home is where you tell your dog t."speak."and your kids t."Shut up."
孩子
威士忌与孩子之间有很大的不同。威士忌是越陈越香。不要逃避，我已经想出了一个革新孩童心理的方法。它叫做鞭策学！
面对事实吧！有些孩子就像番茄酱瓶子，不打不动。基本上，我从没对我的小孩动过一根手指，我用整只手，效果比较好。
我总是想着多花点时间陪孩子。然后我这么做了。典型的美国家庭中你会教狗说话而叫小孩闭嘴。
9.Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk'.hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir."the clerk said."I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we have had so long."
"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double breasted thing."the manager asked.
"That is the one."
"That is great."the manager cried."I thought we would never get rid of that monstrosity！That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had！But why your hand is bandaged."
"Oh,"the clerk replied."after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
粉红外套卖出去了
经理吃完午饭回来后，他注意到他的一个员工的手缠着绷带。他还没来得及询问缘由，那个员工就迫不及待地说他有好消息要告诉经理。
“您猜怎么着，经。”员工说，“我最终把那件令人讨厌、奇丑无比、好久都没卖出去的套装给卖出去。”
“你是说那件人见人烦的粉红色带蓝色双排扣的套装。”经理问。
“没错，就是那。”
“太棒。”经理大喊道，“我还以为我们这辈子都卖不出那件衣服呢！那是我们卖过的最丑的衣服了！但是你的手为什么缠着绷带。”
“。”员工答道，“我卖给那个家伙衣服后，他的导盲犬咬了。”
10.Get Off
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said."Get off the corner, people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again,
"Let'.get off that corner—NOW."
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked."Well, how did I do."
"Pretty good,"chuckled the vet."this is a bus stop, merely."
马上离开
一个初出茅庐的警官和一名富有经验的搭档坐在警车里第一次出去巡逻，一个电话打过来让他们去驱散一些闲逛的人。
两个警官将警车开到了那条街上，他们看到有一小群人正站在街角上。
新手摇下车窗说：“拐角的人赶快散。”
人们看了他几眼，但没人动。他又一次大声喊道：“站在拐角的人都散开——马。”
那群人受到恐吓，开始离开，同时向他这边投来不解的目光。
年轻警察为自己的第一次执行任务感到自豪，转头问他的搭档：“哎，我干得怎么。”
“很不。”老警察轻声笑道，“但这里是个公共汽车。”
11.The Number of Passengers
We are going to play a game.
First, you are the bus drirer on a crowded bus, OK？ Don't forget.
I want you to count carefully the number of passengers that get on and off your bus so that you can check the number of tickets sold with the total amount of money collected. Pay attention now.
There are all together six stops on the way. The bus starts out with twenty‐two passengers on board. At the first stop, three passengers get off and five get on. At the second stop, one gets on and nobody gets off. At the next stop, seven get off and two get on. At the fourth stop, no one gets on and no one gets off. At the fifth stop, one gets off and six get on. Then, at the last stop, two men get off and a couple followed by an old lady get on. Now, is everything clear？ Do you need me to repeat？
No？ OK, then. Answer my question: WHAT'.THE NAME OF THE DRIVER？
乘客人数
我们来做一个游戏。
首先，你来当一辆拥挤的公共汽车的司机，好吗？可别忘记。
我要求你仔细地数一数上下车乘客的人数，以便核对一下卖掉的车票和收进的钱的总数是否对得上。请注意了。
公共汽车路线上一共有六个站。汽车出发时，车上有二十二位乘客。到了第一站，下车的乘客有三位，上车的有五位。第二站，上车一位，无人下车。下一站，下车的有七位，上车的是两位。第四站，无人上车或下车。第五站，下去一位，上来六位。然后，到了最后的第六站，下去两位男人，又上来一对男女，后面还跟着一位老太太。好，我都讲清楚了吧？还需要我再讲一遍吗？
不用了？好，那么——请回答我的问题：公共汽车司机的名字叫什么？
12.You'.e Going to Die
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor'.office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said."Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, and it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife."What did the doctor say."
"You'.e going to die."she replied.
你快死啦
一位女士陪丈夫去看病。医生给她的丈夫检查完后，把女士单独叫进他的办公室。医生说：“你丈夫病得很严重，精神还极度紧张。要是你不采取以下措施，你的丈夫一定会死掉。”
“每天清晨，为他做一份对健康有益的早餐；心情愉快地对待他，以此来保证他也有愉快的心情；给他准备营养丰富的午餐；还要特别精心为他准备晚餐；不要让家务事烦他，因为他工作了一天会很辛苦；也别把你的烦心事告诉他，那样只会增加他的精神负担；最重要的是，你要满足他的每个心愿。要是你能连续十个月到一年按照我说的做，我认为你丈夫会完全康复。”
在回家的路上，丈夫问妻子：“医生都说些什么。”
“他说你快死。”妻子回答说。
13.Brother in South America
Mr. William taught English at a school. At the beginning of his lesson, he liked to have one of his students give a report on any subject.
When it was Jack'.turn, he told his audience about his elder brother who was a local worker. But during the report, his eyes were staring at the world map on the wall all the time. Mr. William knew that Jack didn't look at the audience because he was nervous. He said to Jack."We can see you miss your brother very much. But is he OK now in South America."
南美洲的哥哥
威廉先生在一所学校教英语。每次开始上课，他都喜欢叫一个学生上讲台演讲，题材不限。
轮到杰克演讲时，他向听众讲起了他在当地工作的哥哥。但在讲述过程中，杰克的眼睛一直盯着墙上的世界地图。
威廉先生知道杰克是因为紧张才不看听众。他对杰克说：“我们能看出你非常想念你的哥哥，他目前在南美洲还好。”
14.Don't Eat a Person Who Is Working
Five cannibals （Man eaters）get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says."You'.e all part of our team now. You can earn good money, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
Four weeks later the boss returns and says."You'.e all working very hard, and I'.very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her."The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others."Which of you idiots ate the developer."
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says."You FOOL！For four weeks we'.e been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything. And now you ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."
别吃干活的人
五个食人者被一家信息技术公司招为程序员。
在欢迎会上，老总说：“你们现在已经是我们中的一员了，在这儿你们可以赚大钱，你们可以到公司食堂找东西吃，所以不要打其他员工的主意。”
四周之后，老总返回来说道：“你们工作都很卖力，我感到很满意，可是我们的一个程序开发员失踪了，你们有人知道是怎么回事。”食人者们都说没见过那个失踪的程序开发员。
老总离开后，食人者的头儿道：“哪个傻瓜吃了那个程序开发。”
一个食人者犹犹豫豫地举起了手。他们的头儿说：“你这个蠢货，四周来，我们吃了好几个管事的——组长、经理、项目经理，都没有被发现。现在你竟然吃了程序开发员，结果被注意到了。从现在开始，不要吃干活的。”
15.Musical Interlude
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven'.Ninth. In the piece, there'.a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said."Hey! we need to go back."
"No need to panic,"said a fellow bassist."I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor'.score together with string. It'.l take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy, and said as much to her companion."Well, of course,"said her companion."don't you see？ It'.the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
音乐插曲
交响乐团正在演奏贝多芬第九交响曲。其中，有一个章节大约长达二十分钟，低音小提琴不用演奏。一些低音小提琴手不愿傻傻地坐着，决定开溜到隔壁酒馆快速喝上一杯。
接连豪饮几杯啤酒后，一个低音小提琴手看了看表说：“嗨！该回去。”“不用。”另一个低音小提琴手说，“我觉得我们会多待一会儿，所以拿线把指挥的谱子缝起来了。要弄开得花好几分钟功夫呢。
几分钟后，他们几个踉踉跄跄地回到音乐厅，找到位置坐好。大概这时，一位观众发觉指挥看上去有点不安，跟她的同伴说了很多。“嗯，当。”同伴说，“你没有看到吗？第九交响曲快演奏完了，谱子给缝上了，低音小提琴手也都喝醉。”
16.Got any Duck Food？
One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'.lock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.
"Do you have any duck food."the duck asks.
"No we don't have any duck food."
"Okay, thanks anyway."says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o'.lock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food."he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed."No! We don't have anyduck food."
"Fine."the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'.lock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks."Got any duck food."
By now the clerk is getting very annoyed."No."he yells."We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday, we don't have any today and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have any duck food, I'.l nail your little wet feet to the floor!
All the duck does is to turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'.lock the doors swing open and the duck walks in."Got any nails."the duck asks.
"No, we don't have nails."
"Well then,"the duck says."got any duck food."
有鸭食吗？
一天，一家便利店的店员坐在那里无所事事，下午两点门开了，一只鸭子走了进来。
鸭子问：“你们这里有鸭食。”
“没有，我们这里没有鸭。”
“好，谢。”说完，鸭子走出了门。
第二天同一时间，门又打开了，还是那只鸭子又走了进来。
“有鸭食。”鸭子问。
店员有点儿恼火：“没有！我们这里没有鸭。”
“。”鸭子走了出去。
第三天又是这个时候，那只鸭子又推开店门走了进来，问：“有鸭食。”
这下子，那个店员真的被惹恼了，大声吼道：“没有，我们这里从来都没有鸭食！我们昨天没有，今天没有，明天也不会有！如果你再进来要什么鸭食，我就把你的鸭掌钉在地板上！。”
鸭子一声未吭，走出了店门。
第四天下午两点，那只鸭子又推门走了进来，问道：“你们这里有钉子。”
“没有，我们这里没有钉。”
鸭子说：“那你们这里有鸭食。”
17.Duck Hunting
Five doctors went duck hunting one day.Induced in the group were a general practice（GP）physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'.not quite sure it'.a duck."he said."I think that I will have to get a second opinion."And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it.He, too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies.
"I'.l have to do some more investigations, he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp‐eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey'.identity."Now, I know it'.a duck, but does it know it'.a duck."The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon'.weapon pointed skywards. BOOM! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him."Go see if that was a duck, will you."
猎雁
一天，全科医生、儿科医生、精神病医生、外科医生和病理学医生一行五人去打大雁。
过了一会儿，一只大雁飞到了他们的头顶。第一个对此作出反应的是全科医生。他举起猎枪，可又犹豫起来。“我拿不准那是不是一只大。”他说，“我想我必须听听另一位医生的意。”当然，这时大雁早已飞得无影无踪。
之后，又有一只大雁出现在天空中。这次是儿科医生举枪瞄准。然而，他也拿不准所瞄准的是否真的是大雁。此外，那只鸟可能怀着小鸟。“我必须得做进一步调。”他喃喃说道，这时那只鸟已经溜之大吉。
随后是眼尖的精神病医生看到了飞鸟。他用肩扛住猎枪，比其他人更清楚自己瞄准的猎物是什么。“现在，我知道它是一只大雁，可它知不知道自己是一只大雁。”正当他绞尽脑汁进退两难想这一难题时，那只幸运的鸟已经飞走了。
最后，第四只大雁快速飞过。这次是外科医生把猎枪对准了天空。砰！外科医生放下枪口还在冒烟的猎枪，扭过头，面无表情地对身边的病理学医生说：“去看看那是不是一只大雁，好。”
18.Make a Bet
Colonel Stone had always thought he was extremely clever."If I weren't such a brainy guy,"he mused."should I be a colonel？ If I weren't intelligent, would my subordinates obey my orders."
Now everything was changed. Young Lieutenant Faith was to blame. He would come up to him with an innocent look in his eyes and ask."Do you know what the speed of light is, sir."and then,"I disagree, sir, shall we bet on it."Other bets followed and Colonel Stone found himself in a rather awkward situation.Not only did he begin to think of himself as an ignorant old fool, but his financial situation went from bad to worse."If this sort of thing goes on,"he thought."I'.l have an inferiority complex."
He got in touch with Colonel Help, a friend of his, and told him everything.
"Send him to me! I will teach the impudent fellow a lesson."said the Colonel Help.
The next day, as the young man appeared in his study, the colonel smiled and said."Lieutenant Faith, what are you staring at me for."
"Er.well, sir, I'.e just noticed you'.e color‐blind and I'.thinking that.
"What？ I'm color‐blind？ Don't be an ass."
"Yes, this morning you put on a pair of pink pants without realizing it."
"I can bet you 200 dollars my pants are white."said the colonel with a malicious smile.
"I accept the bet."said the lieutenant."though I hate de‐ priving you of your money."
"Depriving me of my money？ Let'.check on that."said the high‐ranking officer and pressed his finger on a button.
The group of officers that entered the room a few seconds later saw an unusual sight: their commanding officer was standing in the middle of the room, waving his trousers, and roaring."What color are my pants."
"White."answered all the officers who could hardly believe their eyes and ears.
"Snow white."echoed Lieutenant Faith.
"You'.e lost 200 dollars, young man, it serves you right."
He snatched the receiver, dialed the right number and told Colonel Stone what had happened.
"I'.e never met such a fool as you are."roared a voice at the other end."Hasn't it occurred to you he had a jolly good reason for losing 200 dollars？ You see, he bet me 1,000 dollars he would make you take off your trousers the moment he saw you. What an ass you are! I should have known."
打赌
斯通上校总认为自己特别聪明。他心里想：“要不是我聪明透顶，怎么能当上校呢？要不是我聪明过人，部下又怎么肯听我的命令。”
现在一切都发生了变化，这要怪年轻的菲斯中尉。他常常带着天真的神情来到上校面前问：“先生，你知道光速是多少。”接着又说：“先生，我不同意。我们打个赌好。”类似这样的赌一个接一个。斯通上校觉得自己处于一种非常尴尬的境地。他不仅开始怀疑自己是老糊涂，而且他的经济状况也每况愈下。“如果这种状况继续下。”他想，“我一定会有自卑。”
他跟他的朋友赫尔帕上校取得了联系，把一切都告诉了他。“把他送到我这里来！我要教训教训这个放肆的家。”赫尔帕上校说。
第二天，年轻人来到他的书房。上校微微一笑说：“菲斯中尉，你盯着我看什。”
“呃……噢，先生，我刚才注意到你是色盲。我在想。”
“什么？我色盲？别傻。”
“是的，今天早上你穿了一条粉红色短裤，你还不知。”
“我可以跟你赌两百美元，我的短裤是白色。”上校不怀好意地笑道。
“我同意打这个。”菲斯中尉说，“尽管我不喜欢让你输。”
“让我输钱？那就等着。”这个高级军官说着，按了一下电钮。几秒钟后，进来了一批军官。他们看到的是一个非同寻常的景象：他们的指挥官站在屋子中央，挥舞着裤子，高声喊道：“我的短裤是什么颜。”
在场的军官简直不相信自己的眼睛和耳朵，齐声答道：
“白。”
“雪白。”菲斯中尉随声附和说。
“你输了两百美元，年轻人，这是你自找。”
上校一把抓起话筒，拨通号码，告诉了斯通上校这里发生的一切。
“我从来没见过你这样的傻。”电话那头吼道。
“你就没想到他有充分理由输掉两百美元？我早就该知道他跟我赌了一千美元，说一见到你就能让你把裤子脱下来。你就是个傻。”
19.The First Class Cabin
A man boards a cross‐country flight and settles himself in the first class cabin for the trip. A flight attendant soon approaches him and says."Sir, I'.sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you'.e seated in first class. I'.afraid you'.l have to move."
The man replies."I'.a wrestler, and I'.going to New York to play professional wrestling."and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the attendant informs the captain."I'.l deal with the problem."The captain says. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the man seated comfortably in first class. Approaching him with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the man'.ear. Almost immediately, the man gathers his things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Slightly amazed, the flight attendant asks the captain."Captain, I'.impressed. What did you say to him."
The captain smiles and says."I just told him that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."
头等舱
有个人登上了一个国内航班。他在头等舱内坐下来，准备在那里度过整个旅途。乘务员马上来到他面前说：“很抱歉，先生，你买的是二等舱，这里是头等舱，恐怕你得挪。”
那人回答道：“我是一名摔跤手，要到纽约参加职业摔跤比。”之后，并没有挪动的意思。
失望之余，乘务员把这件事报告了机长。“我来处理这件。”机长说着把机控手柄交给其他人，走到后面，看到那人怡然自得地坐在头等舱里。机长面带微笑走近那个人，倾过身在那入耳边轻轻说了几句话。那个人马上收拾东西，站起身，立马挪到了二等舱。
乘务员有些惊讶，便问机长：“机长，我真佩服您。您对他说了什。”
机长微微一笑，说：“我只是对他说头等舱不去纽。”
20.The Bad Day
There'.a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble‐making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says."Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'.l buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it'.not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'.late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it. I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there. I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
糟糕的一天
一个小伙子坐在酒吧里，盯着他的酒发呆。他保持那个姿势快半小时了。
突然，一个爱捣乱的卡车司机走到他身旁，从他手中夺过酒，一口气把它喝干了。
那个可怜的人哭了起来。司机说：“得了吧，兄弟，我只是开个玩笑，我给你再买一杯酒。我最受不了看一个大男人。”
“不，不是那样的。今天是我一生中最糟糕的日子。首先，我睡过头了，上班迟到，我的老板一怒之下开除了我。当我离开大楼找我的车子时，发现它已经被人偷走了。警察说他们无能为力。然后我叫了辆出租车回家，下车后才想起我把我的钱包和信用卡忘车上了，可出租车已经开走了。之后，我回到家却发现我的妻子和园丁躺在床上。最后我离开家，来到这家酒吧。正当我考虑结束我的生命的时候，你却出现把我的毒药喝掉。”
21.Two Smart Blind Men
One dark night, two blind men were going home from work."I need to buy some socks."said one of them suddenly."Let'.stop at the shop on the corner."
"OK,"replied the other."I think I'.l buy two or three pairs myself too."
In the shop, the shop‐assistant asked them."What size do you wear, sir, and what color would you like."
"Size eleven. Give me one pair of black socks and two pairs of white, please."answered one of them.
"And you, sir."the shop assistant asked the other customer.
"The same for me. I wear size eleven, too.So same color, same number."said the second blind man.
A moment later they were back in the dark streets, each man with the socks he had borght. But just then, a boy riding a bicycle bumped into them. And what do you think happened？
The blind men dropped all the socks on the ground! All the six pairs—black and white all mixed up. The boy quickly apologized and left. The two blind men picked up all the socks,but could tell which were black and which were white. How could they be sure that each of them got one pair of black socks and two pairs of white？
They tried ask for help. But there was no one else in the streets ask, so what could they do？
One of them soon found a solution. Can you guess what it was？
They separated each pair of socks and both took one sock from each pair. When they got home, each of them had two black socks and four white ones of the same size—just what they wanted. Weren't they smart？
两个聪的盲人
一个漆黑的夜晚，两个盲人正准备下班回家。其中一个人说：“我得买几双短袜，我们在前面拐角的商店停一下。”
“好的，我想我也应该买两三双。”
商店售货员问他们：“先生，请问您穿几号的袜子？您想要什么颜色。”
其中一个人回答说：“十一号的，要一双黑的，两双白。”
“先生，您。”售货员问另一个人。
“我也一样，十一号的，一双黑的，两双白。”另一个盲人说道。
过了一会儿，两个人带着他们的袜子回到了漆黑的街上。突然，一个男孩儿骑着自行车猛地撞向他们。你猜接下来发生了什么？
两个盲人的袜子全掉地上了！六双袜子——黑的白的全混在一起了。那个男孩儿匆忙地道了歉离开了。两个盲人拣起所有的袜子，但没办法分辨哪双是黑的，哪双是白的。他们会怎样确保他们拿到的是一双黑的和两双白的呢？他们想向别人求助，但是街上空无一人，他们到底会怎么办呢？
其中一个人很快想到了办法。你猜得到吗？
他们把每双袜子都拆开了，每个人拿走其中的一只。这样，他们回家之后，每个人都有两只黑袜子和四只白袜子了，正如他们所希望的那样。他们是不是很聪明啊？
22.An Affair
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend."Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early."The boyfriend looked out the window and said."I can't jump out the window！It'.raining like hell out there."
She said."If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us."
So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. when he landed outside he was in the middle of a Marathon, so he started running along beside the others and only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him."Do you always run in the nude."He answered, while gasping for air."Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man."Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm."The nude guy answered breathlessly."Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."The runner then asked."Do you always wear a condom when you run."The nude guy answered,
"Only if it'.raining."
偷情
有个女人趁先生上班时偷偷与情人厮混在床上。
有天两人还在床上，这个女人听到她先生车子回家的声音。她焦急地叫她的情人：“赶快拿着你的衣服，跳窗户。”他的情人一看：“外头下大雨你叫我跳出。”“我先生如果逮到我们两个，我们必死无。”她的情人只好拿起衣服，从窗户跳了出去。结果他纵身一跳竟然跳入一群马拉松选手中。他只好一面提着衣服，一边加入跑步中。
有个选手问他：“你习惯裸奔。”他喘着气地回答说：“是啊，这样一来你可感觉到风轻拂过你的肌。”
另一个选手又问这个裸奔的男子：“你跑步时都会把衣物拿在手上。”他有点透不过气来地回答，“是啊，这样一来，比赛完我就可穿上衣服，开车回。”该选手又问道：“你通常都戴着保险套跑步。”这个裸体男子说：“只有在下雨的时候才。”
23.Where is rice from？
Marshal is a Billionaire,He has two sons. They are stupid. But Matthew think they are smart, and very cherished them.
One day, a man named Cliff said to Marshal."Your sons are so stupid and know nothing about the world. How can they take your property over after your death."
Hearing these words, Marshal became a little bit angry. He said,"Everyone says my sons are very smart and praises them for their good virtue. What you say is sheer nonsense."
"Then let'.test them. Ok."Cliff suggested.
Marshal agreed.
Marshal called his two sons before Cliff, who asked the question,"Do you know where rice comes from."
The elder son smiled and answered."Anyone with sense knows the answer, that rice comes from the kitchen."
The younger son blinked and said,"You'.e wrong! How can you say rice comes from the kitchen! It indeed comes from the bag."
Marshal looked at his sons and turned red with anger.
"You both are so silly! Why don't you ask me when you don't know the right answer？ You are both wrong! Rice comes neither from the kitchen nor from the bag, it comes from the barn."
米从何来
有一个富翁名叫马歇尔，他有两个儿子都很笨。可是马歇尔还是把两个儿子视为掌上明珠。
一天，有一个叫柯利弗的对富翁说：“您这两位少爷整天稀里糊涂，以后怎么接管家业。”
马歇尔听了很不高兴，说：“真是岂有此理，我的儿子多聪明呀，当面谁不夸他们聪明过。”
柯利弗笑道：“那我们来考考他们。”
马歇尔同意了，于是把两个儿子找来。
柯利弗问：“你们说大米从哪儿来。”
老大嬉笑回答说：“这谁不知道！是从厨房来。”
老二眨了眨眼睛说：“不对！怎么是从厨房来的呢？大米是从口袋倒出来。”
马歇尔看看老大，又看看老二，气得涨红了脸，骂道：“两个蠢材，不知道也不问问我，怎么可以在客人面前胡说呢？告诉你们，大米不是从厨房来的，也不是从口袋倒出来的，是从咱们的粮仓来。”
